Confused and a little sad.....

B

Blopez5293

New member
And I'm not exactly sure why.

A little back story first:

My husband and I met in early 2004. I was at the tail-end of my first marriage. The connection I felt with Sith was intense. In June of 04' my first marriage ended and Sith and I began dating. In July I moved back to my hometown 6 hours from my ex and Sith. In late 2004 he moved in with me. We married in Feb 06' and had our first child in March.

From the beginning we maintained an open marriage. I am bisexual and would not be denied women again ( My first husband). It continued this way until late 2007 when I broke the rules of behavior we had set during an encounter with another man. After we slogged through the fall-out we adopted an OPP.

More recently we have seriously discussed poly and the want by both of us for a stable triad. We started out dating as a couple. When that didn't work and research showed us that was a bad idea, we started dating separately. This was a few weeks ago.

Now as to why I am posting now....

With the re-opening of our marriage and the massive opening of communication we have been talking about the 2 years we were apart ( Late 2010 to August 2012). More specifically, about sexual partners during that time. It had been going very well.

Last night Sith told me that in full disclosure he slept with our friend S. I asked him if this was before I placed her on the off-limits list and he said yes. I asked when. He squirmed. Turns out he slept with her before we moved put of her house ( We lives with her for a month while we were in transition between houses). With me asleep upstairs with our kids.

Now the fact that he slept with her doesn't bother me. The timing of it does. This was before I have him permission to date separately from me. But we've always been open. Or at least I have. Maybe that's part of it. Because in the 9 years we've been together he's never strayed. Not while we were actively together. He could have, he chose not to. So she's the first. Mostly, though, it's that I was in the house, in our bed, with our kids. And he chose to hide it for over a month. 5 weeks. Brutal honesty, but didn't tell me until now.

So here I sit feeling a little sad and a lot confused. Not sure how to articulate how I feel so I can know what I need going forward with him. I'm not mad. I feel like he's testing me to see if I am going to freak out. I'm not. I just don't understand the how and why of it.

Anybody been here before? Advice please.

Thanks for slogging thru the wall. :)
 
Last edited:
In this situation, I would remind myself that since this occurred, we have made a fresh start which allows us to date separately, albeit with some restriction with who exactly we can date. If we still had an agreement in place which would forbade my partner from seeking relationships on his own (which was the rule Sith broke being that this particular person wasn't yet off limits) then I would be concerned that he would do it again. That isn't relevant anymore. I'd invest in the fact that we have new rules now.
 
If I'm reading correctly then he basically cheated on you. Just because the rules have changed since then doesn't cancel out what they were at the time. I'd be hurt if I was in your position.

But it also sounds like things were quite out of balance for you guys. One set of rules for you, another for him. You either have an open relationship or you don't. One person being allowed sexual freedom while the other has boundaries and rules is asking for trouble.

At this point you have to decide if its worth making a big deal about. He's told you the truth and you are allowed to be hurt. Is it worth a big drag out fight? What will fighting accomplish? Can you work through it and learn from it based on where you are NOW in your relationship?

I hope you can get it all figured out. It sounds like you have a good thing going at the moment. Hopefully you can communicate instead of fight. All the best to you.
 
The rules were the same for both.

The rules really were the same for both. When we decided to explore poly neither of us had been outside the relationship since we had reunited. Then we agreed to day together. We were still under those rules when he slept with her.

It's not the act of the sex. It's more the lack of respect to the fact that I was in fact in the house and sleeping with our kids. That is what I need to address. But I have no idea where to begin.
 
Blopez5293 said:
It's not the act of the sex. It's more the lack of respect to the fact that I was in fact in the house and sleeping with our kids.
Click to expand...

Can you explain why that particular detail bothers you more than the overall fact that he cheated and withheld information from you? Let's say, theoretically, that he did have permission to be sexual with her - why wouldn't he have been able to do that while you were home, asleep with the kids? That doesn't seem odd to me. How is that disrespectful to you? Should he have woken you up first, or gone out to do it in the car or somewhere else? I am just not understanding why that is the big deal for you. Did you two have some weird rule that all sex must take place as a group with both of you present?
 
Well, you fucked a man in 2007 when you (plural) had an understanding that you'd only fuck women, correct? Then after this a more formal rule was put in place that you could only fuck women? OK, whatever. I hate OPPs.

Then he fucked your friend S, but it wasn't breaking a rule per se. You hadn't put her off limits yet. But he did hide this fact for a month. (I bet they were drunk at the time... Drunkenness is never a good excuse, and it seems to fuck up a lot of so-called poly arrangements.)

And this happened when? And also, you and he broke up from 2010-2012? Why? How did you get back together? How many kids do you have? Where do they fit in?

Poly can only work when there is NO lying or hiding. I guess it can be a hard lesson to learn. Some people are so attached to doing things on the downlow. There's a naughty thrill. But being upfront about who one is and what one needs brings so many more benefits than all the sick thrills of being "naughty" and "getting away with something."

Are you still OK with your OPP? Why not a OVP? He can only fuck other men? Oh. Don't tell me. Hubby is straight. :rolleyes:
 
Totally just inferring here, but seeing as it's all about trying to establish a triad, started dating as a couple, I worry that it's one of those silly ideas that if you go with a triad then everyone gets what they want and there's no jealousy! Which is just, so mistaken it's not even funny.

I really don't understand the idea that because someone is bi they MUST have a relationship with women. Or the OPP idea, which I have seen more often than I care to admit, that somehow, because you have a man you don't need another so now am looking only for a woman! Cause you know, bi, so you need one of each!
 
Something like that

Thank you guys for all your replies. So I haven't quite figured out quotes so let's see if I can't cover this all.

First, I'm not sure why him fucking her in the house with me there bugs me. I know this is something I have to deal with. I think it had more to do with the deception. And I'm sorry but I find my husband cheating on my with my friend with me in the house tone very bad taste.

Second, the OPP came into effect after the incident in 2007. Before then we were completely open. I could and did chose to screw several other men. The OPP hit after I broke the rules of behavior and does not bother me. I am not looking for another man. I want a woman. And yes he is straight so no same sex for him. :p It is what it is.

At one time we did have a woman we both loved. We both actively pursued her and she chose us. But in the end we moved out of state. We both still continue an emotional relationship with her and now that I understand poly I can say she is my LDR girlfriend. We didn't date as a couple for long. We have no intention of telling potentials they can't date outside of us. I care for my kids. Don't need or want a childcare provider. I simply want love. And I think we are fast approaching the point where we come full circle and completely open our marriage again, abolishing the OPP.

We have 4 children we are raising. 3 are his and 1 is from a previous relationship. We separated due to a night of ugly anger which resulted in the cops being called. He didn't physically hurt anyone but it was the wake up call we needed. We then spent most of the following 2 years in counseling, and classes both individual and joint. We worked everyday to make the changes we needed to in order to put our family back together. We have done the work to save our marriage and are on solid ground once more.

In the end I guess I really just see his behavior as a lack of respect. For me and for our family. But I want to work through what's causing my issues now because I love him. And I have not fought this long and hard just to lose him now.
 
and no....

He was not drunk. That's part of why I am having a hard time with why he thought it was a good idea to sleep with her with our four kids and her 3 kids in the house. Especially since our 12 year old was just in the next room. That's what has me buggered. The idea that at any time their behavior could have been discovered by out kids and then how in the hell are we supposed to explain that. Our oldest knows we love more than one. He knows I maintain a close friendship with my gf. But my 7 year old daughter with Aspbergers would not even begin to understand. If we do establish a triad we deal with these things as they come with someone who will (hopefully) be around long term. That is something I am fully prepared to deal with then. But not now with random women who have no chance of becoming long term.

Again, I never claimed that my upset made any damn sense. But if there is one thing I have learned it's that most of the time emotions don't always make sense but they do have a purpose. I am trying to figure out what they are trying to tell me. :)
 
Ha I figured it out.....

nycindie said:
Can you explain why that particular detail bothers you more than the overall fact that he cheated and withheld information from you? Let's say, theoretically, that he did have permission to be sexual with her - why wouldn't he have been able to do that while you were home, asleep with the kids? That doesn't seem odd to me. How is that disrespectful to you? Should he have woken you up first, or gone out to do it in the car or somewhere else? I am just not understanding why that is the big deal for you. Did you two have some weird rule that all sex must take place as a group with both of you present?
Click to expand...

lol I know this is supposed to be somewhat serious but your post made me laugh. To answer your questions....

No we do not have a weird group sex only rule. As a matter of fact our only rules are full disclosure at all times and the OPP. And that neither of us pull more than 3 days a week away from home at this stage in our journey when we are actively dating but not in an outside relationship yet. Our kids are first and foremost and the primary reason I have had a rough time with the random sex in the house with my kids.
 
Oh wow. OK. When you said you were upstairs sleeping with the kids, I imagined like, you and a baby and a toddler co-sleeping while he and your so-called friend S cheated on you downstairs.

Now, if they were in the living room and your 12 year old walked in! Yikes. Or like you said, an Aspie 7 year old wandered down to get a drink or whatever. Not good. How can people be so careless?

You 2 do have a history, all right. Cheating on both sides, "domestic disturbance," 2 years to heal after that.

Also, when you said you had a baby in March, I thought you meant a month after you got married, but do you mean, this year? You've got a newborn and are out dating around, first as a couple and now singly? How on earth do you have the energy or drive or brain power, with 5 kids, one who is 2 months old?

Also, is there a OPP or not? You had sex with a man when you weren't supposed to, then you say you only want a woman anyway, then you say the OPP might be discontinued... Yeah, confusion is a good title for this thread! :eek:
 
To clarify....

No I do not have a newborn baby. The baby in March was right after we got married in 2006. She is now 7 and has Aspbergers.

The OPP hit after I slept with a man in 2007. It was not the fact that I slept with him but the fact that I did something with him that I wasn't allowed. That's when we started the OPP. We should have worked it out but we didn't know how then so we just changes the rules. I know.... Not the best way to handle it.

But you nailed it on the head hun. It was the complete lack of forethought that hit me as just so wrong. That's the part that I need him to fix for future encounters and I don't know how to explain that to him. Hell I'm barely managing to explain it to you guys. Yes confused about covers it. :p
 
I have asked her about the OPP rule quite a few times. If she would like to get rid if it. B would dance around the answer. I don't think, or feel, that it is fare. Today we are going to take our lump of iron and hammer it out in to something beautiful.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top