communication assistance

L

lost

New member
Background:

My wife told me that she was polyamorous and possibly needed to separate from me. I felt threatened, insecure, apparently all the normal things. I'm coming around to an acceptance that she can love multiple people. We still have a lot of ground work to do. We need to come up with rules and expectations. I have personal growth to address, on top of our shaky marriage. We're seeing a couples counselor who is quite accepting of my wife's needs. We will see him again on Friday. I'm looking forward to it.

Background:

My wife got a call from a newish friend who needs a ride to a storage unit, a 3-hour round trip. This friend has a reputation for disturbing relationships on shaky ground, a rumor that was brought to my attention yesterday while we were hanging out at a friend's house. While my wife had left to get lunch, I caught the tail end of the conversation, pried a little bit, and discovered who they were talking about.

So, I'm concerned. I'm less concerned about her relationship with this friend. He's a nice enough guy. However, I am concerned about how their friendship will affect our relationship. I'm also concerned that if she gets intimately involved with her friend it could be easier for her to not mention it than to discuss it.

I'm also concerned that my thoughts might be a manifestation of jealousy. Additionally, I don't know how to frame these concerns so my wife doesn't take it as a personal attack.

This is a good test for me. Any guidance is appreciated.
 
This sounds like a hard place to be. I think your concerns are valid, but you have to ask yourself: what can you really do? If you refuse to let your wife see him, then you will be right back with the problem you started with. At least, it seems that way to me. I sincerely hope that everything works out.
 
This seems like yet another disastrous start. No offense intended. Feel free to read my story. I had my own big disastrous start.

I highly suggest:
- Stick with the counselor.
- Work on yourself.
- Remind yourself daily that only you can change yourself.
- Let go of your "claim" on your wife. it's not real anyway.
- Work on figuring out what you need to be happy in life.
- Once you know, decide if that is compatible with what she needs.
- Read the communication thread.
 
Thank you, Ceoli. That looks like a good resource to digest.

LovingRadiance, good point! Just when I thought I was working on some of the "me" issues, you bring several concepts to light that I had been ignoring. What do I need to be happy in life? Why isn't this a question I've been asking myself for years? Definitely a question I'll be spending some time pondering.

I'm off to read the valuable resources you both so kindly pointed out to me. Thanks again!
 
Lost,

In truth, we're all lost, in some issues of our life. We're each in our own spot. Someone else has already been where we are. If we let them, they can suggest how to avoid the pitfalls.

You might also look at www.lovemore.com, www.xeromag.com and check out some of the books that are listed in the recommended books list.
All have been very helpful for me.
 
Hang in there, lost. This is a challenging time for you, a nexus, if you will. I agree with the advice that's been given to you already. Read as much as possible. Listen to others who've been there. Do as much work on yourself as you can. Be supportive and loving. Communicate. Be honest but respectful when you do. You are not alone. Many of us have been through similar situations, and we understand!
 
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