I seriously, massively despise having depression sometimes. I *recognize* the thoughts that are caused by the depression vs. ones that have a basis in reality. But that doesn't always mean I can counteract those thoughts.
When I saw S2 last week, knowing that he'd taken this coming week entirely off from work because of the holiday and because he had to use some time off before the end of the year or he would lose those days, I said something about us getting together Tuesday. And, as I said, he told me he wasn't sure if he would be able to see me this Tuesday or if he would be with his family.
His exact words were, "Well, sure, if I'm around you're welcome to stop by, but I don't know if I'll be around." And that's gotten to me more than I anticipated.
First, to me, "you're welcome to stop by" is something you say to a casual friend, not to someone you say you're in love with and are having a relationship with. I'm trying to let that go on the basis of semantics; S2 phrases things oddly sometimes.
Second, he and I have standing plans every Tuesday. This has been the case for over a month. Like I said in my last post, I get that family is important, and I don't have a problem so much with him wanting to keep Tuesday open to see his family.
The problem I have is that instead of talking to me about it, he waited for me to ask and then said, "Well, I don't know if I'll be around." Which to me feels like he's minimizing our relationship and making it something he can set aside whenever he chooses. And I have to wonder, if *I* hadn't brought up this Tuesday, would he even have told me if he ended up going to see his family? Or would I have driven the 35 miles to his place, as I do every Tuesday, only to find him not there with no explanation?
I think if he'd said something like, "I know we usually get together Tuesdays. For next week that might change due to the holiday, but I still want to see you at some point during the week, and we'll go back to our normal Tuesdays after the holiday", it might have been easier for me to take.
But when he said "I don't know if I'll be around" and I said, "Okay, I'm just used to us seeing each other on Tuesdays," he got irritated with me and reminded me that family's more important. I agree that family's more important. I agree that he should see his family if he wants to. What I don't agree with is how it was presented to me.
I definitely don't expect him to put his family aside for me. I wouldn't do so for him, either. But I would talk to him about it beforehand. I wouldn't wait for *him* to bring up our next scheduled date and say, "Oh, I don't know if I'm going to be around"; I would say "I know we have a scheduled date but here's what's come up." It's called being considerate.
We've been communicating (via our usual texting, because he doesn't like talking on the phone, and we were both in the chat room last night so were joking/flirting a little), but right now, I don't know when we're going to see each other again or if I want to. Because now that he's done this once, he's going to do it again. I feel like on his list of priorities, our relationship falls somewhere between getting a dental cleaning and having the oil changed in his car.
I keep trying to remind myself that *he* is the one who chose to make this a relationship. *He* is the one who changed his AFF profile status to "attached", without even letting me know he was going to do so. *He* is the one who's happy about seeing me to the point that, although he isn't comfortable giving all the info yet, he's told most of the important people in his life that he has a girlfriend. And he agreed with me that we should have set days when we see each other, and says he looks forward to those days. (Last weekend, when we had to see each other on Friday night instead of Saturday, he told me that knowing I was coming over that night was the only thing that got him out of bed that morning.)
But he's also the one who has never said he loves me. He said, "Likewise" when I told him I love him, and that was it. He's the one who cringes when I use the words "relationship" or "boyfriend", even though he says that he likes thinking of us that way. He's the one who pretty much never initiates contact with me; I'm almost always the one who reaches out. At least he answers, which is an improvement over the early part of our seeing each other, but he rarely if ever reaches out to me.
Part of me feels like we have something good here, and part of me feels like I'm just Transitional Woman while he extricates himself from his marriage, and as soon as that's done he's going to kick me to the curb because he won't need me anymore. And when he does things like treating our time together as less important than the rest of his life, that just reinforces my fear.
And I can't talk to him about this, because I would feel like I was pressuring him, and he probably would too.
The depression is telling me to end the relationship now, while I can get out with my heart still reasonably intact. I won't do that. I know I've felt like this before with him, and it's been for no *external* reason. It's been solely because of depression and fear, and I'm sure that's what it is this time. And I won't end it because less than two weeks ago, I held him while he told me he's afraid of getting hurt, and I promised that I would do everything I could not to hurt him. And I don't break promises.
But I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for *him* to hurt *me*, and I don't like it.
If anyone reading this has ever been in a situation where they felt like they weren't as important to their partner as their partner is to them, how did you handle it?