Bluebird
Well-known member
So, I had my first date last night, dinner and a movie, with a single guy that both my husband and I have been friends with for about a year. He knows us both separately, and as a couple. I thought it went really well, as we were both really flirty and I thought we had great chemistry.
He called me today, saying that while he liked me a lot, he was feeling extremely conflicted, thinking he was going to be the cause of a divorce, ruining my marriage, etc.
We have had this same conversation 3 times now. The first time was when I outed myself as poly to him, and told him I was interested in dating him. He was very excited and seemed into me. This was about a week ago. The next day, I got a phone call telling me he had changed his mind because he didn't want to ruin his friendship with my husband. I followed up with an email, explaining poly to him more and giving him links to read. He responded saying, he still couldn't view me as available, and that he was really wanting a mono relationship. (He's been single for many years and has not dated in like 20 years.)
I told him that if he really wanted a mono relationship, that was perfectly fine with me and we'd just stay friends and thought that would be it.
On Wednesday, we all 3 attended a group event and he seriously spent the entire 3 hours flirting with me nonstop. My husband pulled him aside to talk to him in person about halfway through to tell him that he was cool with everything - that I was available and everything was great.
The following day - yesterday - I had lots of flirty emails and then we had our date. He didn't try to kiss me or hold my hand or anything, but I felt like he was really into me.
And then this angst-filled phone call this afternoon about how he had become one of "those guys" and he couldn't ever see himself sleeping with me because he'd hate himself.
Sigh. So I told him I wasn't planning on sleeping with him anytime soon (though I wouldnt turn him down if he were less conflicted right now) because I wanted a relationship first. Baby steps. I told him 6 months of hand-holding, if that's what it took. How can I help him work through his hangups? He suggested that he would feel better if we spent more time together as a 3, so I told him ok with that. (We are angling not as a triad, but polyfi.)
I really do dig him and I am ok with taking time, but is there something else I should be saying? Shouldn't be saying?
He called me today, saying that while he liked me a lot, he was feeling extremely conflicted, thinking he was going to be the cause of a divorce, ruining my marriage, etc.
We have had this same conversation 3 times now. The first time was when I outed myself as poly to him, and told him I was interested in dating him. He was very excited and seemed into me. This was about a week ago. The next day, I got a phone call telling me he had changed his mind because he didn't want to ruin his friendship with my husband. I followed up with an email, explaining poly to him more and giving him links to read. He responded saying, he still couldn't view me as available, and that he was really wanting a mono relationship. (He's been single for many years and has not dated in like 20 years.)
I told him that if he really wanted a mono relationship, that was perfectly fine with me and we'd just stay friends and thought that would be it.
On Wednesday, we all 3 attended a group event and he seriously spent the entire 3 hours flirting with me nonstop. My husband pulled him aside to talk to him in person about halfway through to tell him that he was cool with everything - that I was available and everything was great.
The following day - yesterday - I had lots of flirty emails and then we had our date. He didn't try to kiss me or hold my hand or anything, but I felt like he was really into me.
And then this angst-filled phone call this afternoon about how he had become one of "those guys" and he couldn't ever see himself sleeping with me because he'd hate himself.
Sigh. So I told him I wasn't planning on sleeping with him anytime soon (though I wouldnt turn him down if he were less conflicted right now) because I wanted a relationship first. Baby steps. I told him 6 months of hand-holding, if that's what it took. How can I help him work through his hangups? He suggested that he would feel better if we spent more time together as a 3, so I told him ok with that. (We are angling not as a triad, but polyfi.)
I really do dig him and I am ok with taking time, but is there something else I should be saying? Shouldn't be saying?