Coming Out to Family

[PennyCantrip]

This has been my biggest challenge so far, and one I’m moving around very cautiously, perhaps a little too cautiously.

My partners and I are fairly “out”, we do things together as a family and take the kiddo to the park and movies and stuff as a family unit. I was out at my last workplace and will be out in my next one, and many of our close friends on all sides are aware. My one partner’s parents both know and accept me as a member of the family. My other partner’s mother is aware as well, and while she doesn’t fully understand or approve, she’s begun to acknowledge my presence in the house and the role I play for her grandson. My own parents have been the most difficult, and I do understand their perspective. I made a lot of crap decisions when it came to relationships as a young adult, and they worry constantly. Coming out as bisexual as a teen was difficult enough, my mom didn’t speak to me for two weeks and we haven’t really discussed it since, and any same-sex partners I had, she didn’t really acknowledge as a thing that was really happening or would last very long. When I told her about my partners, she took a week or two to process before coming back to me with “I just don’t like it.” She doesn’t see how it’s a sustainable future for me to be with a couple that has been married for years, doesn’t see how it could last or make sense to be in.

Well, now we’re buying a house together, and obviously that’s a huge step. My partners are wondering when I’m going to tell my parents, as we’ve been telling almost everyone else— this place is an absolute dream home and fits exactly what we were all looking for, and it’s absolutely stunning. But with my parents, I feel like I have to hide this until we get a cohabitation agreement put together, because I absolutely know that they’re going to push back on my decision to buy a home with two people they have no interest in getting to know. I want them to know that I’ve thought this through, committed, and that there will absolutely be protections in place for me in case the relationship as a whole doesn’t work out and I need out of the house for whatever reason. Even then, my parents won’t like it. I’m struggling to figure out how to help them see that I’m the most emotionally stable I’ve been in a long time, have a really wonderful support system, and that I have thought this through. My partners know that it will take time, but with Settlement Day looming on the horizon, every day that passes is a day I haven’t been fully honest with my nuclear family about my future, and as we’re generally a close-knit family, I hate feeling like I have to hide something so exciting from them just because I know they won’t be happy for me.

 

[YouAreHere]

I absolutely know that they’re going to push back on my decision to buy a home with two people they have no interest in getting to know. I want them to know that I’ve thought this through, committed, and that there will absolutely be protections in place for me in case the relationship as a whole doesn’t work out and I need out of the house for whatever reason. Even then, my parents won’t like it.

Not a snide question, but an honest one: when do you stop trying to prove yourself and just live your life?

There will be people for whom whatever proof you provide will never be enough. If they won't like it anyway, my advice is to stop wasting energy on it and let it be.

That said, my pragmatic side is pleased you're putting protections in place in case you need to leave - there are too many monogamous couples who get into financial trouble when they own a house, aren't married, and the relationship dissolves. If you haven't taken a look, the /r/personalfinance subreddit may have some good advice. They tend to have these stories pop up from time to time, with some "lessons learned" when the relationships go pear-shaped.

Enjoy the new home, BTW!

 

[PennyCantrip]

Not a snide question, but an honest one: when do you stop trying to prove yourself and just live your life?

There will be people for whom whatever proof you provide will never be enough. If they won't like it anyway, my advice is to stop wasting energy on it and let it be.

Thanks, YouAreHere. Intellectually, I know this of course; I’m just finally in a situation where I feel like I’m living my best life, and of course it hurts that my parents won’t acknowledge it.

As far as the protections go, my partners and I still need to figure out what that looks like, and hopefully we have a few minutes sometime this week to talk about it. But it’s really important to all of us that those protections are in place with something as monumental as buying a house, it was one of the first things we talked about. I’m hoping to gather more information on what a good agreement looks like during my time on this forum, so if anyone has any knowledge on that, i’d Be happy to soak it in!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi PennyCantrip,

I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive towards you. They are refusing to share in your joys. Is either of them a little more supportive than the other, or are they both pretty bad? I hope they'll come around eventually. I'm so sorry you feel like you have to hide things from them.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[PennyCantrip]

Hi PennyCantrip,

I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive towards you. They are refusing to share in your joys. Is either of them a little more supportive than the other, or are they both pretty bad? I hope they'll come around eventually. I'm so sorry you feel like you have to hide things from them.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

I'm honestly not sure my father knows yet, I haven't had the chance to talk to him about it. As a rule, He's generally been more supportive of me as far as my sexuality and relationship choices goes, but also way more hands-off; he doesn't want details or really ever show interest in my partners, so I haven't found an organic way to bring up the conversation yet. My mom's always sort of been my confidante in this type of thing, and she's not really much of one right now.

 

[PennyCantrip]

Not a snide question, but an honest one: when do you stop trying to prove yourself and just live your life?

There will be people for whom whatever proof you provide will never be enough. If they won't like it anyway, my advice is to stop wasting energy on it and let it be.

That said, my pragmatic side is pleased you're putting protections in place in case you need to leave - there are too many monogamous couples who get into financial trouble when they own a house, aren't married, and the relationship dissolves. If you haven't taken a look, the /r/personalfinance subreddit may have some good advice. They tend to have these stories pop up from time to time, with some "lessons learned" when the relationships go pear-shaped.

Enjoy the new home, BTW!

I know that, intellectually, my life is mine to live and that others' opinions don't really matter, but it still stings a bit to have my mom so staunchly against something that means so much to me.

We are eager to have the agreement written and put into no uncertain terms, as none of us want to end up in a living situation that is unnecessarily painful should the relationship dissolve; as it stands, any disagreements are usually solved quickly as three functioning adults who know how to communicate, but if things ever do go seriously south, we want protection of assets in place to alleviate the added pressure of figuring out what goes where in the event of a split-up.

 

[kdt26417]

That sucks, when you can't depend on your mom for support. With your dad, it sounds like it's mostly a matter of making the opportunity to tell him, and then he's like, "Huh, okay, whatever." Disappointing, but at least you know what to expect.

 

[PennyCantrip]

Not a snide question, but an honest one: when do you stop trying to prove yourself and just live your life?

There will be people for whom whatever proof you provide will never be enough. If they won't like it anyway, my advice is to stop wasting energy on it and let it be.

That said, my pragmatic side is pleased you're putting protections in place in case you need to leave - there are too many monogamous couples who get into financial trouble when they own a house, aren't married, and the relationship dissolves. If you haven't taken a look, the /r/personalfinance subreddit may have some good advice. They tend to have these stories pop up from time to time, with some "lessons learned" when the relationships go pear-shaped.

Enjoy the new home, BTW!

Frankly, I’m really excited about my partners’ enthusiasm for a cohab agreement. I’ve been royally screwed out of a living situation more than once due to poor relationship decisions, and the fact that they want to take steps to protect me and my assets (and theirs too of course) in the event of a poor conclusion is a comfort to me and, hopefully, to my family as well, when I get the courage to tell them the recent developments.

Intellectually, I know I have to prove nothing to anyone but myself, but it still stings a bit to feel so certain that this will cause tension and strain with my nuclear family. I want to frame it to them in a way they understand; their whole deal when it comes to family is that “it takes a village”. We all pitched in, mom dad and sisters, to help my aunt raise my cousin through his early childhood years, and now my sister and her fiancé have a very young son of their own and all live together in a house with my parents. So the concept of a communal family isn’t a far cry for them to understand, but they just don’t see how it can be sustainable when it’s not your nuclear family you’re doing it with, and instead “found” family or however you choose to define a romantic triad.