Could I get some help?

L

LMiment

New member
I apologize, I'm a bit new to the poly community and I'm really not sure what to do with issues like this. For about the past year, my husband and I been involved with another couple, and the thing is, I'm not very happy. I enjoy some of the more romantic aspects with them, but when sex comes up, I try to avoid penetration other than by my husband.

It's awkward-- I've been coming up with bad excuses as to why I don't want to have sex that night and just want to let them go at it.

It's awkward-- I feel uncomfortable and jealous when I shouldn't, because I'm saying it's okay to do it. Hell, if this were just a romantic relationship, I would love it, but like this, not so much.

(I don't mean to offend anyone who is sexually poly, if that's totally your thing. I just don't feel comfortable with it for my sex life.)

Thing have just gotten more awkward as of late. These things sound like they're straight out of a soap opera, so I feel bad bringing it up. My husband's girlfriend (M) revealed a few months back that she was pregnant, and both my husband and her husband (T) are overjoyed. They don't know whose it is, but they're quite happy, nonetheless.

I want to be happy for her, but I can't help but be jealous, because she gets all of this attention that she rightfully deserves. She is nearly five months along now. I still can't help but feel neglected. It is my own fault for not speaking up.

However, I've just recently learned that I'm pregnant, too. I've been keeping it to myself because... I don't know, I feel like I'm stealing her spotlight, so to speak, if I say anything. I know my husband's starting to notice, because he keeps asking me what's wrong. He says that I keep closing off and not talking. I feel bad about doing that. I feel guilty. I can't bring myself to speak up. I feel so small and insignificant. It doesn't feel right to bring it up. Does anyone know what I should do?
 
First off, you should tell them. I don't think this will steal anything from her. I think all of them will be very happy for you and the situation.

As far as the sex: are you uncomfortable because it's not your husband, or is it just sex in general?

The one thing about polyamory is honesty and communication. I have found that to be the key for my wife and me, and the partners we have had in the past. You can't fix something if you don't know it's broke. What I mean by that is if they don't know your feelings, and you choose to lie about situations, then there is something wrong.

This is my opinion only. It's what has worked for us. Good luck and keep us posted.

Oh, and congratulations!
 
You should never feel bad about not wanting sex. It's not as if you're preventing either guy from having sex with other women.

As for being pregnant, ummm, yeah, they kind of have a right to know, plus they'll be happy for you. Have you been excited and supportive of her? If not, I could see why you're feeling guilty and worried about receiving same treatment from her. If you have been happy for her, there should be no issues. Stop worrying and bring them in on this happy news.
 
Ah, quads. They are complicated. I have been in two, myself.

I am wondering, are you genuinely sexually attracted to your boyfriend? If not, that could explain why you don't want sex with him. It's quite possible to have an emotional attraction to someone, even love them, without wanting to have sex with them.

But I know that in a quad it can be tempting to just go along with things, in order to not rock the boat and make things more difficult for the other folks.

It is perfectly acceptable to leave the quad and just support your husband in continuing with the other woman. It's also perfectly acceptable to find your own boyfriend (or girlfriend). Your husband does not have to be a part of that. This may seem like a no-brainer, but some people who are new to this haven't considered all their options.

You absolutely need to tell at least your husband about your pregnancy and get the prenatal care you need. If it is possible that your boyfriend might be the father of your baby, he needs to be told soon, as well. You do not have to continue in a romantic and sexual relationship with him, even if he is the father. And please don't worry about taking attention away from the other woman. If she's good people, she will be happy for you.
 
Lots of great advice given so far. Just want to add another voice to the chorus that's telling you to be up front and explain everything. It's fine not to want to have sex, as long as you're up front about it.

I was married to a woman who wouldn't have sex for years at a time. Without going into all the issues involved, if my expectations had been set correctly, perhaps we could have worked through it. A lot of times people think they're being polite by not expressing themselves, when they're actually doing more harm this way.

You and your pregnancy definitely deserve to be taken care of by all involved. I'm sure that she'll be just as happy and comforting to you as you have been to her.
 
If you don't want sex, that's fine. Don't do it. There is no reason to lie or be uncomfortable. Just be honest about your reasons. They deserve the truth.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly, okay?

Does anyone know what I should do?
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You could be more clear. You could dump the word "should" from your vocab and replace it with "could," so you can think to yourself, "What are the things I could do here?" and learn to take more responsibility over your own life that way. "Here are some options I could do. Now here's the one I choose to try. "

I enjoy some of the more romantic aspects with them, but when sex comes up, I try to avoid penetration [by the other guy].
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This is your preference. You could state that clearly and up front. You are allowed to have your own preferences.

What is your preference? An emotional (but not sexual) quad? Emotional + some cuddles quad? Or no quad at all? Something else?

Where is your boundary? Are you keeping to it or trespassing on it?

It's awkward-- I've been coming up with bad excuses as to why I don't want to have sex that night and just want to let them go at it.
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So, how's that working for you? Sounds like not great, since you feel yucky. :(

How about not avoiding stating your preferences clearly, not making excuses for not wanting sex, just stating your preference?

  • If you want to share some sex play with the group, you can. State your penis-in-vagina boundary up front.
  • If you do not not want to share any sex with the group, don't. And state it up front: "I don't want to." Don't make excuses, like a headache, or whatever. You just plain ol' don't wanna! You are allowed to say that. Your body is yours. You share it or not, sexually, as you want, when you want.

It's awkward-- I feel uncomfortable and jealous when I shouldn't, because I'm saying it's okay to do it.
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You have that backwards, like your feelings are broken. Your feelings work fine. It is your choice to say less than honest words that is broken. You feel uncomfortable.
  • So don't have group sex if you don't want to.
  • Don't have sex with BF if you don't want to (even one-on-one, not just as a quad).
  • Don't be saying you are okay with them having group sex without you when you actually are NOT okay with it.

When you tell them to go ahead, in order to avoid having to speak up, you are free to choose, but you are not free from consequences of your choices. If you choose to be less than honest, and they move on without you, thinking that it is okay with you, you then feel "left-out jealousy," and become upset, because none of them are tending to your needs (and neither are you).

They cannot be mind readers. You actually have to speak up. You could state your actual preferences/feelings from the start. That might feel awkward/yucky, too, at first, but at least it is in line with your spirit, and not you grinding against your own grain. It is honest.

To me, your feelings sound like they work just fine. Some are yummy to feel and some are yucky to feel. The yucky ones usually come up when your behavior has been poor. Right now, being untruthful is not serving you well. Your feelings verify it.

Hell, if this was just a romantic relationship, I would love it. But this, not so much... I just don't feel comfortable with it for my sex life...
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Then do not participate in things you really do not want to participate in. It grinds against your own grain and hurts your spirit. :(

Again, be more clear. Be more true to yourself. You have every right to have your sex life be how you like it.

I know my husband's starting to notice. He keeps asking what's wrong. He says that I keep closing off and not talking. I feel bad about doing it.
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Then speak up and answer the man.

  • If you need space, say so. "I need space right now. I'm not up for talking."
  • When ready, make an appointment with him to talk.

Then you don't have to feel bad about closing off.

Take time to organize your thoughts, if you need to. But I do suggest you talk this out and not avoid it forever. Speak your truth, even at a whisper. Or type it in an email or text. Then you can start to heal.

I still feel guilty. I can't bring myself to speak up.
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You can tell them that you are pregnant now, or your changing body will tell them for you.

What's the guilt about? That you are also pregnant at the same time she is? That you stole her thunder somehow, by having your own life and your own things happening in it?

You are allowed to live your life, and have things happening in it.

Could you be willing to clarify what the guilt is from? Are you busy beating yourself up in your head, like you are "less than?"

I feel so small and insignificant, but it still doesn't feel right to bring it up.
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To me, it seems like you are connecting things that don't need to connect and expressing your emotions all muddled up.

I would put it as two separate sentences.

  • I feel so small and insignificant.
  • I don't feel comfortable bringing it up.

That's internal conflict.

That smallness? It doesn't sound like you trust yourself to take good care of yourself.

  • You don't trust yourself to not get yourself into things you don't really want to be doing.
  • You don't trust yourself to speak up for yourself when things bother you from the get-go.

And you are right not to trust yourself, if those are currently your behaviors. It is not self-respecting behavior to go against your own grain. :(

I don't think you will stop feeling "small" until you decide to take better care of yourself, and start meeting some of your own needs. It is not selfish to meet some of your own needs so that you can function in a healthy way. It is necessary. It's just like in a plane that's going down, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, before you can help anyone else. It's not selfish to get your own air supply going first.

That discomfort? I don't think you can stop feeling "uncomfortable" about having hard conversations until you start to do it, and learn that you can indeed handle it. Confidence is grown by doing, not by shrinking away from it. Then you become skilled at it and it isn't hard anymore.

I hope you can start to do that more for yourself, take better care of yourself by choosing to give yourself permission to speak your truth, and in so doing, grow your confidence along the way.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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Thank you, everyone, for your advice. I took my husband aside this morning and I told him that I wasn't comfortable with sexual endeavors with M and T, but that I was fine with him continuing it. The issue is that he doesn't seem too comfortable with it. It wasn't that he was afraid of having sex with them without me, as he's done it before, but he said that he felt like he was "leaving me out," so to speak. I told him that it was perfectly fine, and that I didn't mind, and I just really wasn't comfortable with doing anything sexual further than kissing the other guy, and maybe giving him a blowjob or hand job. (Even then, that pushes it a bit for me).

He seemed okay with it, but I worry that he isn't. Regarding other issues, or on other occasions, he's brought it up with M or T, or in more drastic cases, my parents (which is an entirely different story), and he's made it seem like it's more of an issue than it is.

I just don't really feel comfortable having intercourse with someone that isn't my husband. I love the dates and kisses and romantic things we all share. It's nice and it makes me feel sort of safe. (Does that make sense?) But he doesn't seem to get that I'm fine continuing this polyamory relationship, just without sex on my part.

As for the pregnancy, I still don't know what to do... In terms of what I meant by uncomfortable, here is the situation. My husband and I have been together since college. We have known M since then, too. She married T a little after we got married.

From the middle of high school until the end of college, I struggled with an eating disorder and major depressive disorder. (I don't mean to turn this into another overdramatic post or the like; I apologize.) This led to frequent hospital stays and regular therapy sessions. I reached the weight that I needed to be at two years ago. I am still underweight, but in a much healthier range.

My husband constantly worried (and sometimes still does) about my weight, and fears that I may get worse and stop taking my antidepressants or something of the sort. I've assured him that I won't. But people still worry, regardless, no matter who they are.

As for the relationship between M and me, we're close friends. We've known each other for nearly as long as I've known my husband. So that's once of the reasons why I feel guilty for being jealous of her pregnancy.

She handles it so well. She looks amazing. All of the weight just goes straight to her chest and belly. She had barely any morning sickness. You get the idea-- the perfect pregnancy.

I've been talking with her, and being nice, and asking questions about the baby, but I've also been avoiding her like I have the other members of the household and mostly keeping to myself.

When I found out I was pregnant, things just haven't been good. The clinic I went to said that I'm about ten weeks. My period has always been a bit off, so I didn't think about it until I'd gone two months without a period.

The symptoms are getting more severe. They said that I should lessen or stop taking my medication all together. It's been very bad. I force food down and just end up throwing it up later. I make a point to do it outside or when people aren't home. I know I should stop taking my medication, but I worry about what will happen without it.

I've always been sensitive about my weight. My mind keeps telling me that I'm going to look disgusting once I finish the first trimester and start putting on baby weight.

Plus, there's this weird thing my husband and T have started doing with M, something called belly worship, that they read about in an online zine. (Could someone explain?)

And of course, that just adds to the billions of other things I worry about happening with me if they find out.

I just don't know what to do concerning the pregnancy and making my husband comfortable. Could I ask for more advice? You guys have been so sweet and helpful, so far. :)
 
Reading your last post, my first piece of advice is that it is IMPERATIVE for you to make sure you have the physical, mental, and emotional support you need for this pregnancy, both from professionals, and from the people in your life.

You say you eat, but then throw it up. Is this morning sickness, or something you're doing intentionally? (And I'm sorry for asking that.)

You know that you now need to nourish not only your own body, but the baby's, as well. If you aren't able to eat and keep it down, for whatever reason, in my opinion, it's important for you to get medical help to ensure you and the baby are getting sufficient nutrition.

I can't tell whether you're afraid your eating disorder and mental health issues are going to cause problems with your husband if you tell him about the pregnancy, or what impact you feel those may be having on your current situation. I can say, from my own experience, that depression and anxiety can vastly magnify fear and can project those fears onto other people, causing you (e.g., the person with the depression and anxiety, not necessarily you, personally) to expect the most negative reaction possible. But I've also found through personal experience that once you suck it up and actually speak, the reactions of others are not as bad as you fear.

I have no clue what "belly worship" is, but why would your hubby and the other guy treat you any different from M? You're both pregnant. You're both bringing new life into the world. You are both important and deserve to have your pregnancies celebrated. You deserve to feel heard and loved. I'm kinda getting the sense that you aren't feeling that right now.
 
If you intend to continue the pregnancy and have the baby, any drugs you take are going to affect the baby. You need to focus on the health of the baby more than how much weight you will gain. The weight you put on is necessary for the baby's development. But your husband should know about it. This other chick being preggers, too, shouldn't be something that keeps you from telling your own husband.

If you do not want to bring the baby to term, an abortion would still be a safe, simple, and low risk procedure at this point (before 12 weeks).

You seem to suffer from low self-esteem. You've gone along with an arrangement you didn't really want. You defer to other people whom you place above yourself as more important. You are afraid to speak up for what you want. I think you need to be honest with yourself and your husband, and perhaps look into getting some therapy to learn ways to boost your self-esteem.
 
Thank you again, everyone, for your advice.

I decided that I had better tell him today, while I still had a bit of courage left from telling him about how I felt about the sexual relationship.

I wanted to make telling my husband about my pregnancy more private. I wanted to tell him first, then tell M and T tomorrow. However, it didn't go as planned. I pulled him aside while M and T were having a date. (All of us will have romantic times, go on dates, see a movie, etc., with just one of the others, on occasion.)

I did one of those cute pregnancy announcement things by giving him a little stuffed animal and saying it was for the baby. Of course, he was a bit confused, because I should've given it right to M. But when I said it was for our own baby (I'm sure it's his, as I've only had full on 'sex' with T a handful of times, and the last time was before even M got pregnant), he was very happy.

It was very sweet, like all of the movies make it out to be-- until M and T came home. The second they got in the door, he told them. While they were quite happy too, they sat me down and immediately started a lecture about me no longer taking my medication, getting me on prenatal vitamins and medications that will help me gain weight, how I needed to figure out time off work, etc. It got worse when they asked how far along I was, and when I said nearly twelve weeks, they kept asking how long I had known, and I finally admitted it, and... well, I put myself into this hole, so I can't blame anyone but myself. They got very upset and hurt that I didn't say anything.

They insisted that everything was going to be fine. But this can't all be fine! My husband keeps researching all of these things like 'depression during pregnancy,' and 'what to do if you have an eating disorder while pregnant,' and looking up how much weight I need to gain. I just told him I was pregnant a few hours ago! He's already looking up all of these doctors, and saying I should go to M's doctor, because apparently she's amazing.

He said that I need to gain around fifty pounds, based on my height and current weight! That can't be right!!

M is already showing me all of her old maternity clothes that I could borrow. She got mad when I said maternity clothes weren't an issue. Sweats are fine. They're comfortable. Why spend money on maternity?

T keeps asking how I'm feeling. He is making dinner right now, and trying to get as many carbs into the damn meal as he can.

God, I don't know what to do. I'm panicking because, yes, I want this baby so much, but everything is in a whirlwind, after only one day... :(
 
First of all, congratulations. :)

If you choose to continue with the pregnancy, you should keep in mind that this is your baby, your pregnancy, not M's. You do not have to choose the things she chooses.

You should also tell all your partners that they should s l o w d o w n... Yes there are considerations, and you will need to speak with your healthcare provider about whether staying on the meds or going off them is the better choice. You should not just have a knee-jerk reaction to stopping the meds, and neither should they. A mommy who is off her much needed psych meds is not necessarily better. It is a risk assessment situation.

Are you still in therapy? You should probably have someone to talk to about the feelings that can come up around weight gain in pregnancy. It is not easy, even for women who don't have pre-existing eating disorders. You will need to learn to trust that your body will gain only what you need to support the pregnancy. This is a process, but you can do it. :)

It is also common for women to feel very differently about sex in pregnancy. Some are more sexual and some are less. Both are normal. Just find your new current normal and ask your partners to help you adjust.

Interview different types of providers, midwives as well as doctors. One will likely resonate with you more than the others, and help you feel safer about moving forward.

One day at a time... :)

Willow
 
I have depression and anxiety disorder. During my pregnancies, I wasn't able to take my meds, but the hormones (or something) lessened the conditions to the point where I was able to cope without meds for those nine months.

LMiment, it sounds like the other three are excited, but also concerned. And it sounds like they're putting more stress on you by jumping all over you about everything all at once. As Willowstar said, ask them all to slow down and stop overwhelming you. There's a lot that needs to go into a pregnancy, but it doesn't all have to be figured out at once, and it isn't helping matters if they're throwing idea after idea and problem after problem at you.

As for how much weight you should gain during pregnancy, that isn't up to anyone other than you and your healthcare provider to determine. The internet doesn't know everything.

Good for you for telling them about your pregnancy. You're gaining strength in the situation every time you speak up for yourself. So keep speaking up, and know you have support here.
 
The issues they are talking about aren't unimportant, and if you're going to keep this baby, and want you both to be healthy, you do have to consider them, of course, with the guidance of a healthcare professional. You can't wait when it comes to "Is this medication safe for a developing fetus?"
 
The first time I got pregnant, I was depressed. But I didn't have an eating disorder. I know nothing about that. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to go to therapy if I wanted to be able to take care of a baby properly. It took even longer to realize that I needed therapy to be able to take care of myself! My therapy started just before the baby was born, but it would have been better if I would have started going earlier.

Do speak up. Do tell others about what you need and want, and where your limits are. Talk about your fears, too.

Talking about these things, and recognizing and naming your boundaries are skills you are going to need as a mother. I felt like my firstborn was constantly scratching my soul with his presence. I was too open to everything. I had no knowledge of my own boundaries. I kept crossing them all the time, myself. And to add a child to that…

You still have time to work on these things. And you clearly have people who care about you and want to help. Use the opportunity. Let them. You have already made a good start at talking about yourself. I think you can learn all this. :)
 
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