New to the forum, 1 year in the lifestyle (so I guess you can say newish) I'm in a Vee relationship with my partner and my meta, who is my ex girlfriend and best friend. Previously a triad but my now meta and I split up over the summer due to conflicting mental health problems. But anyways my meta and my partner have been together for 4 years now and share a 2 year old child, I on the other hand have been a part of the relationship for almost a year now. So here's where I need advice, my meta told me last night she regrets opening up their relationship and now I'm second guessing whether I'm going to be around for long. Especially considering back in October she tried making our partner leave me or lose her. I'm trying to get some insight to how she's thinking and whether I should prepare myself and my son to find a different home. And if I even have a right to be hurt by what she said, especially since she's been one of my best friends and our partner and I wouldn't have even dated if it wasn't for her introducing us..
Confused and hurt in a Vee
- Thread starter Novamarie
- Start date
Let me repeat back in my own words so I know I got it how you mean it. Correct me if I get it wrong ok? I have trouble reading with no names so I'll just put generic fruit. If you want something else I'll go with what you pick.
PEOPLE
BACKGROUND
PROBLEM
Is that about it?
You have the right to feel however you feel about things.
If you think it is best to find a new flat for you and son? Go with it. I could be wrong but to me it sounds like you all started living together much too soon. I am not a fan of cohabitation with dating partners who haven't been seeing each other very long. A year is not long at all to me. NRE lasts between 6 mos and 2 years. To move in together during the NRE enthusiasms only to have to move out when NRE fades... that's a drag emotionally and a drag financially.
If that's what happened? It is what it is. You could move out. You could also decide you won't be doing that again. You could decide to wait longer in a dating relationship before living together to make sure it is well past the NRE phase.
To me it sounds like the reality of polyshipping is setting in for Banana. NRE wearing off. Maybe Banana realizes this isn't for her after all. Banana is in charge of her consent to participate in things. So she can always bow out. Like breaking up with you.
But the (you + Apple) dyad is between you two. Banana trying to make Apple dump you? That's not right. It's a tough place for Apple to be in, but who Apple dates is Apple's business. If APPLE wants to break up, or if YOU want to break up, that's who breaks up (You + Apple). Banana's name is nowhere inside (You + Apple.)
This is still unfolding because Banana did not follow through. She didn't leave and she's still around. I don't know where this will finally land.
It appears Banana wants it to go back to (Banana + Apple) and you off on your own.
But that's not how poly works. Sometimes it does end up that way.
Sometimes it ends up
Then lean in and have the honest conversations you need to have with Banana and Apple about where this is all going now and what each one of you wants. Figure out what lines up and what does not.
Galagirl
PEOPLE
- You -- Novamarie. You have a son.
- Partner -- Apple
- Meta and Best Friend -- Banana. (Apple and Banana have a 2 yr old together.)
- The three adults and the two children share a home.
BACKGROUND
- Banana is your best friend.
- Banana and Apple have been together 4 years
- You started dating them last year in a triad model somewhere around Dec 2019. Banana was the one to introduce you to Apple (and maybe the whole triad idea?)
- You started living with them on ___?
- You and Banana broke up somewhere in summer 2020 due to conflicting mental health issues. So it became a V with Apple as the hinge.
- In October 2020, Banana wanted Apple to break up with you or she's leaving Apple.
- Apple did not break up with you
- Banana did not leave Apple. She's still here and resentful.
PROBLEM
- Yesterday Banana told you she regrets opening the relationship.
- You feel hurt by what she said.
- You aren't sure what this means and wonder if you should prepare you and son to find a different home.
Is that about it?
You have the right to feel however you feel about things.
If you think it is best to find a new flat for you and son? Go with it. I could be wrong but to me it sounds like you all started living together much too soon. I am not a fan of cohabitation with dating partners who haven't been seeing each other very long. A year is not long at all to me. NRE lasts between 6 mos and 2 years. To move in together during the NRE enthusiasms only to have to move out when NRE fades... that's a drag emotionally and a drag financially.
If that's what happened? It is what it is. You could move out. You could also decide you won't be doing that again. You could decide to wait longer in a dating relationship before living together to make sure it is well past the NRE phase.
To me it sounds like the reality of polyshipping is setting in for Banana. NRE wearing off. Maybe Banana realizes this isn't for her after all. Banana is in charge of her consent to participate in things. So she can always bow out. Like breaking up with you.
But the (you + Apple) dyad is between you two. Banana trying to make Apple dump you? That's not right. It's a tough place for Apple to be in, but who Apple dates is Apple's business. If APPLE wants to break up, or if YOU want to break up, that's who breaks up (You + Apple). Banana's name is nowhere inside (You + Apple.)
This is still unfolding because Banana did not follow through. She didn't leave and she's still around. I don't know where this will finally land.
It appears Banana wants it to go back to (Banana + Apple) and you off on your own.
But that's not how poly works. Sometimes it does end up that way.
Sometimes it ends up
- (You + Apple) and (Banana + Apple) in separate homes in a very separate V, no kitchen table poly
- (You + Apple) and Banana on her own.
- You, Banana, Apple all single.
Then lean in and have the honest conversations you need to have with Banana and Apple about where this is all going now and what each one of you wants. Figure out what lines up and what does not.
Galagirl
Hello Novamarie,
I am inclined to suggest you sit down with your partner, tell him what your meta has been saying to you, and ask him what the chances are that he would break up with you if meta told him to do so. Then inform him that you think it's too soon for you to be living in the same home with him, and that you will be looking for a separate home for you and your son. Tell him that when you are done moving, you and he can converse further on where the V stands. I hesitate to include meta in these talks because she is kind of trying to lever you out of the composite relationship. She needs to be willing to at least try to make the V work if she is going to be included in discussions about the V. That's my opinion anyway.
I hope the three of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I am inclined to suggest you sit down with your partner, tell him what your meta has been saying to you, and ask him what the chances are that he would break up with you if meta told him to do so. Then inform him that you think it's too soon for you to be living in the same home with him, and that you will be looking for a separate home for you and your son. Tell him that when you are done moving, you and he can converse further on where the V stands. I hesitate to include meta in these talks because she is kind of trying to lever you out of the composite relationship. She needs to be willing to at least try to make the V work if she is going to be included in discussions about the V. That's my opinion anyway.
I hope the three of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.