Coming out of a rut

[firsttimepoly]

My husband and I of 16 years had fallen into an emotional rut and didn't know how to get out. Watching the new TV series Sister Wives sparked an interest in us and we discussed the possibilities. Everything seemed to have many pros, and not that many cons that could not be overcome.

My husband was discussing our situation with a female friend of his, and she too was interested in the lifestyle, as she also has relationship issues currently and is looking for "a more fulfilling" life. Since he has been speaking to her, and they've been developing a relationship, he has become more aware of himself and how "stuck" we were.

I am happy he is finding a new love in her, but am dealing with my issues with "sharing," as I have never done this before. But after meeting with her, I really like her and don't mind sharing (with the possibility of her and me being together as well, eventually). I think I am just more jealous that I am not falling in love too, as they are.

Don't get me wrong, the relationship between my husband and me is getting better. We're communicating more. He is not as demanding as he once was, and seems to be genuinely happy.

We all agree that a polyamorous relationship is what we all are in need of, the emotional support, the friendship, the love, all the bells and whistles, to make a fuller, richer life for us and our families.

However, once we do this, how do we introduce this to our extended family members and friends? We all come from very Christian backgrounds and do not think that our new love style will be widely accepted by them. We don't really care, but the point is to have and embrace our family. We want to have a commitment ceremony eventually and would like everyone to join us and to celebrate and be happy with us. How can we do this tactfully and tastefully?

 

[redpepper]

Well, first of all, I think you are putting the cart before the horse. You are only just starting this journey. There is far more to think about than what your families think. You have a world of things to sort out. The more you are in it the more there will be. Baby steps, my friend, baby steps.

I think it might not be wise to consider that you will be with her also. It's a lovely thing to love a metamour (your partner's partner), but to love them "that way" doesn't often work. It doesn't sound like right off the bat it was about the three of you in a triad, so I'd say to let them alone and enjoy your newly-revived partner.

You sound like you have empathy and NRE (new relationship energy) for your husband and his girlfriend. That is lovely, but keeping it in perspective might be a good idea. Someone has to anchor you all to the ground.

Give this all a chance. It isn't all glorious and lovely. If you have some jealousy, then it's best to address it and get more settled before telling family. It becomes far more complicated and intense once others know. All those little doubts become huge. Make sure there are none beforehand.

My bf Mono was in our lives for 8 months before we told my family. We told them because they forced us to. (My parents live on our street and help care for our son.) It was far too early. We had just worked out boundaries about time together on a regular basis and were getting comfortable with the dynamic. (You can read back in my blog to see.)

It's been almost two years now and Mono lives with us. It was a hell of a ride, but we did it only because we took our time. There is no rush to do anything. If you love someone, there is often that feeling of wanting to spend the rest of our lives with them. Riding on that has been helpful to us.

 

[Quath]

I agree with Redpepper, in that you need to see where the relationship is going before you plan too far or try to steer it where it doesn't naturally want to go.

Once you get to a phase where you are ready to tell friends and family, there are several threads on this board on coming out. But I think the main point is not to act defensive, and to point out that you are happy. Some people may reject it, but still want you as friend/family. That can be difficult. But over time, families can be won over, as they see it is not as horrible as they imagined. Some will be okay. But others may not want to hang around you anymore. In a sense, you find out who is really your loyal friend or family member.

 

[SourGirl]

I agree totally with Redpepper and Quath. Polyamory is hard. I don`t mean hard like being on Survivor, and living on rice for 30 days. I mean it is doubly more difficult than monogamous relationship development.

I`ve had a fairly easy ride, compared to many stories I have read, or seen develop around me. Still, if I could choose to not be poly in mindset, I would. Life would be simpler.

Take your time. Let 'coming out' develop naturally, if you can.

I am Catholic, and have no intention of coming out to anyone. As far as I am concerned, it's not anyone`s business, and even if I were found out, they are on a need-to-know basis.

I won`t ever be living with secondaries, though. So it's easy for me to say such things. One thing I do think, watching how others handle coming out, is that I really wish people would consider the feelings of those receiving such information. So many people seem to handle it like they are teling friends and family they just bought a new house. That is not a good way to handle it. Usually seems to lead to disasters and hurt feelings.

When telling someone who is religious, and/or from an older generation, do not expect acceptance. Have reasonable expectations. People not accepting you right off the bat is not them necessarily being evil. It is shocking for them. They are hearing of things they have probably never heard of.

The first time I heard of polyamory, it was overwhelming. Even if I wanted to embrace it, when I heard of the concept for the first time, I shook my head and said, "No, never!" And I was searching for that info, and still felt that way!

Put yourself in other's shoes, and time things in a appropriate manner. Bits of info are sometimes more useful than bombarding people. Also give people lots of time to find a piece of their love and heart that can accept you, once the shock wears off.

One day at a time.... Make sure the polyamorous relationships are solid first. People can`t take others seriously if things aren`t established.

 

[preciselove]

Don't tell anyone. If they visit you, or you visit them, just do what you normally do. And if they ask about it, tell them. You have to be secure in who you are if you want acceptance. People don't like thinking you are hiding things from them.