Closing the door on poly

WhatToDo said:
I feel sorry for whoever the two of you decide to date in the future. Seems to be a lot of knee jerk reactions going on. I certainly hope they know up front that they can be jettisoned at the drop of a hat.
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I don't see this as "the drop of a hat" - they had only known each other less than a month. That's just dating and deciding it's not going to work.
 
WhatToDo said:
I feel sorry for whoever the two of you decide to date in the future. Seems to be a lot of knee jerk reactions going on. I certainly hope they know up front that they can be jettisoned at the drop of a hat.
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But we don't, generally. This was a decidedly freaky situation. He's been through one other breakup, and it was not sudden, nor was it unfriendly.

We are both learning this process, and yes, we're messing up. We're also learning from our mistakes. That doesn't mean we're doomed to repeat them.

There was NO way to be gentle with this woman; he tried. But after four weeks of trying, this was the straw that broke the camel's back, and she did not handle things gracefully... or even at all. After he told her several times he couldn't see her anymore, she kept asking if she was still his girlfriend.

And kept messaging me tell me to tell him to call and explain. Even though he had.

Kneejerk? Yes. And we've already got plans in place to help prevent this from happening again. If you know anyone who always makes the perfect choices in every relationship, I'd love to meet them.
 
I'm just confused I guess. What was the final straw? You getting jealous because he was sleep talking her or her being to clingy?

And no, I do not know of any perfect relationships, poly or otherwise. However when you say your closing the door on something and then reopen it two days later it just makes me think there is some hasty decision making going on. And that fine when it's just the 2 of you but when you start to include other people I think that can start to be a problem.
 
WhatToDo said:
I'm just confused I guess. What was the final straw? You getting jealous because he was sleep talking her or her being to clingy?

And no, I do not know of any perfect relationships, poly or otherwise. However when you say your closing the door on something and then reopen it two days later it just makes me think there is some hasty decision making going on. And that fine when it's just the 2 of you but when you start to include other people I think that can start to be a problem.
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He'd already broken up with his girlfriend before that happened
 
WhatToDo said:
I'm just confused I guess. What was the final straw? You getting jealous because he was sleep talking her or her being to clingy?
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Really, the real issue was the clinginess. I think that had she been a healthier partner, the sleep talking would have bothered me less, and he overreacted out of his own guilt. It was like taking the cap off of a pressure valve, and it triggered a lot that was building up.

And no, I do not know of any perfect relationships, poly or otherwise. However when you say your closing the door on something and then reopen it two days later it just makes me think there is some hasty decision making going on. And that fine when it's just the 2 of you but when you start to include other people I think that can start to be a problem.
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The decision to close the door was a kneejerk panic reaction, yes. We've talked about that, too; I told him I don't want to do the rollercoaster anymore, and this is a good thing. I think he's figured out that's not really an option anymore; not just for me; I can't change who I am, but... he can't either. This is who he is now.

For the record, he tried to be very kind in breaking up with her; very understanding, with the intent of being friends (as he is with the other women he's dated-- he still talk to his other ex girlfriend.) She just then decided to lose her shit, and we had to kinda cut her off unkindly and abruptly.

I think it was more him thinking he hurt me more than he did, that I would never recover. He didn't want to lose me.

None of it was necessary.

He broke up with her, and then we talked about ending the poly afterwards. We didn't go OH GOD, NO MORE POLY and end it all with everyone we were in contact with. No one else was involved in that, certainly no long-term relationships on the line. (Though I talked to my guy, and he was understanding and accepting, and wanted to know if we could still talk. He's also okay with us keeping it where we are right now; flirting, talking, hanging out.
 
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Holy SHIT. That woman just took it up another level. Apparently she contacted one of hubby's facebook friends to tell her that he was married, and had stopped seeing other people, and she needed to leave him alone because he was going to be with her.

And then she CALLED her (the girl had left her number in a facebook post. Not smart, but still. What the hell.)

She had also sent us both facebook requests after we deleted her.

CRAAAAAZY.
 
I still feel for her ... She apparently had a weak psyche, and it didn't take much of a blow to shatter it. But you can't have that kind of craziness in your life. I am not a believer in throwing myself on someone else's altar.

You'll definitely know to take it slower and more cautiously in the future, eh.
 
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