Coming Out as Poly to Your Mono Partner

[HotPepper]

OP, it sounds like you're looking for a recipe for how to come out to your SO in some kind of a gentle way that will absolutely, positively, prevent your SO from leaving. There isn't one. I've looked hard for one, and have spent a lot of time here and elsewhere. It boils down to this: use kind words and kind language, but DO share your feelings honestly.

Thank you, MorningTwilight. And thanks to everyone who has shared their thoughts on this thread-- lovefromgirl, Savage, bassman, Icewraithonyx, Somegeezer, NYCindie, Phy, NovemberRain, and others.

What Morning says is really the truth. There is no set way to reveal your newly discovered self to your partner. It is completely different from one set of circumstances to the next, from one monogamous relationship to the next, from one person to the next.

Then STFU and let your SO talk. If your SO doesn't want to talk, then continue and perhaps say something like, "You don't have to say anything, and I'm not asking for any kind of a decision right now. I love you. There is nothing wrong with you--in fact, this is not about you at all; it's about who and what I am, and I need to be able to be honest about that. I do not want to leave you, and I will not act without your consent; however, I do need you to really consider this: read about it, think about it, talk with people and ask questions about it, and talk with me about it. Take your time."

.....

You have to be resigned to the very real possibility that this discussion could unwind your relationship. There is no way to have this discussion without taking that risk. There just isn't.

But, although there is no single set of directions, no 'right path' through the forest, there is a clear direction, as Morning has written about. Do you want to give your monogamous partner the best chance possible to save your relationship? That's the question you have to be honest with yourself first.

If that answer is Yes, then here's the path:

• Never lie.
• Tell him/her you love them.
• Tell them what you have discovered about yourself.
• Tell them how far you are into the process of self-discovery. It isn't likely that you have settled into your newly-evolved self yet; admit that there may still be changes to come.
• Tell them you love them again.
• STFU

There are a million ways to do the above. This is where you have to use your brain, and see it from their perspective (it helps to be empathetic). But you can't rush this. That would ruin everything.

I told my SO in March. It's now the end of April, and she has already started reading "The Art end Etiquette of Polyamory" by Simpiere, and listening to the Polyamory Weekly podcast hosted by Minx.

We talk about polyamory in loose ways, on her timetable, and only as much as is comfortable for her. I do not press any issue at all. I end every discussion with a sincere admission of my love for her and my commitment to go down this road at her pace, together.

Just a few days ago, my SO joked about sharing me with others. I smiled, and kept my mouth closed. Be honest always, but know when to shut up, as well.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is that no pressure is put on one's partner. Even if you believe that pressuring your SO will make the process move faster, that will only work in the short term, and true long-lasting embracing of the poly life will always be doubtful.

The way I see it, I have been poly all my life, without having a name for it. And now that I know who I am, I'm willing to wait a year, or several, to be the person I am, if that's what my SO needs.

I'll be back to keep everyone up to date.

 

[Pheline]

It seems odd, to me, that it appears to be easy to cheat, and hurt someone without thinking whatsoever about the consequences. But then, when considering coming out as poly to the spouse, suddenly it's oh-so important to follow every step and take it very very slowly, just not to cause any hurt. Surely, if people would be so considerate and honest to their partner in the first place, then cheating would not be necessary?

In my view, this long-drawn-out approach of coming out may cause mor pain in the long run, rather than less.

I had cheated before. I felt that being honest to myself and my husband that I could not be monogamous for anyone was easier than continuing to cheat. Therefore, one day I just came out and told the truth. A lot of discussions, arguments and tears followed, but it was worth it for me. I owed it to myself. I do not get another life, and I wanted to live a polyamorous life with the person I loved most, my husband. Luckily in the end he understood and heard me properly and did not feel threatened.

 

[HotPepper]

Surely if people would be so considerate and honest to their partner in the first place then cheating would not be necessary?

In my view, this long-drawn-out approach of coming out may cause more pain in the long run, rather than less.

Yeah, it's b.s. But we didn't make the rules. And because the rules are so crappy, it's actually easier to cheat than to tell the truth. So I don't know about you (I cheated too), it was just the easy way to get what I wanted, rather then the right way.

Now I live a proper life, but it took a serious error on my part to get there.

 

[Pheline]

Yeah, sorry if I sounded judgmental. Should not have been. After all, I took the same route as you. I guess it's that realisation that there are other options. Granted, the path is soooo much harder, but worth it in the end, for sure. I am glad I followed my heart. The world has not come to an end, and neither has my relationship. In fact, it's so much more open now. Just because we are allowed to date other people, or have loving relationships with other people, I still do not jump on everyone with a pulse, as my husband had feared. I also did not end my 17-year relationship just because I met that special person who complements us. But it needed that push to find out. I think if everyone had more trust in themselves to make their own decisions and rules, rather than sticking to the conventional same for all rule, then the world would be truly a nicer place to live. Amen.

 

[HotPepper]

Yeah sorry if I sounded judgmental... I guess its that realisation that there are other options.... Granted the path is soooo much harder but worth it in the end, for sure. I am glad I followed my heart. The world has not come to an end and neither has my relationship. In fact, it's so much more open now and just because we are allowed to date other people or have loving relationships to other people I still do not jump on everyone with a pulse as my husband had feared. I also did not end my 17 year relationship just because I met that special person who complements us. But it needed that push to find out. I think if everyone had more trust in themselves to make their own decisions and rules rather than sticking to the conventional same for all rule, then the world would be truly a nicer place to live.

Not judgmental sounding at all, Pheline. Your point is taken. The world has some catching up to do to get to where we are. I don't mean that in an elitist way, either. I don't think of myself as enlightened because I'm a newly-discovered poly. But I am much happier with myself now, and somewhat resentful that the world around me has forced me into its peculiar mold for so many years.

Bottom line, I'm just happy that this site exists. And I'm happy that there are those that have paved the way before me. Otherwise, I would still be an unfulfilled soul in a mono relationship blaming myself for being different from those around me.

And don't you, and others who read this, feel more liberated overall? Not just in relationships, but in other aspects of life? I do.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

And don't you, and others who read this, feel more liberated overall? Not just in relationships, but in other aspects of life? I do.

This has come up in other threads. The general consensus seems to be that people who are poly (or poly-supportive), either by choice or by nature, are more willing to go against the mainstream in other areas of life. In my V we have an ex-Jehovah's Witness, an ex-Catholic, and an ex-Baptist. Two of us are pansexual. All of us are gamers and anime geeks. So being in a poly relationship is just one more way we don't fit the mold. Sometimes, yes, it can feel liberating. Other times it just feels exhausting to have to deal with the fight to be treated with the same consideration and respect as those in the mainstream.

 

[lovefromgirl]

And don't you, and others who read this, feel more liberated overall? Not just in relationships, but in other aspects of life? I do.

Actually, no. Not only is my relationship not protected by any law, I get to keep it mostly under wraps so future employers can't say "Oh, she's unfit for this career." Being poly has also not magically solved the disability thing or the one-crisis-away-from-poverty thing.

I did all the hard work of liberating myself from the things that were fixable myself, and I'm proud of that. Only a small part of that has to do with polyamory.

 

[Arrowbound]

And don't you, and others who read this, feel more liberated overall? Not just in relationships, but in other aspects of life? I do.

Actually, no. Not only is my relationship not protected by any law, I get to keep it mostly under wraps so future employers can't say "Oh, she's unfit for this career." Being poly has also not magically solved the disability thing or the one-crisis-away-from-poverty thing.

I did all the hard work of liberating myself from the things that were fixable myself, and I'm proud of that. Only a small part of that has to do with polyamory.

I relate the most to your sentiments in terms of answering HP's question, LFG. It has been an ongoing process, over time, and poly is just another part of that.

 

[HotPepper]

And don't you, and others who read this, feel more liberated overall? Not just in relationships, but in other aspects of life? I do.

Actually, no. Not only is my relationship not protected by any law, I get to keep it mostly under wraps so future employers can't say "Oh, she's unfit for this career." Being poly has also not magically solved the disability thing or the one-crisis-away-from-poverty thing.

I did all the hard work of liberating myself from the things that were fixable myself, and I'm proud of that. Only a small part of that has to do with polyamory.

I relate the most to your sentiments in terms of answering HP's question, LFG. It has been an ongoing process, over time, and poly is just another part of that.

I'm the odd one out, yet again! LOL

I think I have conformed for too long, and while pulling my finger out of the dike, I got a flood when I expected a trickle. Coming to terms with being poly was a big step to my personal liberation ('big' maybe because it is my first serious attempt at casting off the yoke?).

But I think I understand what you both are saying. It's a process and this is just one step.

 

[Somegeezer]

I'm the odd one out yet again! LOL

I think I have conformed for too long, and while pulling my finger out of the dike I got a flood when I expected a trickle. Coming to terms with being poly was a big step to my personal liberation ('big' maybe because it is my first serious attempt at casting off the yoke?).

But I think I understand what you both are saying. It's a process and this is just one step.

I'm with you here. Definitely liberating, for myself, at least. Finally coming to terms with who I really was. For 18 years, not really understanding what I was feeling. thinking I was just weird for having such thoughts.

Unlike a lot of people, I'm free to be out to whom I feel I want to be out to, too. As a quite free person, that generally just means as soon as it comes into conversation. But I certainly understand there are some people who would not, over the possibilities of losing careers and family [both emotionally, and legally]. I don't have either of those worries just yet.

But yes, a whole load off my shoulders. Now I can relax, knowing that this is who I am, and that is ok.