Confronting Jealousy for the first time...

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Pandora79

New member
I have been in polyamorous relationships for many years, though only recently came to use that terminology.

About 3 years ago, I started a relationship with someone who broke all my rules. Challenged me, pushed me and we have grown together as one of the strongest relationships I have ever seen in real life. The strength came from our mutual respect for each others need to be free and embrace all of the pieces of each other that no one else had. Good, bad and ugly. He had always been poly but never able to be free to embrace that.

After a very tumultuous situation with another lover of his, we fell into a place where it was just the two of us for a few months. He recently started seeing someone new and I am having a harder time than I ever would have imagined. I am physically sick with jealousy and starting to question whether all of my talk about being poly and value of non-attachment was BS. It hurts me to think of how hard we worked to get us both to a place where we felt comfortable living our truths only to feel so jealous, and at the same time hurts me to think of him with this other person.

The reality is he is not spending alot of time with her, might even be a short-lived fling but I have created so many stories in my mind about how things will play out and I fear that my insecurity will push the love of my life away. It is also worth noting, that I have not seen or even attempted to see any one else since I started dating this person.

Has any one else dealt with this? How have you moved past it? Does this mean I am no longer poly? Am I not able to be poly with him in specific? Any advice/support would be greatly appreciated.
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

Does this mean I am no longer poly? Am I not able to be poly with him in specific? Any advice/support would be greatly appreciated.
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Well, given the info from your post? FWIW, here's what pops up to me.

  • I started a relationship with someone who broke all my rules...
  • After a very tumultuous situation with another lover of his, we fell into a place where it was just the two of us for a few months...
  • He recently started seeing someone new...
  • I am physically sick with jealousy...
  • It hurts me to think of how hard we worked to get us both to a place where we comfortable...
  • I have created so many stories in my mind about how things will play out..

To me? It makes me wonder if you had a lot of rough up and down that only settled down when it was just the two of you. Not so much "working together to get comfortable" but just "BECAME comfortable because all other stimulus was removed, so it could calm down."

You found you enjoyed calm and no drama for a while and it felt good.

Now he wants to date this new person, but any time there's been more people in the network -- here comes the up and down again and tumult. So you are not excited about new people in the network because past experience yielded up and down drama.


If a person breaks all my rules/boundaries/whatever you want to call thems? That's not respectful to me. It's hard for me to trust them so it ISN'T so up and down when more people enter the network.

I could be wrong. But I wonder if it's that you are poly, but just can't be with this specific person in a poly thing because their way of "doing poly" is too much up and down for you? :confused:

He had always been poly but never able to be free to embrace that.
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What does that mean? :confused: Could you please be willing to clarify?

If that means his way of doing poly is like a bull in a china shop? I cannot see that many people would want to be in his network getting dinged all the time.

Galagirl
 
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Let me clarify that broke my rules was a good thing -
I had always walled myself off from people to keep myself from getting hurt and in this case I finally found someone I trusted enough to really let in in a way I had never allowed anyone else to.

As far as his being Poly - he always felt that he wanted to connect with people outside his relationships but was restricted by the expectation of monogamy. He had never met anyone before me who embraced a polyamorous lifestyle, and although all of the values of personal freedom while staying simultaneously connected and committed to each other were things he believed in, he had never had an opportunity to explore that until he was with me. His approach may be clunky "bull in a china shop" sometimes, and he s willing to admit it. He asses what he did wrong and makes changes to make sure it doesn't happen again. In many ways, we are both relatively new to this, since neither of us has explored being with other people while having a strong primary bond with anyone.

I do agree with the idea that I felt like I was getting a chance to breathe after the drama of the last situation - we both do not want to go back there at all. We refuse to repeat that. If anything becomes drama he will end it with the new person, but that does not extend to being challenging. We are both committed to helping and supporting each other to grow. Neither of us feel that in and of itself is drama, but still may be difficult.

I hope that helps - Thank you! Iappreciate your insight here.
 
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Well, maybe you guys need some kind of system for dealing with challenges and defining when they become too much? Maybe work on what "continuing consent" might look like to you.

Some things you have to process, but neither does EVERYTHING have to be some big long conversation and process. Sometimes just a quick check in is good enough.

How about traffic colors?

  • Green = good to go
  • Yellow = ok but go slow, proceed with caution
  • Red = stop to check in. Maybe stop, maybe keep going after a check in.
  • Black = Full stop. No questions. Mayday! Abort mission!

You could go here and get some of the lists. Maybe add some of your own things.
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Sort them out into what is "green light stuff" and what is "yellow stuff" and what is red or black stuff. List your total deal breakers.

Over time, some of the previous yellow may become green. But just to start out... define the initial boundaries. Certainly ask what the other people may have for their boundaries. Obtain all parties consent and be honest and above board.

Accept that there will be growing pains and part of growth is a willingness to be "comfortably uncomfortable." But one doesn't have to go all the way out to "having a mental breakdown uncomfortable" to grow! Make sense?

Could view it as a series of "openings" that stretch out a bit more each time. Rather than just "WIDE OPEN NOW! Anything goes!"

Could that help?

Galagirl
 
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Thank you..that does make sense. I think the issue is that now he has already begun this relationship with the other person so the go slow stuff is moot.
I would never ask him to leave someone else, but I will be honest about how it makes me feel. We have agreed to set times to discuss these things and work through the discomfort.

He and I both are confident eventually I will work through and realize that my fears are unfounded and nothing between us has changed. For the time being, I guess I am trying to figure out 1-how to stop myself from hurting 2- how to stop beating myself up for being hypocritical (preaching so long to others about why jealousy is irrational ear and then succumbing to it myself).

I will check out the link you sent.

Thank you
 
I think the issue is that now he has already begun this relationship with the other person so the go slow stuff is moot.
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I don't think the "go slow" is moot.

Sometimes people in NRE gush all their crush stuff and maybe you don't want to be hearing it full blast. Maybe over time you can hear more, but right now you cannot. You could define what is "news" you want to hear right away, and what is stuff you prefer be slower or share with other people and not you right now.

Maybe you don't want to have the new partner sleepover at your house. Or all be living together. Or having children. Or commitment ceremonies. Or joint bank accounts. That could be way off down the line.

In case these help some with jealousy management:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell


GL!
Galagirl
 
Haha ok that helps clarify...

All of those things are off the table and we both agree. He and I do not live together and and we have discussed that at least for now she can not go to his place, and he feels the same way about it.

He does not talk about her and their relationship unless I ask. He feels that me knowing too much detail isn't necessary and I should be focused on what it is I need from him for me and him to continue to remain as solid as ever. I definitely agree with that, but its hard to not to let my anxiety take over with all the what ifs.

What I understand is that right now, things are very causal. She knows that I know about her, is not interested in coming between us at all, and seems to also only want something casual. He has actually thought about ending it with her, since its so new and the connection not very strong, but also feels that if he did it could hinder my growth around these issues which I will confront with the next person. As hard as it is to hear, I can't disagree. Our path is one that is very steeped in a spiritual growth pattern that understands pain is inevitable, but suffering is option. In every text book way, this could be the best possible scenario to be heading into and yet I find my imagination getting the best of me.

The other link you sent had some good worksheets that were difficult to confront, but I appreciate them. That is what I need right now. I will look at these new links.

Thank you again. I really felt I needed to connect to a poly community through all of this since I have no one where I live, so far, you have really confirmed that to be true.

Thank you!
 
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Thanks - I have had mixed feeling about that site. Some of the advice is much too simplistic and explained with way too much metaphor.

Its like loooooong metaphor so you get the concept but then short on practical advice, other than, I really love it when my partner is with someone else so you should be more like me! lol

Thank you again!
 
Hi Pandora79,

It seems that you basically know what you want to do, you want to push through the challenging feelings, and get used to poly. You definitely don't want to break up with the guy you're with. Therefore I won't suggest it.

I do have a few links you can go to to help you with the jealousy.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I hope some of that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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