Confused, Sad, and Trying to figure things out

[confusedbutterfly]

Hi!

I'm currently having issues. Tonight my bf, who is married (all is well that way - we've lived on the same property - two houses - for 3 years), told me that he's wanting to see other people for sex or even another relationship.

I am more than fine with his wife. She has a bf, and is also seeing others for sex. Bf actually doesn't know that part because she's afraid of hurting him. But the thought of my bf seeking out others outside of me and his wife, really hurts. I'm having a lot of trouble with it, and have thought of breaking it off with him. I really don't want to go that route tho - I've known him for 15 years, and love him very much.

Currently he's "on hold" from going outside of me and his wife, because he doesn't want to hurt me. He's "on hold" until I say "ok" or he finds a way to do it anyway. Which is really hard considering we almost live together. And I know he'd much rather have me say "ok".

I'm very glad that he's been honest with me, and let me know how he feels.

I'm scared of being left behind. Even though we love each other very much, and he has promised me "forever" with a ring, I'm still very unsure.

After much crying by myself after he went back to his house, and some very insecure moments, I messaged him and asked if we could work on our relationship more first before possibly saying "ok", and work on myself as well. I know him pretty darn well, and so I think he'll go along with that.

I can handle and even like his wife. She's polite, very helpful, and makes some really delicious dinners. I really have no problem seeing them hug and touch each other. I think its because I know them, and how he feels about her.

I'd prefer that my bf hook up with someone we knew from the past as well, but he prefers someone new (excitement and all). When I think of that, I feel jealousy and sadness. I wonder if its possible, with therapy (I already have a wonderful therapist) and patience on the part of my bf, to get over this fear and sadness, and let my bf have what he wants/needs. I don't want there to be any resentment between the two of us. When I'm in trouble or need a hug or need to talk, my bf is always there. I don't/can't have that change. I guess its about keeping the lines of communication open. Any thoughts out there? I really don't want to lose my bf (who really by all intents and purposes is more my husband than bf, which has been accepted by bf, as he says it, and wife, as she has heard him say it). He's been in my heart and life (except for approx 2-3 years) since I was 17.

I want to be open and accepting, and not sad and fearful.

 

[redpepper]

Tonight my bf, who is married (all is well that way - we've lived on the same property - two houses - for 3 years), told me that he's wanting to see other people for sex or even another relationship.

I am more than fine with his wife. She has a bf, and is also seeing others for sex. Bf actually doesn't know that part because she's afraid of hurting him.

He's "on hold" until I say "ok" or he finds a way to do it anyway. Which is really hard considering we almost live together. And I know he'd much rather have me say "ok".

Okay, so they both want and have sex outside of their marriage and their other kosher relationships without telling each other already? Why the sudden confession then? What is the purpose of her cheating on him. They are poly already, why not fess up. If you know he is cheating on you, then how is his asking for another to have sex with going to change that for you?

Sorry, maybe I'm a bit confused. At least he is being honest with you so far,.... maybe?

asked if we could work on our relationship more first before possibly saying "ok", and work on myself as well.

I'd prefer that my bf hook up with someone we knew from the past as well, but he prefers someone new (excitement and all). When I think of that, I feel jealousy and sadness. I wonder if its possible, with therapy (I already have a wonderful therapist) and patience on the part of my bf, to get over this fear and sadness, and let my bf have what he wants/needs. I don't want there to be any resentment between the two of us.....

....I guess its about keeping the lines of communication open.

It sounds like he is willing to work with you to make your relationship better. It sounds like he needs to do that with his wife more than ever! Perhaps he knows she is cheating and wants the same?

Yes, communication, taking the time to understand one another and working on making your relationship better are key I think. It just seems to work better when the foundation of poly, or any relationship, is solid and firmly in place. I would suggest that this is actually more to do with his wife than you... perhaps you should ask him more about that.

 

[confusedbutterfly]

There isn't any cheating......wife knows about husband/my bf wanting to go outside their marriage and our (me and bf) relationship. Bf/husband knows about wife's sex with others.

Bf and husband are the same person. Except for bf#2 which is wife's steady bf.

I'm sorry for the confusion. Basically there's 4 people involved and the only person who doesn't know is bf#2 (wife's steady bf). And really, there's no way to tell him - he would react worse than I have.

It is weird for me - I have no problem with his wife, but problems with his wanting and pursuing others (once the "on hold" goes away).

Thank you for responding, and for the encouragement in terms of working on things before adding others to the mix.

 

[redpepper]

Okay, I think I got it. Its late here and poly relationships are confusing at the best of times

Its intersting because your situation is similar to any couple going through the same thing. The only difference is that he has a wife already. Maybe doing some reading around here will help. There are others in a similar situation.

I would wonder about his thoughts on if he were to fall for this "sex" partner? He might be the type that has a hard time separating the two. What would happen then? What if she falls for him?

I have two male partners and a girlfriend. Its a lot of work having three to address everything with, consult with, consider... Etc. I would recommend sticking with two personally and working on those being the best ever. My poor Derby girl gets left out quite often, especially lately.

I was wondering if perhaps you could take ahold of your life a bit more. Go and do some new things, make some new friends, do some self help stuff to boost the vigor in your life and also so you have something of your own to be excited about. Perhaps it will envigor his interest and will make you more confident in his love for you. My husband (Polynerdist) did this when I got together with Mono. He used his time to better himself and that use of time did change him for the better! He was glad he used that time wisely.

 

[nuts]

it sounds like your main worry is being left out. If he finds another lover, unless he brings her to live with you, then there will be less time for him to spend with you. There and again, if he got a new hobby that you weren't interested in then it would have the same result.
You need to find out if he just wants to go shagging around a bit or if he wants to open up a new relationship with someone.
You said you wouldn't mind so much if it was with someone you knew so why not tell him that it's fine but you have to go along with him to meet the prospective girls and ok them. After all, they would have to know that he's in a poly relationship already so there'd be no harm in them meeting you and if you don't like them then he has to find another.

 

[candi]

I am in a pretty happy quad, with another couple, who lives just two houses away, so I know what you mean, when you say, you might as well be living with him. Everything is very happy, but lately, I have noticed my antsy husband getting bored with the situation. Although he really loves and adores his gf, he has A.D.D., and most anything bores him after awhile...whether it be a movie, or an event, or evidentally a gf. Some people who are Poly, enjoy having numerous partners/loves...maybe it's simply that.
The excitement of a new relationship, becomes like a drug for some of us. He may be seeing how much more of an exciting life his wife is living, and would like a little of that himself. I would imagine, if my husband could handle it, he would love to take on another gf or two...he just adores women, period.
Loving more than one, is the Poly lifestyle, so his wants/needs are probably pretty normal, he just is already aware how much it may hurt you, if he expands his horizen's... I'll admit myself, that as much as I also adore/love my bf, the thought of exploring more excitement in this lifestyle, really turns me on. It's not something i'm currently pursuing, but those thoughts cross my mind.
I just call it being Poly..... Candi

 

[redpepper]

Finding women and then giving veto power over whether or not a partner can date them is something I haven't seen work. I personally don't think that people can be sorted that way. I have friends that would sort that way ("yay, I'm gunna get laid!") or at least did before getting partners and it meants they had to actually start being descriminatory. There is just too many women that are so darn interesting for their brains as much as their heads! in swinging that might work as its about fucking, not appreciating who a person is, just how fuck worthy they are.

Nope, I'm thinking that for me, deciding who my partner is with would end in disaster. How do I have the right to who he is attracted to? Who am I to say a one woman takes president over another. Maybe he sees more in her than I do.

Meeting them and talking about his attraction might be an idea. Getting involved with his process so to speak.

 

[confusedbutterfly]

I would wonder about his thoughts on if he were to fall for this "sex" partner? He might be the type that has a hard time separating the two. What would happen then? What if she falls for him?

It would probably end up being a relationship. My bf has only had one or two one-nighters. Everything else has been serious relationhips. That's just how he seems to operate. And while that's been great for me and his wife, I have worries about what it means now for me if he brings someone else in.

I have two male partners and a girlfriend. Its a lot of work having three to address everything with, consult with, consider... Etc. I would recommend sticking with two personally and working on those being the best ever. My poor Derby girl gets left out quite often, especially lately.

And that's what I thought it would be....just me and his wife, and noone else. I'm free to do what I would like, and so is she. But I was under the impression that it was wife, her husband/my bf (same person), me, and wife's bf. Then wife branched out. I had an opportunity a few months back, but it didn't work out. I have the opportunity again or with anyone else, but I don't need the choice. Apparently, my bf and his wife do. And I'm sure you're not intentionally leaving Derby out; just as I'm pretty sure bf wouldn't leave me out intentionally. But the doubts creep in.

I was wondering if perhaps you could take ahold of your life a bit more. Go and do some new things, make some new friends, do some self help stuff to boost the vigor in your life and also so you have something of your own to be excited about. Perhaps it will envigor his interest and will make you more confident in his love for you. My husband (Polynerdist) did this when I got together with Mono. He used his time to better himself and that use of time did change him for the better! He was glad he used that time wisely.

I can try to work on that. I live in the boonies, and also am on disability for fibromyalgia and nasty migraines. So its a little hard to form relationships and go out to do things. I am active on a knitting board and a mod there, which I do enjoy. I love watching movies, playing with my doggies, walking when I'm up to it, and knitting is my passion right now.

it sounds like your main worry is being left out. If he finds another lover, unless he brings her to live with you, then there will be less time for him to spend with you. There and again, if he got a new hobby that you weren't interested in then it would have the same result.

That has crossed my mind more than once. And he won't be bringing her to live out here with either me or his wife. Too many more complications......at least in the next year or two he won't. I never say never now. lol I wouldn't be as upset (if at all) with a new hobby as I am with this. I think of the kids as well. But as he explained it, everyone gets sick of one another if they're around all the time (kids, wife, bf, even me sometimes cause he gets crabby), so he sees that as a benefit (having someone else to hang out with somewhere else). He's very busy with his job and school too....so I already miss him when he gets superbusy; add someone else to the mix? I will think, "Well, why not me?" But as I've been told, its not about me, in that sense. *sigh* I love him and want him to be happy, but I want to be happy at the same time.

Everything is very happy, but lately, I have noticed my antsy husband getting bored with the situation. Although he really loves and adores his gf, he has A.D.D., and most anything bores him after awhile...whether it be a movie, or an event, or evidentally a gf. Some people who are Poly, enjoy having numerous partners/loves...maybe it's simply that.The excitement of a new relationship, becomes like a drug for some of us. He may be seeing how much more of an exciting life his wife is living, and would like a little of that himself. I would imagine, if my husband could handle it, he would love to take on another gf or two...he just adores women, period.

This is my bf exactly. He gets bored very easily; always moving forward. He doesn't know what "slow down" means. I think that is a big part of it - having more than one love. He forms relationships with women way more easily than men. Most of them are with women who he wouldn't mind being with on a romantic/having sex with basis.

I'll admit myself, that as much as I also adore/love my bf, the thought of exploring more excitement in this lifestyle, really turns me on. It's not something i'm currently pursuing, but those thoughts cross my mind.
I just call it being Poly..... Candi

LOL I hear you.........I've thought about it myself, and I have an opportunity if I want it. And I was turned on about it for a time. However, I do get scared myself - I'm afraid of complicating things for myself. I could call the person, but I don't want to do it because my bf is thinking of having another relationship. That's not the right reasoning, even though I do like the person. I've always had the option of adding someone else, but just haven't done it. I don't really need the option, but my bf does. I'm not turned on by his at all. But I'm ok with the wife. *sigh*

[Nope, I'm thinking that for me, deciding who my partner is with would end in disaster. How do I have the right to who he is attracted to? Who am I to say a one woman takes president over another. Maybe he sees more in her than I do.

I think it would end in disaster for me too. Especially right now - lol - noone would be right. Laugh please - it was a funny I need some humor right now. Too much crying. Anyway.....I couldn't agree with you more.

Bf and I have discussed that before - us being ok with the other's choice of the additional person. But I wouldn't want to squelch him. I have a tendency to do that, even though I don't mean to. I do trust his judgement. But I think if I totally can't stand her and she tries to manipulate the situation, he's told me that his wife and I are primary. I know, that's two people. But he has *always* been like that about us. We're very used to it, and really ok.

Meeting them and talking about his attraction might be an idea. Getting involved with his process so to speak.

This I like. If I end up being "ok", and really "ok" with this. Because I would be staying and not going anywhere.

Thank you everyone for responding to me. Its helped tremendously to explore my feelings, rather than just immediate "no". I know how I feel about bf. I don't want to lose our relationship; the things that make us special to each other. I don't want to be cast aside for someone who is better looking, smarter, etc.... I don't want resentment; I want us both to be happy.

 

[idealist]

You've been in each other's lives for so long. Do you really think you would lose him completely?? It seems like this is already a long term relationship. I found myself telling one of my guys last week that I hope we can have a long term relationship. I am not interested in having a monogamous relationship with him, nor do I want to possess him. I am not jealous of his relationships with other people because I also have a rich variety of relationships that are meaningful for me. I do hope and feel on a deeper level that he and I could sustain a long term connection, but these things I can't ever know for sure. All I can do is move forward one day at time, remaining aware of my own thoughts and feelings; being authentic and in the moment as much as possible. Hope you are able to so the same!! Good luck and keep us posted!!

 

[confusedbutterfly]

Your post really resonated with me, especially after visiting with my therapist. She was supportive as well, and willing to work with me on my issues (of course) for me, which also translates into feeling more secure in my relationship with bf.
Its definitely long-term. We've even loved each other from afar when we weren't speaking a few years back. He assures me that he loves me and will never leave me. I have to believe that someone can be that way. Even though I have known and loved him for years.
I need to let him have what he wants; to love him enough, and myself, to allow him to be him. And to be ok with that, and possibly find the benefits.
But yes, its long term, and from a birds eye view, I can look down and see that I could never really lose him. Its when I get focused back in with a closer view, that I lose that reality.
I'm very glad for your reinforcement. This is going to take some time. But ultimately, I don't want to leave. And he is giving me a full year. My therapist thinks it'll be less than that, but to give myself a year just in case.
I want to be "ok, its all good" right now, but I know I'm nowhere near that. I'm glad that I'm not wearing out any welcome here, and eventually will feel comfy responding to others.

 

[idealist]

I totally understand. I have been very desperate and fearful of losing a lover. But it's not logical. I don't know how old you are, but that does tend to make a difference as life's lessons begin to sink in with age! The key is to focus on yourself. The very powerful fear of rejection and fear of abandonment are so intense that if we are unable to keep them in check, we will find ourselves actually sabotaging relationships which is just the thing we DON'T want. Each of us are born alone and each of us will all die alone. If we can accept that to the core of our being, we will no longer have these issues.

 

[candi]

In our case, we all agreed to be mono with each other. I know that our bf and gf would be very upset if we were to take on other lovers. And indeed it would change everything, from how it is now. Seems as though if a few days go by, without getting with them, we miss them, and can't wait to hang together. Lately, my hubby has been out straight with work, so he's been so tired, that we have been going days in between seeing them. Last night, we all got together, to have a few drinks, but didn't do a sleep over, because my hubby has another long day to bust out. (he's been painting a huge house, and for the last 5 days, it's been high 90's, he's spent the day in full sun, and it's probably about 120, three stories up) Today, he's on a local job, so we have all set up picnic's for lunch....gf will go to my hubby's jobsite and they will enjoy some lunch and time together, as will myself and my bf. I'm looking forward to it,,,it's been awhile since we have done a lunch outting, and it may be as simple as hopping in the truck and sitting by one of our local lakes...but just being together is wonderful.
So my point is,,,in our case, I believe it's pretty much all or nothing...if my hubby gets that bored, and wants other's...gf will throw him to the curb, and he knows it. They both would be so hurt, I just don't think they would be able to handle it. They enjoy Poly, just in our tight quad...don't think they would explore the possibilities of new partners. I'm good with that for now...I can't predict the future about that, and I am fully satisfied w my hubby and my bf. I know what I would do if the shoe was on the other foot, and they wanted to take on other partner's...I think I would have a slight attitude over it at first, and then I would be on a search for a second bf...just how I am. Hope this all works out for you...I know you would rather have things stay right as they are, as our bf/gf would too. candi

 

[confusedbutterfly]

Well.....after a ton of thought and deliberation, I decided to give him my "ok".

I do need to work on myself and I don't want to have a time limit on it because then its about "the issue" and not *my* issues separately. Also, if I didn't give my "ok" in a year, well, I didn't want to go there any more in my head. And with that, I was tired of going back and forth - it was getting exhausting, especially on something that wasn't taking place yet.

I told him that my expectations were that he still needed to be there for me, love me, and be there on the two nights I get per week. We hang out for an hour everyday, but there's two nights that he sleeps over at my house. And that *has* to be kept the same in order for this to be "ok" with me. He understands that completely.

The posts from everyone on this thread helped me immensely. I was able to relay to him about the jealousy and possessiveness. Its not mine, and mine isn't his, so we can do what we like. And jealousy coming from my own issues - those I was working on and will continue to work on anyway.

Plus, if someone else were to come along and get my attention, I would feel pretty crappy saying "sure!" and yet, still holding my bf to that year.

I don't want to be the one to keep him from doing what he wants to do. I love him and we may have great times and not so great times, but we're in it for the long haul, whatever that may be.

I will for sure be on here more. Just been dealing with this. lol