"Coming out" and the drama that ensued

B

BillNIndy

Member
So, a few weeks ago, I decided it was time to come out as poly. I'm a straight man who has always felt like I am capable of loving multiple people and I feel amazing after coming out.

I am now out to my family, children, friends, Facebook and even some coworkers.

The drama came when yesterday I was called into the conference room of my job by the owner of the company. He was irate and told me that he wasn't sure if he should even talk to me because of how angry he was.

He proceeds to tell me that I live a "perverted lifestyle" and that I "disgust" him. He then follows by saying, "the only reason I don't fire you is because I'm sure you'd find a way to sue me or something. So, instead, he is changing my job role to something that he knows I despise. He wants to make it so miserable that I quit.

After hearing him out, I could only cry. I was angry, hurt and didn't know what to do. I looked up if there were any legal rights that I may have and low and behold "polyamorist" is not a protected class against discrimination in Indiana. So, I have no legal recourse. So, my plan is to keep my head up and continue doing the best possible work I can until this blows over or they do decide to let me go.

The messed up thing is that he said that "everyone" in the office knows just how "fucked up" I am and is complaining/gossiping about it. The few coworkers that I do know well enough to be "out" to have shown me nothing but support and have talked about how brave it was to be so open and that they admired that about me.

So, there are 4 people that know the whole deal. And someone has gone to the owner of the company about it. I don't now WHO since everyone is telling me one thing and saying other stuff behind my back, so now I feel like I have no friends at work and have already begun distancing myself from everyone in the office. Which sucks.

I loveD my job and I loveD the people I work with. I've been here for several years and always looked forward to going to work and being with everyone and doing whatever I can for the benefit of my employer. Now, I don't. I dread it.

My direct boss (another owner) said that the CEO crossed the line and should not have said any of what he did, but there's nothing he can do about it. (I call bullshit, he could have stood up for me)

So, I guess I'm not really looking for advice as such, just a more of "has this ever happened to you? And if so, how did you overcome it?"
 
selectively out too

This weekend a few of our very close friends came camping with us. Saturday night our normal Vee ended up all in one tent. Waking Sunday morning, our friends realized what had happened. Rather than allowing an awkward silence to continue over breakfast I explained our relation. My longtime bi GF and her new completely lesbian GF are moving into a home together. So now, a small subset of our larger social circle knows. We are fully aware that this information is not going to be confined. In a way it is a relief. In another, it is somewhat stressful to learn what others think. Bottom line, we are happy. This arrangement provides my bi GF with the female to female contact she wishes while maintaining the male to female contact she is more accustomed to. The three of us enjoy meals together, drinks, movies and games. a MBiFLF threesome is very much like a MMF threesome. There are no swords to cross, but the two of us focus on our hinge and aren't involved with each other. Your work situation is one that makes me nervous. I hate the idea of having to deal with scrutiny. I look forward to leaving government service and entering the private sector. The three of us intend to open a business together. In this way we may be able to limit some of the stigma.
 
One thing I didn't mention is that even with everything that happened, I don't regret being out.

I knew there would be those that wrinkled up their nose and I expected some backlash... But I never expected this.

Still, I would do it all again.
 
BillNIndy said:
Still, I would do it all again.
Click to expand...

Good for you. If that's the case then hold your chin up and take the fallout with a smile.

Personally, I don't "come out" to people who don't need to know. I live in Dallas Texas and am surrounded by conservative, monogamous, Christians. I am a libertarian (more or less), polyamorous, atheist... so I keep it out of conversation whenever possible.

I don't think I could stay in a company in which the boss is free to be openly cruel to me about my personal life choices any time they feel like it. That is pretty much the definition of a hostile work environment.
 
As much as I loathe the phrase, it may be time to lawyer up. Your boss has most definitely created a 'hostile work environment' that you shouldn't have to endure. When one is specifically targeted for harassment (by the top boss no less) as you have been, it's time to cash out the job and move on.

Consult a quality lawyer who specializes in employment law. Your first hurdle will be finding one whose eyes don't glaze over when they realize that you're a straight male seeking to fight discrimination. Too many lawyers prefer 'ez mode' when it comes to clients, so sorting those out will be the big first step. Luckily, many lawyers offer a free initial meeting so try those first. Bear in mind that a certain amount of judge shopping will need to be done also, so a well-connected lawyer is an absolute must. The ACLU might be a place to start also, but don't expect a positive response.

The first question though is: how much of this can you prove? Even if everyone at work knows, including your boss's partner, will any of them back you up? If it's his word against yours, you'll just be yet another 'disgruntled employee' looking for trouble and free money.

You may get lucky though, depending on just how much of a wingnut this guy is. He may use any testimony he gives as a pulpit for his righteous fury at your horrible sinful lifestyle.

Before you do all of this though, maybe you just need to sit down for a serious talk with your actual boss. Gently remind him that if you do have to take this to court that the situation will be hitting him in the wallet as well. It's amazing how helpful people can get when you highlight their own areas of self-interest.

Good luck man, I hope things improve for you.
 
I am under orders (by my two poly companions) to keep it in the closet so to say. So I have not experienced backlash from outing myself, much less work-related backlash.

On the other hand I have had the pleasure of working for a shitty employer who didn't like me -- and I've had the pleasure of getting pushed around and raked over the coals by trusted churchmembers (and church leaders). So I know how it feels to get hit by treatment far worse than I'd have expected. I know what it's like to have an authority bearing down on me because I've tried to be myself (instead of some cookie-cutter clone).

You have been dealt a lousy hand, and not because you did anything wrong. Even if we had a time machine, you wouldn't use it to recant your outing yourself at the workplace. That's fine, it is a noble stand to take. And it stinks that the world as it is often punishes noble decisions. Buuut ... since the world is thus, we have little choice but to decide how to respond to its injustices.

I don't know you well and I don't know your situation, but just judging based on what I've heard in this thread, I think you need to seek out a different place of employment. I know job hunting isn't a chore anyone would look forward to, but I think the alternative would be worse. I don't think you're gonna get rid of this guy that's treating you like crap, which means years and decades of his continued abuse. Your job has become a prison sentence.

Yes, we can hope that he'll reconsider his attitude and change. People do change sometimes. They can improve. They can grow up. They can lay aside such vices as self-righteousness and prudish indignance. But there's never a guarantee that they will, and I counsel people not to count on such things. I would assume that this guy will forever have it in for you, and will forever be in a position where he can make bad stuff happen to you.

Now I apologize because I know you weren't asking for advice. But you see, that's kind of how I dealt with the bad situations that I described that I went through. When my boss at work had treated me like crap for many moons, I got wise enough to start scouring the countryside for a better job. It was a long painful search but it did finally pay off. And after decades of psychological abuse by agents of the church, I finally stopped taking their orders, stopped attending, and even demanded that they strike my name from the roles of their church. It was a hard, painful change for me, but it left me much better off in the end.

In short, I learned that one should only settle for fair, decent treatment. I learned that I must remove the people from my life who were tormenting me. They weren't easy to extract, but grim determination extracted them eventually. And boy was I glad when they were gone.

I feel that you are going through a mourning process because this has been a job that you have loved. It's natural to hope that somehow it can be salvaged, and if you want to try I don't blame you. But as we learned in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade," sometimes it's okay to just let it go, even if it's the Holy Grail you're hanging onto. If you find -- eventually -- that you need to let this job go, try to do so with a peaceful heart. You did your best. You had some good times at this job, you made good friends, and you can always look back with fondness on those things. Our memories are our one true contact with the past.

You may have to shop around to find a workplace that would accept you for who you are, but I believe such workplaces exist. And as an out-and-proud polyamorist, you deserve nothing less.

I hope these thoughts and suggestions help somewhat.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top