Confused... love, not just sex

mythicalmagick

mythicalmagick

New member
Hello all,

Well, as I'm sure you all can tell, this is my first time on. I have a bit of a complicated story, and need advice.

I am 23 and married to a wonderful guy, Alex, who happens to be a year younger than me, but also the father of my 2 boys. :) We have been together for 5 years now. After the first baby was born, we started an open relationship, mainly because I was pregnant again, and not very sexual. As he was only 18 at the time, it wasn't exactly the best plan for him to not get any. lol

Now, I'm fine with Alex having the open relationship, but I cant seem to get the mentality of it, as I am of the polyamorous mindset. I have talked to him about this. We have discussed my being poly for over a year, with him still not getting where I'm coming from. Sex is great, don't get me wrong, but I need more than that. I need the connection, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

So, I finally met someone who knows about our open relationship. Dylan is wonderful, amazing, and I am falling in love with him. And it just so happens that I have finally made Alex see where I am coming from. He says that its ok for me to be with Dylan.

Dylan is ok with our open relationship, and tells me that he wants more than just the physical (no, we have not been together physically yet), but I have not told him about my being polyamorous. I am afraid to, as I don't know how he will take it. Since he would be my first secondary relationship (I hate that terminology) I dont really know how to bring the topic up. And I have not used the open relationship in any way, so I really don't know how Alex will take me being with another guy in an emotional way, as well as physical.

Thanks for reading this far; I know it's a lot to take in. Any advice would be a great help.

Rhonda
 
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Welcome to the board. I'm rather new here, but I'm sure some of the more experienced members will have some great advice for you. I personally would just sit down with him and talk. He already seems open to "sharing" you, so you're already a step in the right direction. Good luck!
 
Thanks, hun. I really hope you're right. I am planning on talking to him. I just need a bit more time. Alex just decided 2 nights ago that it would be ok, so I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he listened to me. lol
 
It's always scary to reveal yourself and and hope your spouse or new love can understand. You must move forward though, if you truly want to give this poly life a go. Talk, talk and talk with both Dylan and Alex. You might be surprised at the lengths people will go to for a strong loving relationship, even if it is a little unconventional!
 
Ok, so I talked to Dylan, and... he freaked out. There is just no easier way to explain it. He was ok with it being just physical, though we hadn't done anything. We have been hanging out as friends for months, with him telling me he wanted more, but as soon as I told him about my relationship with Alex, he flipped. I mean, its not like our relationship is going to change, it just means that it's out in the open, if anything ever did change. But, if he could act like that over information, then he isn't the man I thought he was, and it would be better to find that out now, rather than later, right?

Now, to all the good men on here, I want to let you know, this comment is not meant for you. This is to the men that are not on here, who think it's ok to play with women's hearts.

You suck. You need to be taught how to behave and talk to a lady. I don't care what you think of me, but don't ever call me a witch and a bitch just because you don't like what I have to say.

Ok, now that my ranting is done, I'm off for some ice cream and a chick flick with some gfs. Thanks everyone. Have a great night.
 
I'm sorry he took the information so poorly and reacted as he did. You deserve so much better than that.
 
*Hugs* It's okay.

Well no, it's not. Let's be honest. It just teaches me :eek: that some people are okay with cheating, but can't see anything else besides that as a possibility. As well as how self-righteous :mad: people can be. Though you know, I find cheating has no purpose but to hurt the person you are with, and loving someone doesn't hurt, it helps.

I knew there would be problems along the way finding my forever love. Okay, my second forever love. lol I just didn't know that men could get that upset over nothing.

It's okay. I still have my love with Alex, and I do not have to close my heart to other chances. Thank you for your help and support.
 
Mythical, I'm so sorry one guy had to ruin it for the rest of us. It is better you found out now though, before you invested any more time and emotion with him. Just so you know, it's usually guys who are childish, insecure and closed-minded who react the way he did. He probably wasn't prepared for so much honesty and openness. His loss. Still, it's so surprising that people so readily accept cheating and lying over truthful open relationships. How did mankind (and womankind) ever get so screwed up?
 
Thanks, hun. I know not to take it out on anyone but him (not that I would take it out on anyone). Every life experience teaches, and I'm taking this as a hard lesson learned.

You are absolutely right, it's his loss. lol I have a lot of love to give, and if they can't accept the terms of it (a relationship, and not just sex), well, I don't know what they are looking for, but it's not me. I do hope that people in this world will one day realize what they are closing themselves off from, and how and why they behave the way they do. I will never in a million years understand.

But, in a fair light, I can't say that I blame him. I was monogamous for 3 years while hubby was having his sex partners and I was happy.

We had friends that were open, but they weren't poly. It was just sex to them. I'm not made that way.

They told me about polyamory. I did some research, and it boggled my mind to know that I was not the only one to feel the way that I do. When I brought it up with Alex, he flipped as well, did the whole, "Why am I not good enough?" and I couldn't help but laugh. It's ok for him to sleep with my best friend, but not for me to have an honest and true relationship. Hmm...

The way we are raised in our society is that cheating is acceptable. Well, it's not. But, in their minds, we are the ones that are wrong. What a crock.

Anyway, I got off topic, sorry. Thank you both. Have a wonderful and glorious day. The sun is shining here, and it is a very good day.
 
I believe you are right in your thinking. Most are ok with cheating, but not with the emotional attachments those of us that are poly have with our partners. It is my belief that most people will feel that if we get attached to someone that it lessens what we feel for them. I say this because at first I felt the same way, but didn't understand why. Now I know it was because I was afraid my partner Devin would find someone he could love more than me. But after some serious discussions and his reassurances, I know it was my own insecurities that caused this. I know he loves me now, and always has. I have since learned all he does he does for me, and my happiness, and have been more able to go into whatever comes our way with an open mind and heart. For what it's worth, I hope this helps some. :)
 
I'm sorry the first thing I read about you was about such a disappointing story. I think the mindset that it's ok to cheat, but not to love, is screwed up too. If it helps any, not all men are built the same. My husband wants me to find love and happiness with someone else, and is against the idea of "just sex." But then, I'm interested in other women, not men, so one never knows.

Hang in there. Keep talking to Alex, just in case another opportunity to find that other forever love ever presents itself.
 
Thank you, everyone. I know not all men are the same, and I thank the Goddess every day for that. Now, having said that, I have another question. Is it normal for men to be hypocritical? (Not all, but ones with a wife who wants a poly relationship?)
 
Sweetheart, it's normal for HUMAN BEINGS to be hypocritical.
 
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