Closed triad

[GalaGirl]

Yes, I know we're odd!

I don't think it's odd.

Polyshipping is very DIY. Each one could figure out HOW they want to be together with each other. Then hold themselves and each other accountable to that agreement/standard/code of conduct/whatever you want to call it.

I think it is very commendable you have yours well articulated, all the people in that polyship know what it all means in their context, and are happy with it/happy to work within it.

Kudos!

Galagirl

 

[Amanita]

Kudos from me too! We are about to embark on something similar, so I am watching this thread with much interest

Amanita

 

[peabean]

Having a kid is scary! Well, its really the leap into the unknown that is terrifying, but that goes for anyone having a kid for the first time. We would really like to have more children, but both my gf and I have fertility issues.

At this point my gf is doing fertility treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). We made a decision to be open with the RE during this process because we wanted either of us to be able to accompany her to appointments. She has a history of abuse, so the endless internal exams are very emotionally trying for her. If possible we both go, but at least 1 of us always goes with her for support.

At our first appointment we explained our relationship. She was skeptical and surprised. We explained the treatments we'd done to that date (since we had seen an RE previously, in a different state before we moved). She really couldn't understand why I wasn't the one seeking treatment, considering the man in the relationship is legally married to me and I have a child already. The whole thing went worse than planned. She referred to women as 'girls'. She repeatedly told were 'high risk for STDs', and how she would need to test us monthly if she was going to work with us. Despite us explaining that we had no outside partners.

Finally, she decided that she would need us to do a psychological evaluation before treating us. We went through with that, which was very grating. At the end the psychologist confessed to having never worked with 'consensual polyamorists' before. Apparently she'd only known women who were coerced into open marriages by their spouses? We were exceedingly polite, and brought lots of info for her to learn about counseling poly people (kill them with kindness!). She was taken aback, and clearly flummoxed by us. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!

As it stands now, we are doing low level treatments and looking for a new RE. I don't have much hope, since there aren't many in our area. Anyway, I hate to complain since we've generally had little negative reaction outside of immediate family, but on the other hand I expect more from medical professionals.

 

[AJoy]

I think it is very commendable you have yours well articulated, all the people in that polyship know what it all means in their context, and are happy with it/happy to work within it.

Galagirl

One of the most important phrases for someone who teaches 9-12 year olds: be explicit. I guess we brought that idea home.

 

[AJoy]

Having a kid is scary! Well, its really the leap into the unknown that is terrifying, but that goes for anyone having a kid for the first time. We would really like to have more children, but both my gf and I have fertility issues.

At this point my gf is doing fertility treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). We made a decision to be open with the RE during this process because we wanted either of us to be able to accompany her to appointments. She has a history of abuse, so the endless internal exams are very emotionally trying for her. If possible we both go, but at least 1 of us always goes with her for support.

At our first appointment we explained our relationship. She was skeptical and surprised. We explained the treatments we'd done to that date (since we had seen an RE previously, in a different state before we moved). She really couldn't understand why I wasn't the one seeking treatment, considering the man in the relationship is legally married to me and I have a child already. The whole thing went worse than planned. She referred to women as 'girls'. She repeatedly told were 'high risk for STDs', and how she would need to test us monthly if she was going to work with us. Despite us explaining that we had no outside partners.

Finally, she decided that she would need us to do a psychological evaluation before treating us. We went through with that, which was very grating. At the end the psychologist confessed to having never worked with 'consensual polyamorists' before. Apparently she'd only known women who were coerced into open marriages by their spouses? We were exceedingly polite, and brought lots of info for her to learn about counseling poly people (kill them with kindness!). She was taken aback, and clearly flummoxed by us. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!

As it stands now, we are doing low level treatments and looking for a new RE. I don't have much hope, since there aren't many in our area. Anyway, I hate to complain since we've generally had little negative reaction outside of immediate family, but on the other hand I expect more from medical professionals.

Oh my. I guess I should have expected as much. I definitely know having a kid is a scary prospect, but it sucks that medical professionals can make it harder. It really pisses me off to read about the STD testing requirement when you told her you weren't with anyone else. Thanks for the heads up on what to possibly expect!

Because of my bipolar, both my therapist and psychiatrist know about us... And I think mental health professionals have to be very careful about passing judgement. Both Lamb and Pickle have been to many of those appts., as my issues have affected both of them. I guess if my OB demands psych testing, I've got that covered. though, then you go into the whole debate where some doctors are prepared to follow pregnancies with bipolar women and some aren't. Boy, I'm going to be a real case for them when we first go in!

 

[MsJulles]

Having a kid is scary! Well, its really the leap into the unknown that is terrifying, but that goes for anyone having a kid for the first time. We would really like to have more children, but both my gf and I have fertility issues.

At this point my gf is doing fertility treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). We made a decision to be open with the RE during this process because we wanted either of us to be able to accompany her to appointments. She has a history of abuse, so the endless internal exams are very emotionally trying for her. If possible we both go, but at least 1 of us always goes with her for support.

At our first appointment we explained our relationship. She was skeptical and surprised. We explained the treatments we'd done to that date (since we had seen an RE previously, in a different state before we moved). She really couldn't understand why I wasn't the one seeking treatment, considering the man in the relationship is legally married to me and I have a child already. The whole thing went worse than planned. She referred to women as 'girls'. She repeatedly told were 'high risk for STDs', and how she would need to test us monthly if she was going to work with us. Despite us explaining that we had no outside partners.

Finally, she decided that she would need us to do a psychological evaluation before treating us. We went through with that, which was very grating. At the end the psychologist confessed to having never worked with 'consensual polyamorists' before. Apparently she'd only known women who were coerced into open marriages by their spouses? We were exceedingly polite, and brought lots of info for her to learn about counseling poly people (kill them with kindness!). She was taken aback, and clearly flummoxed by us. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!

As it stands now, we are doing low level treatments and looking for a new RE. I don't have much hope, since there aren't many in our area. Anyway, I hate to complain since we've generally had little negative reaction outside of immediate family, but on the other hand I expect more from medical professionals.

I feel for you peabean! It is sad that even professional people show disdain and are suspicious of poly relationships. I know we are going to have issues with people looking at us with suspicion when my wife and I both start having kids by our husband. People assume that men who openly love and live with two women are just greedy dogs, that two women who love the same man are settling for less and have no self-esteem, and that any kids we have from these relationships will suffer abuse! I'm a medical professional myself and she ought to know three people who are STD free and have sex between themselves are no more likely to get and STD than a monogamous couple!

I don't know if in our lifetime things will change, but it will take folks in these lifestyles like us to gradually impress upon society that love doesn't know color, race, sex, or number! We are blessed to have a supportive family with our triad. Our folks are only too happy that my wife and I will know who are kids' dad will be than just having kids by an unknown sperm donor. But if we did that and lived life as a same-sex couple as we had planned before, nobody would have a problem with that! Go figure lol

 

[Eclipse]

People assume that men who openly love and live with two women are just greedy dogs, that two women who love the same man are settling for less and have no self-esteem, and that any kids we have from these relationships will suffer abuse!

Oh god... nothing makes me more annoyed than this crap. Freckles has anxiety issues. One thing that she can't do is go to the doctor's by herself... especially if it involves something as (in her mind) invasive as a pelvic exam. A few months back she needed to have an annual checkup in conjunction with getting her birth control pills. She didn't want to go by herself and Curls worked every day that week, so I went with her.

The doctor was almost comically snotty the whole time. At first she didn't want me in their with her, and wasn't going to allow it until Freckles told her that I stay in the room, or the exam doesn't happen. She relented and allowed it, but had this nasty habit of starting at my wedding ring the entire time we were in there. She asked about sexual partners and Freckles, god love her, just grinned and said "Just two! Him and his wife!" She got confused at this and started asking questions. All at once, her entire demeanor changed. For as bitchy as she started, she was grasping that this was a real relationship... whereas before I think she was just seeing me as some sleazy ass taking his younger mistress to get her birth control pills.

 

[phantazmagoria]

Random question for you all ....

do you guys participate in threesome sex as well as one on one sex?

If so .... assuming your threesome sex sometimes might involve the penis entering one vagina, exiting, and then entering the other vagina .... do you guys ever experience yeast infections from mixing the vag chemistries together like that?

We do. We think my natural yeast doesn't live well in her vagina canal and vice versa.

If you ever do experience this, what measures do you take to not get infections?

Thanks!!

 

[AJoy]

Random question for you all ....

do you guys participate in threesome sex as well as one on one sex?

we do. We have sex as pairs more often though simply because of life - schedules, whose in the mood, etc. we probably have threesome sex 1/6 times or something around there.

If so .... assuming your threesome sex sometimes might involve the penis entering one vagina, exiting, and then entering the other vagina .... do you guys ever experience yeast infections from mixing the vag chemistries together like that?

we haven't had problems with yeast. I don't know enough about body chemistry to know why it isn't an issue. We clean up well and everything. probably the biggest factor though, is that even with threesome sex, often only one of us has vaginal sex with pickle, and it's usually lamb. My need and desire to have sex like that is much less frequent. I usually prefer playing a more 'male' role whether it's all three of us having sex or just she and I (it's weird because in all other aspects if our relationship and life, I'm pretty girly). Anyway, for us, the lack of yeast issues could simply be from the lack of frequency in that particular match up during sex. We probably all have sex in the way you mean only about 1/4 of the times we have threesomes.

I'm not sure that answer was much help.

 

[peabean]

We have threesome sex all the time this way. We've only had a yeast problem one time. It seemed that one of us would get over it and then the other one would get it and so on. It went on for over a month.

How we solved it was to have all three of us (my husband included) take the yeast medication Diflucan at one time. We abstained during the medication treatment. This was the only way we solved the yeast issue. If each woman can't get rid of the infection, this is worth trying. You may be able to get your doctor to give you two doses, so he can take one, otherwise he will have to see his own doctor.

 

[pulliman]

I'm rarely reading on the boards, for many reasons, but wanted to say how much I have loved this thread. We got really damn close to this, in our trio, but never quite got there, for reasons too complicated to go into here. It sounds lovely that it's worked for all of you.... Very happy for you all, in your successful triads!

 

[phantazmagoria]

Do you all ever experience jealousy, or feelings of being left out, or competition, or comparisons?

I guess that's a silly question, because I'm sure you do. I find that being in a closed triad however, that these issues are lessened than open types of poly. Still there, but muted.

Do you all agree? How do you deal with them if you have them?

 

[MsJulles]

Random question for you all ....

do you guys participate in threesome sex as well as one on one sex?

If so .... assuming your threesome sex sometimes might involve the penis entering one vagina, exiting, and then entering the other vagina .... do you guys ever experience yeast infections from mixing the vag chemistries together like that?

We do. We think my natural yeast doesn't live well in her vagina canal and vice versa.

If you ever do experience this, what measures do you take to not get infections?

Thanks!!

We do threesome sex all the time like this. We enjoy it a lot when he enters me than my wife and vice versa. We haven't had issues with yeast infections, knock on wood. One-on-one sex between any two of us happens as well just to mix it up but the threesome sex does an incredible job of creating a strong emotional and sexual bond between us!

 

[AJoy]

Do you all ever experience jealousy, or feelings of being left out, or competition, or comparisons?

I guess that's a silly question, because I'm sure you do. I find that being in a closed triad however, that these issues are lessened than open types of poly. Still there, but muted.

Do you all agree? How do you deal with them if you have them?

With us, jealousy doesn't really crop up. I can't remember a time since the initial establishment of our relationship where I have experienced jealousy, either Lamb or Pickle has expressed jealousy, or had a negative interaction/argument regarding anything to do with our relationship dynamics.

We spend a lot of time all together and everyone gets couple time too. It all sort of just fits into our daily rouine (we even car pool to work!). Sometimes one of us will express feeling left out (usually jokingly indignant), and we correct our plans to make sure no one is left out. Luckily we all have our own personal interests and endeavors to keep us from driving each other crazy with over clingyness.

I think we have such a lack of jealousy and feeling of equality because everyone is allowed to and encouraged to share whatever they are feeling. We had jealousy issues early on, but then we adopted meetings as a way to tackle those issues. In our meetings everyone gets a turn to share whatever. The meeting has rules to keep everyone feeling safe to share. Nowadays we just deal with issues in regular conversation, but every once in a while, when we have an issue where emotion is high (most recently it has been the real conversation about starting a family in the very near future), we go back to have a meeting. All the meeting does is give the conversation structure and safe perameters.

I do agree that it is easier to keep jealousy at bay with a closed triad as opposed to a more open relationship, but that is just my guess based on how I think I would personally struggle with jealousy in any other form of poly.

I will say that I think there are things that make me feel like we have a more open relationship with better communication than a standard married couple might have. Having three has forced us to be excellent communicators with each other. Some mono couples have great communication and relationships, but based on my own and Lamb's experiences in that sort of relationship, we have learned that it can become very easy to sweep feelings under the rug and carry on. With our triad, EVERTHING is discussed.

 

[AJoy]

I'm rarely reading on the boards, for many reasons, but wanted to say how much I have loved this thread. We got really damn close to this, in our trio, but never quite got there, for reasons too complicated to go into here. It sounds lovely that it's worked for all of you.... Very happy for you all, in your successful triads!

It's been very exciting of me to be able to connect with so many people in such similar relationships. I spent a lot of time on the forum browsing, but making minimal posts. It has been so fun that this thread has given me a place to post about something so specific to my situation. There is a lot of great general advice I can pull from this forum, but it doesn't often fit quite right just because there a so many variations of poly that are pretty different than a closed triad.

 

[Amanita]

I'm reading this thread with much enjoyment and interest - it's great to hear the stories of people who are living with this structure and for whom it's working so well! As I mentioned earlier, we are about to embark on something similar, and I was wondering, what sort of preparation did all of you do beforehand?

Our situation is as follows: Astraeus and I have been together for 12 years and have a young son, and Daedalea has been part of our lives for a year now (in a relationship with Astraeus for seven months, and we've been in a form of triad for about two and a half months). At the moment, we live apart, but Daedalea comes to spend a couple of nights a week with us, and Astraeus goes to her for a night a week. I sometimes go and stay with her for a night too but it's not as regular. Astraeus and I are going to move closer to Daedalea, and the tentative plan is that we will settle in first and then Daedalea will move in with us (although there has been no time frame set, we're approaching it in a sort of 'wait and see' way). We are all feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation about the move.

So ... how does one prepare for something like this? Obviously there are lots of things to discuss, from the mundane logistics to the emotional impact of sharing a home and adjusting to a new relationship structure. Any tips, stories or anything else would be hugely appreciated!

Thanks in advance,
Amanita

 

[MsJulles]

I'm reading this thread with much enjoyment and interest - it's great to hear the stories of people who are living with this structure and for whom it's working so well! As I mentioned earlier, we are about to embark on something similar, and I was wondering, what sort of preparation did all of you do beforehand?

Our situation is as follows: Astraeus and I have been together for 12 years and have a young son, and Daedalea has been part of our lives for a year now (in a relationship with Astraeus for seven months, and we've been in a form of triad for about two and a half months). At the moment, we live apart, but Daedalea comes to spend a couple of nights a week with us, and Astraeus goes to her for a night a week. I sometimes go and stay with her for a night too but it's not as regular. Astraeus and I are going to move closer to Daedalea, and the tentative plan is that we will settle in first and then Daedalea will move in with us (although there has been no time frame set, we're approaching it in a sort of 'wait and see' way). We are all feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation about the move.

So ... how does one prepare for something like this? Obviously there are lots of things to discuss, from the mundane logistics to the emotional impact of sharing a home and adjusting to a new relationship structure. Any tips, stories or anything else would be hugely appreciated!

Thanks in advance,
Amanita

Well, Amanita you sound like you know what the main issues are. So many things go into making a happy home with a loving triad. First of course is for people to find the right house to live in and be able to get to work and back with a reasonable commute. You have to decide how to go about dealing with finances and responsibilities for each person. Sleeping arrangements should be discussed. Have a group meeting with all three of you and discuss everything. That is what worked for us. We try to adjust and avoid doing anything that makes one partner very unhappy. There is no specific "manual" in my opinion that works for any one triad, so just be honest with each other and move forward!

 

[AJoy]

I'm reading this thread with much enjoyment and interest - it's great to hear the stories of people who are living with this structure and for whom it's working so well! As I mentioned earlier, we are about to embark on something similar, and I was wondering, what sort of preparation did all of you do beforehand?

Our situation is as follows: Astraeus and I have been together for 12 years and have a young son, and Daedalea has been part of our lives for a year now (in a relationship with Astraeus for seven months, and we've been in a form of triad for about two and a half months). At the moment, we live apart, but Daedalea comes to spend a couple of nights a week with us, and Astraeus goes to her for a night a week. I sometimes go and stay with her for a night too but it's not as regular. Astraeus and I are going to move closer to Daedalea, and the tentative plan is that we will settle in first and then Daedalea will move in with us (although there has been no time frame set, we're approaching it in a sort of 'wait and see' way). We are all feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation about the move.

So ... how does one prepare for something like this? Obviously there are lots of things to discuss, from the mundane logistics to the emotional impact of sharing a home and adjusting to a new relationship structure. Any tips, stories or anything else would be hugely appreciated!

Thanks in advance,
Amanita

I agree with MsJulles that meetings are invaluable. For us, it is a safe place to be totally open with each other. Sometimes the day to day makes it easy to brush things under the rug and keep going. Stopping to meet with expectations of safety when expressing your needs, questions, and feelings is a great way to make sure feelings of jealousy, inequity, etc can be addressed.

I also feel like transparency about feelings, desires, pet peeves, etc. is vital to our success. In our relationship, I have been the one to force subjects and talk about all of the uncomfortable things. Earlier in out relationship, I expressed my guilt at being more drawn to Lamb than Pickle. During our NRE phase pickle told me that he felt like a dirty old shoe in the back of my closet (we talked about this and he soon joined us, starting our triad). This act of talking about the things that are hardest to talk about, has made our relationship stronger. Nobody feels left out because we are all a part of everything - problems and solutions.

When you discuss moving into a place and then havin her move in, it brings to mind a few questions and thoughts. Do you all have the same vision for the future? What does your future together look like to all of you. Are you planning on this being a forever relationship (aside from those growing apart type feelings that sometimes happen)? For me, it was extremely important for things become as even as possible when we started our lives together. Pickle and I were married and I bought our house with Lamb. That example is indicative of our whole life. I think that being a closed triad means that we all are allowd to feel like we play an equally vital role to the others in the relationship. Will your child become her child too or will that be something separate? It's different for us because we don't already have a child together, but when we do, it will be all of ours. Our child's name is Sprout Fairyqueen. I don't think either is a wrong choice - just something to mull over when moving forward.

Discussing the mundane logistics is really fun! All those daily decisions can be changed and adjusted as your individual and triad needs change. For me, those decisions are one if the very fun things in our lives.

I'm excited for you. My triad I the most amazing and wonderful thing in my life.

 

[WIZ1000]

Triad

I am part of a closed Triad and it has much to do with our age for it working so far , Being in the 40 year old age area we have done things, had children and our great ; third : has a more open idea about the whole thing she admits than if she was 30 or younger, MFF.
Me and my wife have been dating for 10 years many different women and wanting a serious third , but sadly we were not successful with almost 8 ladies we dated . We found ' equal " is not a fair assumption in our years of being in triads - Fair is more important as a factor in our current - so far most successful triad and hoping the last if all goes well , We have gained much knowledge that for it to work - " There is no her time , his time - Its OUR TIME " together . That's right , we do everything together - no one feels left out and balance is acquired because no person is alone . Of course work and things we all have to do as members of society we do on our own , Jobs are jobs. We are leaning , we sleep together in the same bed , we eat together and we do not hide public affection when we go out for each other . I have a belief that being in a closet about it will also mean your not serious enough to be in it , this at first for few months is not all the time - but should be when serious, about it.

 

[KC43]

For some of us, being in a closet about being polyamorous is a matter of not losing a job, not losing our kids, not losing our entire family, not losing housing, etc. For some, it's a matter of respect for our other partners; being all "Ooh, look, I'm poly and I love these people!" is not always respectful to the other people involved, depending on their needs, concerns, and life situations.

I'm entirely serious about my other relationships, but I'm closeted about them out of respect for Hubby's request that his family and their friends not find out. A request he made because his family is not particularly tolerant or open-minded, so they would likely turn against me, which would put Hubby in the position of having to choose between me and them. That's a choice he doesn't want to have to make, and I refuse to put him in a situation where he would have to make it. With my ex-boyfriend, being closeted was also a matter of respecting him, since if his employer had found out it might have had a negative impact on his job, and if some of his family members had found out, they would have completely ostracized him. *He* was not polyamorous; I was his only partner, and he didn't want any others, but the people he was concerned about were conservative and closed-minded enough that just the fact he was dating a married woman would have had very negative repercussions for him.

If *you* specifically are closeted about poly, *you* specifically might not be serious about it. You only get to judge that for yourself. You don't get to tell other people they aren't serious if they don't do YOUR way of poly.