Checking all the boxes

[vanquish]

I agree with Magdlyn. If she wants it and isn't getting it, it's a problem. If he wants it and isn't capable it's a problem.

Of course she shouldn't make him feel bad about it or throw the baby out with the bathwater and work through it. Both of which she's said she's not going to do.

SC, just because you would approach a situation a certain way, especially when you're obviously in a different headspace on the issue (she wants it, you're averse to it), doesn't mean everyone should do it the same way.

And having a contract about PIV sex isn't pressure necessarily. BDSM contracts are entered into willingly and without coersion. That's what gives them value. If they've had a conversation about it and both agree to sign the contract, there are are all kinds of minutiae that get covered. And being minutiae doesn't make them valueless.

Ultimately, only Vicki can decide if, and for how long, she wants to work on the issue and if the rest of the relationship is more valuable than the PIV issue.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I never said "this is not a problem." I certainly didn't say, or even imply, that just because I'm gray-A, she shouldn't want sex with him. Give me some benefit of the doubt for not being a complete moron, eh?

What I said was that if she wants to stop being bothered by it, then she needs to stop seeing it as a problem. What choice is there? She can't force his penis to get hard, and she's decided she wants to wait it out for a while and see if it gets better. So in the meantime, her choices are "see it as a problem" or "choose not to see it as a problem." The choice is hers, of course. But from experience, life is happier and more satisfying when we solve the problems we can, and get over the ones we can't.

I don't know what she expects a doctor to do. He can get erections, so it's not a problem with the plumbing. He just needs patience, and that's her job, not his doctor's.

If he wanted to bypass the emotional comfort requirement, he could get Viagra and then she would be satisfied. But what about his needs? Apparently he's not comfortable having sex with people until certain relationship criteria are met. Obviously his mind and body have an agreement to sabotage sex until those criteria are met. Bypassing those criteria may satisfy her "I want it, and I want it now" desire, but it could cause long-term problems for their relationship. It might even make it so he doesn't reach that comfort stage and is never able to maintain natural erections with her. Would that not be much worse than just waiting a few weeks until he's truly comfortable?

I couldn't disagree more. Of course it's a problem in and of itself. If the man thinks he'd like to be hard and fuck someone's brains out, and can't, it's a fucking problem.

I never used to believe that you could change the way you think and feel about problems. I thought, if I'm unhappy about a situation, I'm bound to be unhappy until the situation changes. Then I figured out how to just get comfortable with reality and stop wishing things were different. I learned the magic of "just get over it." I decided not to let unsolvable problems be problems. And, just like that, they weren't.