Considering

[insearchoflove]

I have been interested in Poly for a while and just recently stumbled on to the showtime show Married and dating and it showed what seemed to be a good realistic view of Poly, the love, the sex but also the issues. So after all my research I still have just a few questions

- Where? Are there good places to practice poly as it is illegal in all 50 states

- I am interested in a closed triad, are they frowned upon in the poly community?

- In seeking a closed triad would it be better to marry first then seek to complete the triad?

-Dealing with if says hypothetically my girlfriend and I are seeking a third and say me and the girl really hit it off but they don't or vise versa. How do you deal with that?

Thanks for all your help! We have to stick together! I appreciate all your time and help!

 

[Leetah]

Just a quick note, I believe only bigamy or polygamy is illegal in all 50 states. That is going through the official process of legally marrying more than one person. Some states disallow even unofficially living as a married multiple as well, but I think not many. I think if you search these forums you will find more where people have researched this, most recently Bluebird.

Leetah

 

[KC43]

As Leetah said, polyAMORY is not illegal in the US. There are no laws governing who or how many someone dates, has a relationship with, or fucks. There ARE laws governing how many people someone is allowed to marry, but polyamory doesn't mean marriage. It means having loving relationships with more than one partner. PolyGAMY, the practice of having more than one *spouse*, is what's illegal, because "marriage" is a legal designation.

As for your potential relationship configuration, you're jumping way too far ahead, in my opinion. First of all, "frowned on" is bullshit. Live your life. What difference does it make what anyone else thinks, other than the people who are directly involved? People frown on me for having multiple male partners while Hubby doesn't have *any* other partners, but that doesn't matter, because they aren't living my life.

Second of all, "completing the triad"... ugh. Sorry, but I have problems on SO many levels with the way you've phrased that.

Do you have someone you're considering marrying? If not, why would you decide to marry first then "complete"?

Second, "completing" implies that you're adding someone to a marriage for the sole purpose of giving you something you want. What about what they want? If you're looking for a closed triad, assuming you want two women, what are they getting out of sharing you and not being "allowed to" have any other partners, while you get to have both of them?

Third, it can be very difficult to find someone who's willing to be sexually and romantically involved with a couple. Even if a woman is bisexual, that doesn't mean she would be attracted to both the husband and wife in a married couple, for example. Read some of the threads on this forum from people who have felt pressured to "love" both members of an existing couple. While it's far more common for people to post when things are going badly, meaning it might be a skewed sampling, the point is things can go very badly in a situation like that. Particularly if the existing couple decides they and their marriage is what's really important and the "third" is just there as a sex toy...

You would be best off, in my opinion, if you let go of expectations and "I want this and only this" type of thinking. Date people. See what happens.

 

[Dagferi]

I have been interested in Poly for a while and just recently stumbled on to the showtime show Married and dating and it showed what seemed to be a good realistic view of Poly, the love, the sex but also the issues. So after all my research I still have just a few questions

- Where? Are there good places to practice poly as it is illegal in all 50 states

- I am interested in a closed triad, are they frowned upon in the poly community?

- In seeking a closed triad would it be better to marry first then seek to complete the triad?

-Dealing with if says hypothetically my girlfriend and I are seeking a third and say me and the girl really hit it off but they don't or vise versa. How do you deal with that?

Thanks for all your help! We have to stick together! I appreciate all your time and help!

Yeah that show SO IS NOT a good representation of polyamory.

While there are laws on the books against certain aspects of poly. Most officials have bigger fish to fry than worrying about who loves who. The only issues that may come up would be if you were dipping into the governments pocket to fuel your life style.

I am openly out as married to both my guys. I had a wedding ceremony with Murf just without the govt piece of paper. My state has adultery and bigamy laws on the books. I have friends who are in law enforcement who plainly say wee are in no danger. Not a damn thing has happened to me.

Unicorn hunting which is what you are doing is HIGHLY frowned upon in the poly world. Triads fail 90% of the time. The only ones that work are the ones who start organically. For example Say you start dating a new girl in a totally separate relationship from the one with your original girlfriend. Months or years down the line the girls start having feelings for each other and then they, separate from you, start a relationship. Those forms of triads are the only ones that work.

DO NOT DATE AS A COUPLE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why not just shoot for a V relationship? They are hard enough BUT can and do work. I have been in one for 4ish years. It works well.

I get that you have all these fantasies. But realize that poly is hard for men. They can have a hell of a time finding women willing to date a man with a gf or wife.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi insearchoflove,

Re (from OP):

"Where? Are there good places to practice poly as it is illegal in all fifty states."

I think there are antiquated laws on the books in many/most states that would make polyamory illegal (e.g. adultery laws), however you only run afoul of polygamy laws if you try to legally marry multiple people.

Re:

"I am interested in a closed triad, are they frowned upon in the poly community?"

Yeppers. Well, in particular, trying to set up an M/F + F triad will get you some frowny faces.

Re:

"In seeking a closed triad would it be better to marry first then seek to complete the triad?"

Who says you have to marry at all? Staying single might help reduce the odds that couple privilege will develop.

Re:

"Dealing with if say hypothetically my girlfriend and I are seeking a third and say me and the girl really hit it off but they don't or vise versa. How do you deal with that?"

With some difficulty, which is one of the problems with an MFF triad. I suppose your best hope there would be to study up on jealousy.

I don't say forget about the triad idea, just make room for other possible configurations.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.