Confessing a Past Affair

[IndieSolo]

. . . the "spousal priest" will probably suffer deeply as a result of hearing the hard truth.

Or they could also experience a sense of relief to finally know what the hell is going on, especially if they had a niggling feeling that something was off. Once a thing is identified, we can manage it, deal with it, seek to remedy it, but when there is an unknown something that has us wary, worried, or uneasy, we are thrown off-balance and don't know what to do. We start thinking something's wrong with us and our perceptions if we don't know the truth of a situation when our intuition tell us something is wrong.

Your post also reminded me of the song in this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1ysoohV_zA

Human
by The Human League

[Phillip Oakey sings]:
Come on, baby, dry your eyes,
Wipe your tears.
Never like to see you cry.

[whispers]: Won't you please forgive me?

I wouldn't ever try to hurt you.
I just needed someone to hold me,
To fill the void while you were gone,
To fill this space of emptiness.

I'm only human,
Of flesh and blood I'm made.

Human - born to make mistakes.

So many nights I longed to hold you.
So many times I looked and saw your face.
Nothing could change the way I feel.
No-one else could ever take your place.

I'm only human,
Of flesh and blood I'm made.

Human - born to make mistakes.

I am just a man.
Human... human...

Please forgive me.

[Joanne Catherall sings]:
The tears I cry aren't tears of pain.
They're only to hide my guilt and shame.
I forgive you. Now I ask the same of you.
While we were apart I was human, too.​

There's more, but it's a reprise of the chorus. I always thought it very clever lyrics, as he keeps saying, "I'm human, I'm only human," as a defense, but it's just a way to avoid responsibility and say he couldn't help himself. The clever part is she says, "Yup, I get it. I was human, too." So there! The tables are turned and she uses the same defense. Now, if he expects her to forgive him, he's got to forgive her. They're at a crossroad, where the relationship can either heal and grow closer, or fall apart.

Anyway, my point is you never know. There is the possibility that the "wronged" partner may benefit from the cheater's confession so that they now can confess to something or get on the same page with some kind of truth-telling of their own.

 

[kdt26417]

Since we recently passed 80 posts (woo-hoo! ), here's the updated totals:

Dilemma #1:

• Confess: 12 votes ... bella123456, Confused, FullofLove1052, GalaGirl, Icewraithonyx, InfinitePossibility, InsaneMystic, Kernow, LovingRadiance, Marcus, mmkeekah, Phy
• It depends: 2 votes ... bookbug, SchrodingersCat
• Don't confess: 9 votes ... copperhead, graviton, Inyourendo, JaneQSmythe, kdt26417, london, nichtdaisy, SNeacail, willowstar

Dilemma #2:

• Confess: 14 votes ... bella123456, Confused, copperhead, FullofLove1052, GalaGirl, Icewraithonyx, InfinitePossibility, InsaneMystic, Kernow, LovingRadiance, Marcus, mmkeekah, Phy, willowstar
• It depends: 3 votes ... bookbug, SchrodingersCat, SNeacail
• Don't confess: 6 votes ... graviton, Inyourendo, JaneQSmythe, kdt26417, london, nichtdaisy

@ nycindie ... might you be voting "Confess" on both Dilemmas? If so then the totals are 13 and 15 there.

Re:

"There is the possibility that the 'wronged' partner may benefit from the cheater's confession so that they now can confess to something or get on the same page with some kind of truth-telling of their own."

Indeed, there is.

 

[kdt26417]

F.Y.I. ... I got one more pair of votes, from +Relationshapes+ ... so here's the new totals:

Dilemma #1:

• Confess: 12 votes ... bella123456, Confused, FullofLove1052, GalaGirl, Icewraithonyx, InfinitePossibility, InsaneMystic, Kernow, LovingRadiance, Marcus, mmkeekah, Phy
• It depends: 2 votes ... bookbug, SchrodingersCat
• Don't confess: 10 votes ... copperhead, graviton, i.am.tafl, Inyourendo, JaneQSmythe, kdt26417, london, nichtdaisy, SNeacail, willowstar

Dilemma #2:

• Confess: 14 votes ... bella123456, Confused, copperhead, FullofLove1052, GalaGirl, Icewraithonyx, InfinitePossibility, InsaneMystic, Kernow, LovingRadiance, Marcus, mmkeekah, Phy, willowstar
• It depends: 3 votes ... bookbug, SchrodingersCat, SNeacail
• Don't confess: 7 votes ... graviton, i.am.tafl, Inyourendo, JaneQSmythe, kdt26417, london, nichtdaisy

Interestingly, the new votes were given with the concept of "consenting" to each other's foibles (such as the capacity to cheat) as part of marrying (or similarly long-term committing) in the first place. To the extent that this concept is valid, it can certainly be a game changer.

 

[copperhead]

I had to look this one up in a dictionary…
a foible: minor weakness or eccentricity in someone's character.

I really don't consider "the capacity to cheat" a minor weakness or eccentricity. I see being cheated (or betrayed) as a risk one takes when committing to a relationship, not as something you expect to happen and accept before it has happened.

 

[kdt26417]

For the record, Wiktionary has three definitions and what I wanted to convey was the third: "a weakness or failing of character." The capacity to cheat definitely isn't a *minor* weakness (or eccentricity). Although Wiktionary's first definiton is: "a quirk, idiosyncrasy, or mannerism; unusual habit or way, that is slightly strange or silly," and I guess I meant that as well. To simplify, it has been suggested (by i.am.tafl) that some long-term commitments may constitute acceptance (ahead of time) of both: a long-term partner's major failings, and his/her minor oddities as well. I'm not yet ready to formally agree to that notion, but it certainly has interesting implications if anyone sees it as valid.

And yes, I would say this beforehand-acceptance is the acceptance of the conceivable risk that one's partner may cheat in a moment of major weakness, but not the acceptance of the certainty that one's partner *will* cheat.