Considering Polyamory.

N

Nordic

New member
Hello, all.

I am slightly nervous to be here honestly, but I really feel I need to have a community in which I am able to share, learn and develop healthy tools for living in a poly relationship.

I am a 42 year old gay male, recently out of a 12 year long relationship with one man. Prior to meeting my ex, I had met someone who opened me up to the possibilities of polyamory. This was back in the 90s, and I was new to being openly gay. We had discussed developing a bond like this, but work, life and a relocation prevented us from ever going further. But he never left my mind.

Recently, quite unexpectedly, we ran into each other again after all these years, and the communication has not stopped since. Needless to say, he makes me feel like I am coming home.

However, there is one big difference now, which is that he is in a healthy and stable relationship with his boyfriend for 5 years. At first I was disappointed and more than a little jealous.

However, after some lengthy soul-searching and constant discussion with him, I have just met his partner, who is interested welcoming me into their relationship.
There is a powerful attraction between all three of us...physically and intellectually...that is hard to deny.

While I have dabbled in three ways before, this is the first time I can honestly see myself being really fulfilled and happy with two men that I eventually fall in love with and who love me back.

How does someone coming into a pre-established relationship handle the initial emotional complexities of bonding? I am definitely excited by the thought, also nervous and yes...even a little scared. I am not scared to love two people, but I am scared of losing others in my life who would not, nor ever would understand.

I already came out of the closet once, and now I am feeling that same way again. Yikes!

Edit: We have agreed to take things slowly to start. After careful discussion with C, we agree that his partner R and I are going to spend the most time together at first, getting to know each other better and in the proper context of developing the emotional connection. While C will be present for most dates, he is encouraging us to develop our relationship first. This is just a sign of how loving the man is. Both C and I know that we will have less trouble bonding emotionally.
 
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Greetings Nordic,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re:
"How does someone coming into a pre-established relationship handle the initial emotional complexities of bonding?"
Click to expand...

I think it is a gradual process; the pre-established relationship has a sizeable history, and you must build a history of your own with them, with your own special memories to share with them. It's just something that grows while life is happening, one day at a time.

As for coming out of the closet (about poly), it's worth noting that some polyamorists (e.g. yours truly) remain in the closet. There's pros and cons either way.

Hopefully we'll be able to answer more of your questions as you spend time and look around on this site.

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
I think people who identify as straight probably tend to make the mistake of thinking that, because of the apparent symmetry in gay polyamory, things should be easier. However, I know from some of my gay friends and their experiences that this is very much not the case, and a whole different set of dynamics needs to be taken into account. Best of luck going forward with that, I hope things work out. I think a relationship where all three lovers are physically and intellectually attracted to each other could be a fantastic privilege to experience.
 
Yes, I also agree that this has the potential to be an amazing experience, and I also recognize there are differences, especially considering that all three of us will be intimate.

I suppose one thing that helps to clarify is that in this particular grouping, the physical aspects are about as perfect as can get in the gay male world: C is the dominant figure, typical Alpha male type. R is more fluid, finding the joys of being both dominant and passive, and I am pretty much passive.

I use the terms "dominant" and "passive" as euphemism for sexual roles, but this also applies in the emotional sense. While C is the metaphoric head of household and the instigator of the new situation, R has been directing the shots as far as when and how often we spend time together. Because of this, I have started to develop an early bond with him so that a transition is smoother and less disruptive on R's happiness.
 
You have a good triad in the making.
 
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