Coming out, but feeling lonely?

passion_flower

New member
I (F28) have been in many long-term relationships before discovering that I am poly. Three days ago I have finally discovered this so I came out to my partner. It went badly. My monogamous partner went through a whirlwind of emotions.

I feel so alone. Even surrounded by my friends and my partner, knowing they all love me, I feel alone. I don't know why. I need to talk with someone. My therapist isn't helping. I haven't found any place that knows what I'm going through. It was so easy coming out as bi/pan. It was easy because I knew. But I am in a committed relationship with my partner and I want a relationship with another person. And these feelings have happened during every single long term relationship. I read articles and I identify completely with them. I know I am poly. I came out, but I still feel like something is wrong.. like something is missing. Please... someone tell me I'm not alone..
 
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You aren't alone like first person ever. Other people have been in these shoes before.

I think you pretty much nail it though.

I feel so alone. Even surrounded by my friends and my partner, knowing they all love me, I feel alone.

You maybe feel lonely or isolated right now. Which can feel worse when surrounded by people. A part of what is missing is poly supportive community. You haven't had a chance to build that yet.

These people? While they all love you? Don't KNOW all of you, because you yourself didn't know all of you. You only realized you are poly 3 days ago. Good you came out and are trying to live your life authentically. But waiting out the ripple effects can be... nrgh.

Your news might be a dealbreaker for your monogamous partner. They didn't sign up to be doing a poly thing. They signed up for something else. So their boat is rocking and they can't help you with your rocking boat. They have their own problems.

Then your friends and family? They might not know HOW to support you as a poly person going through some stuff right now. They are going to be busy updating the picture of you they had in their heads to include this new part of you since coming out to them. So they can't really support you well when your boat is rocking because their own boat is rocking a bit with the news and maybe the lack of skills or knowledge. These people might be willing and able to help you with simple things off this list so you can catch a break and get some rest, time to think, do your soul searching. etc.

https://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

You can ask "I'm going through some stuff. You can't really help me with that part. But you could help me by bringing some dinners so I don't have to cook while going through stuff. Could you be willing to do that?" They might not know how to help you with poly things but I imagine most know how to make a dinner appear.

Therapist? If they aren't a poly experienced therapist, or at least willing to read

https://www.communitysolutionsva.or..._Professionals_Should_Know_About_Polymory.pdf

and willing to try to help in appropriate ways? The therapist might be ADDING to your stress rather than helping to TAKE AWAY. Because you can't be educating your therapist on polyamory. You are the patient. Not your job to give your counselor continuing professional education or training.

You have a lot going on. So I'm sorry. I do see you struggling. You aren't unseen.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings passion_flower,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think you feel alone because you are not getting the support you need in being poly. Hopefully talking on Polyamory.com will help. Also, you should look for a new therapist if the one you have isn't helping you.

Being poly can be a lonely world if you are surrounded by staunch monogamists. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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