Components of a successful “STI Risk/Safe Sex” conversation?

M

MsEmotional

Member
Laptop and I are planning to do the safe sex conversation soon. With Ponytail this stuff just came up in conversation before we actually had sex so it wasn’t like a set conversation. What elements do you think are standard/important to discuss?

Here are some possible discussion topics (framed as questions that would get information that one person would potentially want to know about the other, but not necessarily asked in this way):

1. When were you last screened for STIs? What were the results of that screening? How often/ under what circumstances do you plan to get screened moving forward?

2. What policies do you have regarding barrier protection? For what activities do you use these barriers? Do you use these barriers every time or do you have some partners where these policies are more relaxed and/or nonexistent?

3. (For heterosexual partnerships only...) What methods of birth control do you use with your partners? Is abortion an option for you personally in the case of birth control failure?

Do you have other pieces of information that you’d want to know or convey during a pre-sex chat? Anything that I listed that you would consider TMI and kind of invasive to ask about?

Also, is the question about abortion too heavy for this stage of a relationship? I personally just want to make sure a potential partner isn’t assuming I would get an abortion if they got me pregnant. I can see how a lot of poly folk might expect that an abortion would be the assumed outcome if a pregnancy between casual/secondary partners would arise, but in my case I think it would be very unlikely that I would choose an abortion if I ended up pregnant. (Never say never, of course, I might feel differently if it actually happened.) Is this a thing that should be discussed in advance? Or (if you are using protection) is it considered a rare enough risk that it would be weird to try to discuss it in the abstract?
 
Those three points cover my basics. I don't consider pregnancy a rare risk, even when birth control is being used. I would discuss it.

I hope it goes well. I've had some really bad experiences having this conversation. Some of these are deal breakers for me and I try to be nice about ending it but I've had people get angry and decide I'm judging them. They can do whatever they want with their bodies but so can I and I'm not going to take risks I'm not comfortable with.

I damn near cried when I had this conversation with my current boyfriend and found out we were on the same page on everything. It was a relief.
 
I find Reid Mihalko's 'elevator speech' format for safer sex discussion to be a fine starting place. http://reidaboutsex.com/safersexelevatorspeech/ The format will accommodate the questions you've noted above. (I find his site is also generally really helpful, if a little cluttered.)

Personally, if you are going to have sex where a pregnancy is possible, then talking about what options are on the table in case of an unplanned pregnancy are absolutely appropriate. I would want to know for sure. There is very little I consider TMI for contemplating having sex with someone. I probably wouldn't roll out most of my kinks right away - assuming more vanilla sex was being discussed. But I would get around to that eventually.

But I think you are on the right track. I've found this conversation(s) is always awkward, like no matter what, no matter how well you know someone or how long you've known them. It's just awkward. I've learned to accept that and keep going.

(Oh a gentle nudge, bi/pan and trans folk often need to discuss pregnancy and pregnancy prevention too.)
 
I would ask if hsv is included in their routine screenings. I've always tested negative for it, never had a cold sore, and might want to birth more children - potentially as a surrogate. I prefer to minimize my potential exposure so only engage with partners who know their status/risk level.

When I'm done with babies, I'll probably stop worrying about it.
 
opalescent said:
I find Reid Mihalko's 'elevator speech' format for safer sex discussion to be a fine starting place.....

(Oh a gentle nudge, bi/pan and trans folk often need to discuss pregnancy and pregnancy prevention too.)
Click to expand...

Thank you for the link — and yes, good point about a broader range of folks needing to worry about pregnancy prevention! It’s obviously something I think about with any partner who has the biological capacity to get me pregnant, not just cis hetero guys, but my wording in the original post was definitely limiting.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

It seems to me that it is better to talk about too much, rather than maybe too little, when it comes to safer sex conversations. In other words, I wouldn't worry a lot about going into TMI territory. Whatever is of concern to you, that is something to talk about.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Pregnancy prevention tops my list. Birth control is my first question. Their barrier policy is my second question. Third question is about testing.
 
It’s a little outside the typical for these conversations, but I like to add a social/emotional piece. What does having sex mean to you? How do you see this affecting our relationship (if it does)? Is there anything you want or need as aftercare for this type of experience?

Best wishes for a productive and enlightening conversation!
 
sunray said:
It’s a little outside the typical for these conversations, but I like to add a social/emotional piece. What does having sex mean to you? How do you see this affecting our relationship (if it does)? Is there anything you want or need as aftercare for this type of experience?
Click to expand...

I think these conversations are essential when discussing sexual health with a partner. I class social, mental and emotional health to be just as much my concern as physical health.


One component I find is needed for these kind of conversations to go well is to go into them well informed and as risk-aware as you can be. You need to have a clear picture of what your own boundaries and risk assessments are in order to discuss and negotiate them with a partner. You can do that by getting as informed as you can about risk awareness and sexual health.
 
I have found it necessary to be very specific when discussing safe sex with men as many, after agreeing to "safe sex" and condom use, assume any oral sex without a condom is risk free.
The other thing is to make sure your fluid-bonded partner (if you go down that route) is on the same page regarding safe sex with others. Eg. he agrees to use condoms with other women, but then thinks he doesn't have to use a condom with any woman who says she is disease free - no further questions asked.
 
IME, it's not a gender thing. Plenty of women I've met who quack endlessly about "STD free" sex have had no problem with giving/receiving barrier-free oral. :rolleyes:

But, once again, it looks like we're conflating "no pregnancy risk" sex with "no STD risk" sex. Separate topics.
 
Ravenscroft said:
IME, it's not a gender thing. Plenty of women I've met who quack endlessly about "STD free" sex have had no problem with giving/receiving barrier-free oral. :rolleyes:

But, once again, it looks like we're conflating "no pregnancy risk" sex with "no STD risk" sex. Separate topics.
Click to expand...

True - women do have barrier free oral (which just makes it harder for me to get men to accept fellatio with condom) - but I was really just talking about my own experiences which has been with men a lot more than women.

I believe the topic is primary STD risk as given by topic heading - although I would view an unwanted pregnancy as a sexually transmitted disease (tongue in cheek, no offence intended - but no disease has made me sick for anywhere near as long as pregnancy has, nor been nearly as painful!)
 
I always talk about these things before jumping in bed with someone. It's almost always kind've awkward to bring up, but once you get the ball rolling, you can just power through it.

I've had a vasectomy, so pregnancy is no longer an issue for me to worry about. Now I just have to worry about STI/STD's. On my end, I get tested every so often (After partners, etc) and I'm clean. So for me, I have a more relaxed approach and I just want to make sure they're clean.

If they've been tested and their partners (if applicable) are also clean, then I'm not worried about barriers. However, if they're more comfortable using barriers, then that's fine too.

Ultimately I want to remove them, but I don't want to be incredibly reckless either.

Just have some common sense and it'll probably be fine, that's my mentality.
 
I think everything you're asking there is very sensible. I think it's important to be clear about pregnancy stuff/birth control from the get go as well as STI/STDs and testing expectations.

The only other thing I talk about with partners early on is hashing out what we'd each like to be told about as far as sex with other partners, when they'd like to be told if sex with a new person is had, if they'd like to be told at all, etc. And what I am comfortable sharing with them as far as that goes.
 
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