Closing it once open

B

brhafr

New member
I'm poly, my wife is mono. We got married before I found out, if that makes sense. Even when I was in relationships before, I always felt that drive but never really pursued it... I didn't really know polyamory was a thing. After exploring some kinks like many married couples do, I found polyamory. It all started to make sense. My wife, being the wonderful woman she is, decided to give it a shot. I guess we didn't know what we were getting into...

After a few dates here and there, I started to lose confidence and backed off looking for a bit. Keeping open communication, my wife said it was ok for me to keep looking but my confidence was at an all-time low. That's when a friend came along.

I've known this girl most of my adult life. We dated once for a short stint but I guess the feelings never left. Our friendship recently grew closer and I opened up to her that I was poly. After discussing things with my wife, she said, "go for it."

All this being said, we are both avid redditors. She just posted on there that she wasn't happy with me being poly but is willing to do it to make me happy. I have very strong feelings for my metamor and I feel like being with both seems to strengthen my love for my wife... Almost like it more than doubled my loving capacity rather than dividing it.

We are currently reading "More Than Two" and I am getting a LOT of good information from it. But when I ask her about it, she gives a response almost on par with "meh."

I feel like Pandora's Box has been opened for real with this relationship because I really care about her. Before it was just a few single dates that never resulted in feelings. I feel that this situation has put my wife in a Catch 22 in that one of us must sacrifice our happiness for the other. I don't want my wife unhappy, and neither of us want a divorce. We are still very much in love. How can I help her feel secure?
 
You can't help your wife with her feelings. She has to decide if she wasn't to stay with you.

I am sure both my husbands wish I were mono. Murf has drawn the line in the sand that he is not ever going to be open to my having other partners. He only is ok with Butch because he was in my life when I met him.

Basically ypur wife will have to chose if she wants yo continue her relationship with you.
 
I agree with Dagferi that you cannot help your wife with her feelings; however, you can check in with her to make sure that there isn't something you can do which will make her feel better. Maybe the problem isn't that you're poly but that your wife doesn't feel like she is being given the what she needs right now. I obviously don't know the specifics of your relationship, but bear with me.

It could be something like she is feeling insecure because you and your friend are going out on dates, but you haven't taken her out like that in a while. It could be that she feels like you've been spending more time with your friend than she thought you would. These are things that can be recognized through open and honest communication, and potentially addressed so that everyone is getting what they personally need.

It is possible that your wife is someone that simply will never feel completely alright with you being poly... It is possible that what she needs is not something that you can really provide... However, you won't know unless the two you sit down and really hash things out.
 
If she can express herself on reddit but you're just being told "meh" when you ask how she's feeling in person, perhaps she'd be more comfortable discussing it in writing. Maybe you could start an email conversation?

[nitpick]
brhafr said:
I have very strong feelings for my metamor and I feel like being with both seems to strengthen my love for my wife...
Click to expand...
A metamor is the partner of your partner, not someone you are involved with yourself.
[end nitpick]
 
Hi brhafr,

Your wife may feel secure enough in her relationship with you. However, poly seems to leave a bad taste in her mouth. This may always be the case; not everyone is inclined towards poly, and some are more averse to it than others. Aversion to poly isn't always a "disease that can be cured," sometimes it is just part of a person's built-in characteristics.

It is generous of your wife to say okay to poly even if she doesn't like it. You can mitigate things by asking her if she has any needs that aren't being met, but I can't promise you can completely fix things. It's possible your marriage will always have this flaw. It happens.

My 2¢ anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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