Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

SNeacail said:
Once kids start school, or you watch them with a group of other kids, it isn't hard to tell which ones don't have any siblings (even if they have been in daycare). I think once they are adults, things tend to even out. It really doesn't matter as long as the parents are invested (may mean regular play dates and living in a neighborhood with other young children).
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Exactly. We are raising an only child. None of our sibs have kids. LB is the only one in an aging family of almost 40 year olds. I make sure he spends a lot of time with other kids at school because of this, and bend over backwards to create interesting play dates for him and his friends, so he can have one-on-one time with them. He doesn't like kids coming to the house and prefers his down time over hanging out with other kids, but it's all been done before and I am not worried. He is always smiling, self-motivated and very popular at school. He is confident and makes sure we know what his preference is and what his needs are. I am very proud of how he is being raised, even moreso now that he has an extra grownup buddy that loves him and cares for his well-being.

Mono is on our will as being his guardian if we both die. Mono gets the house and LB gets our money. Mono could have tenants to pay the mortgage and we have really good life insurance. I feel very comfortable with our arrangement and the life we have set up for LB. Sorry... a bit off topic!
 
Does anyone have a child, and is in a poly relationship?

We have a 3-month old and it is our first. We are not sure how we are going to explain everything. I told them I don't want to be called Mommy #2, so he is going to call me Auntie C. (He does not have any aunts.)

I dont know how we are going to answer all the questions he is going to have, like, "Why does Auntie C sleep with Mommy and Daddy?" And I have a bad feeling that he is going to call me Mommy before his mother, because I stay home and watch him while they are at work, so he and I are going to be close.
 
Christina said:
I don't know how we are going to answer all the questions he is going to have, like, "Why does Auntie C sleep with Mommy and Daddy?"
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This question probably won't even come up until the teenage years. Kids couldn't care less where you sleep, as long as they feel safe and can climb into bed with you when they are scared.
 
I wanted to thank you all for the thoughtful discussion here. My primary and I spend a lot of time talking about what, when, and how to talk to our spawn about other people who are part of our lives. Right now, it's important to me that we keep his expectations in check.

He likes to play with my girlfriend, who's here with us several times a week, but her role is definitely that of a family friend. My relationship with her is new(ish), so while I think it's good for our son to interact with her, I also want to be clear with him that, while we love girlfriend (I have got to come up with some nicknames for everyone!), my primary and I are his moms who will always love him and never go away. We try to talk to him about how friends can come into our lives and sometimes go out, and that's ok. We make sure he knows that while some relationships can change or even end, his relationship with us will never stop. I'm somewhat affectionate with girlfriend while my son is around, but it's the kind of affection I could also share with my best friend -- hugs, my head on her shoulder kind of things, but not kissing.

Several people talked way back at the beginning of this thread about not wanting to give their children the challenge of being different. I certainly understand that, but since my son has two moms, we're already different. I don't get fussed about it. I do get fussed about secrecy. I don't want to burden him with my secrets. I think that's part of what's motivating me to be more open about polyamory lately. The secrecy thing isn't an issue right now, but I can imagine it becoming one down the road, if we aren't completely out.
 
I really encourage you read some threads on this. We have talked about names, secrecy, all of it. My boy is seven and he came up with his own name for Mono.

I told him after about a year that I love Mono and that he is family to us. I told him that people come and go. My ex-wife had a girlfriend that cheated on her and left her high and dry. She came to stay with us for a while, and I went and stayed with her so that she could grieve and be supported. We told our boy that his Auntie Wendy was not going to be around anymore, because some people come and go. It doesn't mean we don't love them after they are gone, but they need to move on. Sometimes we do, too.

It's not really that different than any other relationship dynamic. It's a matter of confidence in what you are creating. You know what that's like if you are lesbians. Kids get that and also feel confident. There is also no rush to *make* it work. Being a good host to others is all it takes; welcoming, respectful, considerate... the rest manifests. If others don't give that back, then it's time to move on and not involve them in your life, I think.

I have written a bit on this in my blog and in a thread about being a good host. I can find it, if you want. I wouldn't mind reading it again, actually. But I can't right now; I'm on my phone. Again, I would highly suggest doing some reading here. Lots of really good input. :)
 
Thanks for your response, RP.

In looking back at my post, I realized it was ambiguous at the end. When I wrote that I don't want to burden him with my secrets, I meant that I don't want to tell him something and then ask him to keep it a secret. If there's a time when he needs to know that a particular person is more than a friend, then I want everyone to know. I feel pretty strongly about living openly and being a positive example of our values.
 
My husband illusion010101 and I have our 14-year old daughter living with us. She has been visiting her grandparents for the last several weeks, so we have not had the opportunity to sit down and discuss our recent change in situation. Our daughter has always known that I am bi. We have always been very open and honest about sex, and she has friends that are gay, so I believe she will be understanding. We plan to explain to our daughter that L will be around a lot, and she is not expected to think of her as another mom, but that we want her to take her time and define what L will be to her. Explaining there will be more love for her, not less, another woman to talk to and spend time with. As my husband and I are new to the poly lifestyle, we would appreciate any suggestions or advice you may have to offer us.
 
intriguing89 said:
Our daughter has always known that I am bi. We have always been very open and honest about sex, and she has friends that are gay, so I believe she will be understanding. We plan to explain to our daughter that L will be around a lot. She is not expected to think of her as another mom. We want her to define what L will be to her. Explaining there will be more love for her, not less, another woman to talk to and spend time with.
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I'm curious why you have to qualify that your daughter is not expected to think of this woman she is just meeting as another mom. Why not simply say that she is your g/f, you guys love her and she will be around a lot? Then ask if she has any questions. Don't try and sell her on this person. Just let them get to know each other on their own time.
 
In the past, all my relationships have been mono. My parents are very old fashioned, and when I split with my daughter's mother, N, and began a relationship with my son's mother, D, my parents really pushed the "titles." I think it put a lot of stress on our (mine and my daughter's) relationship with D.

After D and I split up, I did the single parent thing for a year. I was totally discouraged. When I met Intriguing, again my parents pushed the labels, and again it put a damper on the bonding process of my daughter H and Intriguing. We don't want to force a bond between L and H; we want them to get to know each other at their own pace.

I think Intriguing is looking for different ways to broach the subject with H, as am I. I like the gf idea; I think it would work.

The one thing I'm concerned about is that H does have a strong relationship with my folks and I don't want them to push their prejudices on H. I want H to make her own decisions regarding our triad.

I think Intriguing and I are looking for a sounding board, basically. Although one can never plan the future, it doesn't hurt to think about different scenarios and try and plan a response.

Sorry if I rambled, just woke up and haven't had coffee yet. I'm delaying my coffee to see what's new in Polyland.
 
It sounds like a good time for a serious sit -down talk with your daughter.

I think RP and Mono wrote a bunch about this when they were addressing their poly relationship with her parents (because her son is very close to his grandparents). My children are all close to their grandparents, as well. We've always been very up front that even if Mom and Dad don't agree on what is "right or wrong" for each other, we love them and we want them to grow up to make their own choices for themselves, while also promoting that they accept that people have to do that for themselves, and inevitably we aren't going to all agree.

It's good to avoid damaging the child's relationships, but it's also important to teach her what you believe and why, so that she has a chance to consider that it's OK for her to love different people who have different opinions. ;)
 
illusion010101 said:
H does have a strong relationship with my folks and I don't want them to push their prejudices on H.
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I am currently struggling with this. When I hear my kid repeat something that obviously reflects something one of their grandparents said (usually my mother or MIL), I ask him where he heard that, and proceed to try and explain that that is just their opinion. Then I point out how it is not what I believe. It's kind of a fine line, because I really don't think it's constructive for him at 15 to argue with them, so I have asked him not to. However, it does start opening up different areas of conversation that we normally wouldn't discuss. Heaven forbid a teenager talk to his mom about important stuff.
 
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That issue existed from day one for me. My daughter is part Puerto Rican. My extended family are a bunch of prejudiced hicks.

She LOOKS white, if you don't try to hard to look. But it was VERY important to me that they understand, she's NOT. She's a BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, PRECIOUS, American with Puerto Rican blood and she deserves to be proud of HERSELF for WHO SHE IS, not who they wish she was.

My grandmother's husband called her a "Kansas City n-word," and got himself kicked off my property for life. He also called my son a f****t because he had long hair. (Same day, same result.) This resulted in him not being allowed contact with the little ones. My oldest is free to see who she wishes, as she's an adult. The last time I saw her and him in the same house (my mother's house) he mouthed off and touched her. She punched him whilst telling him to keep his "f'ing hands off me."

I was caught wondering what (if anything) I should do or say. As a rule of thumb, we don't allow hitting. She's never, and I do mean NEVER had an issue obeying that rule. But at the same time, he quite literally asked for it with the way he was talking to her, and then putting his hands on her.

I looked at her, she wasn't asking for anything from me. She knew what was or wasn't going to be said/done to her and she had made her choice. I left it alone. Suffice it to say, he figured it out, as well. He stays the hell away from her. And the rest of the family FINALLY got it too. They figured out that none of my household is going to tolerate that bullshit, and that I'm not going to try to uphold "be nice" behavior from my kids if they're being mistreated.

It's a fine line between teaching a child appropriate behavior and not teaching them that it's ok for other people to mistreat them.
 
As the child of parents who engaged in poly and swinger lifestyles, I say, don't hide it from your kids. The daughter of my mom's last boyfriend and I found out in our teens and it was so much harder to deal with. I found out by accident almost (heartless move on my mother's part) and it resulted in a lot of anger, outbursts at school, and for me, a brief period of living with my aunt, about 400 miles away, just to escape.

I am currently trying to figure out how to address this with my own children. My oldest is 10 and she will figure things out very quickly, I know. The idea of "being chosen" or "choosing" someone for family is not going to be a hard sell for her, because she is not my husband's biologically. She instead is very proud that her daddy chose her and is "stuck" with her brother and sisters. My other three kids are 5 and under.

Lobster has a great deal of concern about telling the kids, but he agrees that our oldest is going to figure it out. I have been in those shoes, and you end up feeling lost, like you weren't respected, and a myriad of other feelings that could have been avoided if my parents had been honest with me from the start. My wish is that my children will grow up considering this to be "normal" and see that love is a great thing that doesn't have a set number of hearts.
 
I think people are too preoccupied with getting their children's approval or permission for things. If you just tell them how it is, they'll respect you for your choices as long as you have been a good parent and they are secure in your love for them.

I do not say this "as a parent", as i am not one; but I say this as having been someone's kid.
 
I agree with Neon on this. I hate secrecy. It started when my dad had an affair. I knew something was going on, and no one told me what. If they had said with the least amount of emotion and the most normalcy they could muster that my dad loved someone else and they were trying to figure out how to deal with that emotionally, I would've been fine. But no, they hid it, and it made me uneasy and scared, needlessly.
 
NeonKaos said:
I think people are too preoccupied with getting their children's approval or permission for things. If you just tell them how it is, they'll respect you for your choices, as long as you have been a good parent and they are secure in your love for them.
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I'm inclined to agree. I'm pretty new to all this, but this is how I've approached it with my child, who is 10.

He is introduced to anyone I'm seeing, that I may wish to continue seeing. I've told him that I believe it's entirely possible, acceptable, and not at all uncommon to have strong feelings for more than one person. His reply was that he thought you could love only one person.

I've replied that given there are so many different people in the world, it completely makes sense that he could hold that view and others would hold different views, and that the main thing in life is to remain respectful and supportive of different views and opinions.

He goes to a religious school, but we're both committed atheists, so we often have conversations about being respectful of other's views that may not match your own. I don't need his approval at all... but I do need to be honest with him.

Within the boundaries of what is an ok conversation to have with a child, I pretty much believe if I hide something from him it's not validating my views or my behaviour. I'm proud of the decisions I make, and the lifestyle I choose. If I'm not open with him about it, that's suggesting on a subconscious level that something is not ok with what I'm doing.

I've also said to him, "If you ever want to have a conversation about this, that's ok. It's important to me that you feel ok with what's going on in our lives, so feel free to bring up anything, at any time."

"It's ok... I'm fine."

I should also stress that I'm only at the tip of the iceberg, and my life is pretty uncomplex in terms of relationship dynamics, so there's not too much to explain to him, at this point.

I felt it was important to lay some fundamentals down for what might happen in the future, though.
 
Well, we did it. We had the talk. In hindsight, my daughter is too smart for her own good. We began by talking about Intriguing's bisexuality and how H felt about that. Then we had to explain what monogamy was. By the time we got to the polyamory term, she asked if L was our girlfriend. We said yes. Her response was, "OK, can you guys keep it down at night?" (Both my ladies are a little loud; "screamers," you might say.)

Anyway, H asked if she could get to know L on a one-to-one basis. So they're going to shoot pool on Tuesday. She seems to be accepting of the situation. Sometimes I have to ask myself how I managed to get such a great kid. Seems like Intriguing and I were worried for nothing. We'll keep posting if anything changes.

One last thought. This site has been such a great help and source of inspiration. I just want to say thanks to all.
 
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