Confused

D

dreamboatani

New member
Hi everybody :)

I am a 32 y/o (mostly) straight woman from the PNW. I'm joining this forum because I feel like I'm at a major crossroads and am pretty overwhelmed and confused...so any wisdom, advice, stories etc. would be much appreciated!

Basically, I am married to a (monogamous) man and I am in love with him and another man. In the past, I have always opted to leave my current partner for a new love/lust/infatuation, but I don't want to leave my husband (and I definitely don't want to cheat on him). This predicament has once again caused me to question whether I am better 'wired' for polyamory. It's something I've always thought about and have tried to suggest to every partner I've ever had (albeit very very passively for fear of rejection and/or causing them pain), but only now I'm I starting to take ownership of these feelings.

My husband does not know about any of this (and an important sidenote: we eloped 3.5 years ago after dating each other for 1 week, so we totally skipped over 'the talk'). I don't know how to bring it up, or if I even should, and if I do what to say/not say.

Help!
 
Greetings dreamboatani,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am thinking that you'll need to decide for yourself how essential polyamory is for you. Is it something you can live without? Can you be happy if you live without it? If so, then you don't need to tell your husband about it, you can continue to live monogamously with him. Although there is also the question of how essential it is to you to be totally transparent with him. If you don't want to harbor any secrets, then you should tell him about your interest in poly even if you're worried about the possible fallout. Perhaps you'll just talk about it, and if he doesn't want you to practice it, well, then you'll stay monogamous. But at least you won't have any secrets.

If polyamory for you is a must, then you'll definitely have to talk about it with your husband. And it may be a deal breaker, but if it's something you can't live without, or something that you would end up resenting him for if you couldn't practice it, then you do what you have to do, without keeping secrets. Give him a chance to accept it, if it's something you need in your life.

Anyway those are some thoughts, I'd be glad to talk more with you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome to the forum, dreamboatani. I hope you'll find it a great resource and source of support.

In hindsight, I think you already know the decision to elope after only dating your now-husband for one week wasn't a particularly wise one - if only because nobody can truly KNOW another person after such a short time. You can fall in love (or rather, feel madly infatuated) with somebody within a week, sure. But unless the people concerned have been close platonic friends for a while beforehand, they cannot really know what makes each other tick after only such a short time.

The thing is, YOU already knew you had a predisposition towards non monogamy BEFORE you married your husband, but you were not honest about it with him. I presume your previous partners' refusal to accept your desire for poly was one reason you've thus far chosen not to broach the subject...

...but now you're in love with a second man, though you don't say if this man is also in love with you, how you two know each other/met, or what his status in your life actually is right now.

However, if it truly is "love" and you recognise that - even if things don't/can't progress with this particular person - you truly believe you've always been poly and will continue to desire more than one partner at a time, then you really do need to find a way to address your feelings and desires with your husband.

If you haven't already, read up on polyamory (More Than Two, The Ethical Slut, Opening Up are great starting points) and please feel free to continue to post on this forum. There are some great articles in the relevant section, and if you have specific questions, Relationships Corner usually yields some great advice.
 
Welcome.

From your post, I'm not sure what the want or need is here in a clear way.

Is it...

  • I want to be free of confusion.
  • I want my spouse to help me through this confusion.
  • I want my spouse to reassure me I'm not weird.
  • I want my spouse to know more about me and my inner life -- including this emerging side of me.
  • I want this crush on this other person to just go away.
  • I want to enjoy this crush on this person without feeling bad and let it fade on its own.
  • I want to cultivate this crush and date outside the marriage.
  • Or....?

Are you able to articulate what it is you need or want? What's your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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