Choosing Polyamory Before Identifying a Second Lover

[Cherub]

I’m wondering if many poly folk realized that they were “wired for poly,” or chose to become polyamorous before realizing that they were truly in love with two people at the same time, neither of which they were willing to lose?

About two months ago, my wife alerted me that she has felt strongly drawn to polyamory for about the last five years, but had not sought a potential lover/bf, and was doubtful that I would seriously consider permitting her to seek. She told me that she is “wired for poly” and confident that she can love a new partner without loving me less.

After I spent a fair amount of time reading the posts in this forum, it seems to me that her approach is unusual, in that most of the situations I read of here are people who identified as polyamorous only after they realized that they were in love with two people at once, and wanted to maintain them both as lovers. My wife has been drawn to the situation of a friend of hers, who for 10+ years has had two husbands, and finds that each fills unique needs she has. My wife explained that this is what she wants, even needs, if I can accept it, but would reluctantly give it up if pursuing it meant ending our marriage.

So far, I’ve given her the okay to look and learn, but on a trial basis, as I don’t truly know if this is more than I can accept in reality than in theory. I am willing to try on that basis.

She accepted my terms, and has been looking on OKC, with her search going slowly up until this week. She started chatting with a man who very much intrigues her, who says he’s open to her poly intentions. He cautioned her that he is not sure he’s really looking for a committed long-term romantic relationship. Not surprisingly, he is open to meeting her at least for friendship, and if things progress well for both, for meeting their physical desires. She was interested enough to agree to meet him at a coffee shop this weekend. She may eventually allow things to go further, but assured me, not on this first date. She appreciated that he was upfront about what his intentions were, but a little disappointed. If things don’t develop towards a romance, she will continue her search.

My original hope was that it would take a few months longer for her to find a suitable serious person who understood what she’s really seeking. A lady on this forum warned me that many guys on OKC view poly women as open to quick NSA sex. So far, I cannot tell if he is one of these who talks a good game, or really is open to being polyamorous, but knows that his career situation is unlikely to keep him in our area for the long term.

Trying to understand.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I didn't. I'd never encountered the term. I did know early on I loved more than one, and before I married Maca, I was in open relationships for years.
But I didn't realize there was a word for it. When I learned, I was already well on my way to destroying my marriage with Maca. Thankfully, Maca, my bf GG, and I were all willing to educate ourselves and work together to find a functional family solution.

I do have friends who came to polyamory single or mono, and moved into poly dynamics after establishing an agreement with their current partners. So it does happen. But all too often, people don't go searching for information until they are in crisis and need it.

You are fortunate that your wife found information and chose to address that with you before getting herself into a messy sticky disaster. That speaks highly of her ethics and personal responsibility.

 

[central]

I knew in my teens that polyamory was very appealing to me. That was over 40 years ago. I was inspired by the novels of Robert Heinlein. I also knew that it would be very difficult to find someone who shared similar views, so by default I lived a mono/married life for many years.

When I divorced, the internet existed, and far more information. I met someone who shared my views, and not only did we become a couple very quickly, we had met other people while dating who were also comfortable with a poly relationship model. So, we had a primary-secondary style N-shaped configuration that lasted a couple of years, until our secondaries met others who lured them into primary, monogamous relationships. We were mono for several years thereafter before finding other people. But that's going into another topic.

I think some people know they are either wired for polyamory, or philosophically poly. That may not necessarily translate into real life, however, unless the usual issues and negative emotions (such as jealousy) can be dealt with successfully.

 

[InsaneMystic]

I’m wondering if many poly folk realized that they were “wired for poly,” or chose to become polyamorous BEFORE realizing that they were truly in love with two people at the same time, neither of which they were willing to lose.

*raises hand* I started subscribing to a philosophical view that I would later learn already existed and was called "polyamory" in my late teens, thinking about the question "What is love?" (And no, the answer isn't "Baby, don't hurt me." ) My first actual relationship, however, didn't happen until I was thirty-two.

I'd never agree to enter a relationship unless it were open right from the start, and I'd definitely identify as poly regardless of the number of people I'm with - zero, one (<< my current sitch for the last five years, and not terribly likely to change soon, mostly because there are very few folks I'm actually compatible with), or more than one. For me, poly is more about rejection of monogamy/exclusivity as a model that does not fit my needs and values, than about any particular lifestyle in actual practice.

 

[IndieSolo]

I don't believe in this "wiring" idea, but polyamory is certainly not only about a couple branching out, or one person falling in love with two people and discovering poly as a result.

There are lots of people who consider themselves polyamorists, although they might not even be in any relationships at all, and there are plenty, like me, who are solo poly, and happy to remain that way. Most solos have multiple relationships, but don't need entangled live-in partnerships.

There are a myriad number of ways to live polyamorously. This site has many types of stories, but you will only see what is written by the most prolific posters. Tons more people lurk here, and there are even more poly people who never get online at a site like this to share what kinds of lives they lead. All of them have their own unique stories.

My point is, don't start thinking that there is a "usual" in poly.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Like central, I was heavily influenced by the writings of Robert Heinlein (this was before the term "polyamory" was used to describe the type of open and group marriages seen in his novels).

Like InsaneMystic, I really thought hard on the the question of "What is love?" It is still not a concept that I am entirely certain of.

I had intended to live solo, as NYCindie does. My initial conception of how my life would look was very close to what she describes.

Then MrS happened, my conceptions of love shifted, and I wanted the inter-dependent type of marriage that we have developed. But we have never been, strictly speaking, monogamous.

So, the "poly" definitely came before the "love" for me.

JaneQ

 

[Emm]

Another solo poly here.

I'm not sure how the knowledge that you can love another is able to sneak up on people out of the blue the way you seem to feel is "normal". I'm sure it does—as you said, a little reading here supports that—but it's always struck me as the product of someone having swept all the previous signs under the carpet and then being astonished when the lump gets too big. Your wife is paying attention to the first few crumbs and dust motes rather than imagining them away only to be confronted by them again when she does actually meet someone compatible and can no longer ignore them.

he’s open to her poly intentions, but cautioned her that he is not sure that he’s really looking for a committed long-term romantic relationship, but NOT surprisingly is open to meeting her at least for friendship and if things progress well for both, for meeting their physical desires.

If that's a direct quote my interpretation is that he's looking for NSA sex, or at most a FB arrangement.

 

[Piroska]

I remember being confused as to why both of the adorable 1st grade boys who had kissed me on the cheek were fighting over me, and couldn't both be my boyfriends.

I read a lot, including a lot of sci fi and fantasy, so I was reading Heinlein, McCaffery, and others with non-monogamy at a young age.

When I figured out I was bisexual, I decided I wanted both a wife and a husband. Since I had also figured out I was something of a submissive switch (BDSM) I decided I wanted a triad with a male Dom and a female sub. (Therefore I drew a lot of inspiration from religious polygamy, since that's the closest model I could find.)

When I had my first "serious" relationship with a male I encouraged him to date another girl he found interesting, even though she wasn't interested in me too.

The entire time of my marriage I've encouraged my husband to play with other women if he was interested. For many years I was still in love with my ex, but I was forced to chose.

I didn't actually start researching the term polyamory (and therefore figuring out there are a lot more configurations than I had previously understood, particularly the idea that I might actually be able to have more than one loving man in my life) until a few years ago. Since then I've deliberately pushed towards a full-fledged polyamory model.

Currently, I'm working through the kinks (no pun intended) in my first actual relationship with a man that is concurrent with my relationship with another man.

I've always known I had the capacity to love more than one at a time. It doesn't make sense to me, otherwise. I could easily see myself as eventually being the happy slut who loves and plays with many, if it weren't for my habit of attracting Dom types who forbid it.

So, yup, without knowing the terms, I was poly before I "had" to be.

 

[BigGuy]

I've identified as poly since the late '70s, before I found the term on usenet in the early '90s. I've yet to personally be involved in more than one relationship simultaneously.

 

[WhatHappened]

So far, I’ve given her the okay to look and learn, but on a trial basis, as I don’t truly know if this is more than I can accept in reality than in theory, but am willing to let try on that basis. She accepted my terms and has been looking on OKC, with her search going slowly up until this week. She started chatting with a man who very much intrigues her ....

A lady on this forum, warned me that many guys on OKC view poly women profiles as seeking quick NSA sex. So far I cannot tell if he is one of these who talks a good game, or really is open to being poly...

If she's going to use men on a trial basis to try out poly for the two of you, then you can't be too surprised if they treat her as a trial run, too, to see how they like it.

 

[Indygirl78]

I guess I had leanings towards being poly since middle school. I never saw a problem with dating multiple boys at the same time. I encouraged one of my high school boyfriends (now husband) to see some of my friends. After marriage, we were monogamous for a few years and then moved to more of a "swinging" type of relationship with two couples. We and have had a few "threesomes." We have been moving toward a poly relationship with one of those couples, but it's definitely more complicated once emotions are involved. So, I'm not sure if you would say I am "hard wired" or that I chose this.

 

[Nadya]

*raises hand* I started subscribing to a philosophical view that I would later learn to already exist and be called "polyamory" in my late teens, thinking about the question "What is love?" (And no, the answer isn't, "Baby, don't hurt me." ) My first actual relationship, however, didn't happen until I was thirty-two.

I'd never agree to enter a relationship unless it's open right from the start, and I'd definitely identify as poly regardless of the number of people I'm with - zero, one (<< my current sitch for the last five years, and not terribly likely to change soon, mostly because there are very few folks I'm actually compatible with), or more than one. For me, poly is more about rejection of monogamy/exclusivity as a model that does not fit my needs and values, than about any particular lifestyle in actual practice.

Here is a subscriber of a similar philosophy. I chose to be poly (and knew the word for it) before ever having any relationships at all. My choice happened after I got kicked out of the fundamentalist cult I was raised in, and needed to check all my values again, based on what I want vs. what the cult told you must do.

So I have experience of being single, having one partner and having two partners-- always poly.

 

[Cherub]

First, I wish to thank each of your thought-provoking responses. I now see that I've made assumptions about polyamory generally from reading active posters on the forum that are not reflective of poly overall, and will try to keep this in mind, going forward. My assumption was that my wife was very unusual, even among poly people, for feeling drawn to polyamory without being actually having a actual potential new lover in view.

It also helped to learn that the concept of polyamory occurred with some from a very early age, or from reading fiction which depicts a workable model. I may have to read some Heinlein, but wonder which would best express his concept?

We went out for our second very small poly meet (a total of five people) last night in a quiet coffee shop. The other M+F couple attending also offered a helpful perspective in coming out of a broken FMF triad, that broke up badly, but so valued the triad dynamic that they are actively looking to restore that model with another. As someone considering this on a trial-run basis, it was revealing that even with the pain of the breakup of the triad, being a solid couple, still left both yearning for a return to a working triad. My concern is that once my wife should have really happy times in a V, that should we go back to being just a couple, she'll be yearning not for an idea of what it would be like, but recalling what it was like, and that this may be less bearable.

The facilitator was very encouraging to my wife having her first date scheduled for tomorrow (Sunday) night in a coffee shop, and helped me some with my concerns. I confessed that for her sake I won't have a rooting interest, but was feeling a little guilty for at times thinking if she discovered that first date guy wasn't a good match, it wouldn't be so bad from my POV, but don't want her to be unhappy either.

One aspect in all of this that I am very thankful for is that she did tell about what she wants and why, and has been willing to take things slowly and educate us. Had she acted deceptively to explore her yearning and shattered our trust, or made her intentions an ultimatum, than this would be either very much more difficult or unacceptable. Her actions show me the sincerity of her love for me and assures me of the importance of our relationship. I'll keep this in mind while she's out on her date and will anxiously await her return.

 

[Cherub]

If she's going to use men on a trial basis to try out poly for the two of you, then you can't be too surprised if they treat her as a trial run, too, to see how they like it.

WH, I suspect that you're right and that this may be an NSA request. I may need to start a new thread somewhere to discuss the specific aspects of her first date and how she's approaching poly generally.

We spoke about what her intentions are for her date, given what limits he put forward, on our way home from the meeting last night. It looks like she's attempting to thread an emotional needle to me, and is keeping my trial limitation in view on this.

First she wants to see how meeting this new guy goes, but wants to keep any discussion of sex for few dates later if things go well, as she really wants to get to know him first. She realized during their call that it was both exciting but weird to be getting into a sexual conversation with someone other than me, that was not a flirtatious tease.

She knows if she develops serious feelings for him, that she should tell him so, which would likely end the relationship. At the other end, if he is, as she fears, hugely fixated on the sex, to the exclusion of non-sexual dates, then she says that she will stop seeing him, as she's not wanting to see him purely as mutual sex objects. Unless they both develop feelings for each other, she intends to continue her search, but may wish to keep seeing him as long as it is working for both of them in this limited basis. I cannot get my mind around insisting on having a few non-sexual, but understood at the outset not fully romantic dates, before and interspersed with sexual ones.

Another question of mine is that she regards this as giving poly a trial run. While this is a start into non-monogamy, I wasn't sure that this is truly polyamory, if the love spoken of is the emotional romantic bonds and not the physical act, no?

 

[Tonberry]

I asked my husband at the time to open our marriage and be poly back when I had absolutely nobody in mind. It was actually important to me to do it when there was nobody else in the picture, so that he didn't think it was just because of "that guy." Plus I doubted he would be fine with it if I liked a specific person while we were supposed to be monogamous.

There were a few people I was friends with that I started considering once we did open the relationship, but because my husband (now my ex) wasn't comfortable with it at that point, I never bothered even wondering if it would work, let alone pursuing it, and figured I would give him more time.

After a couple of years, he was the one who told me about someone he met and liked. That's when I knew it was okay to start looking at people as potential partners, and listening to my feelings about them.

In the end, he wasn't poly and it didn't work out. If I ended up back in time with the knowledge I have now, I would just have broken up right there and then, instead of having that talk. But considering that I didn't know if he was poly or not, and whether it would work for us or not, I'm glad I did it the way I did. I think if I had had someone in mind when I came out as poly, it would have been harder for him.

 

[JadeDoor]

I identified with poly before having another love interest. I was actually single when I first learned a name for what I felt for so long. I wasn't able to pursue it until this past summer but it's something I've always felt comfortable with, loving more than one person.

 

[Misticbleu]

Just knowing

I have never posted on a forum before but thought I would join and jump in.

My husband and I have been discussing polyamory and creating a triad without having that third person yet. We have never really had a mono relationship, but never fully open either. We have been in the swinging lifestyle for years, but are not active much anymore.

We are searching for that third person (a woman) and trying to read and learn as much as possible before/or if we meet her. I have always felt I could live this lifestyle with having a third person in my relationship.

 

[crackedpleasures]

I've felt "wired for poly" since before I knew what relationships were. I definitely think it's a thing that can happen and seems to happen often.