Couple-hunting in Unicornia

what my friend told me this morning

I can participate in other peoples lives but I don't have to go and save them. A little nudge there, a thought here.
If they choose to continue being self - destructive, no amount of tea in China is going to save them from their own destruction. It's sometimes hard but I've had to let them do what they do out of respect for their journey.
Sometimes it's enough when I deal with my own shit first.
Often enough if I just leave them well alone, they miraculously recover, or go into some form of self recovery. All this with the price of just paying attention to me.
 
I can participate in other peoples lives but I don't have to go and save them. A little nudge there, a thought here.
If they choose to continue being self - destructive, no amount of tea in China is going to save them from their own destruction. It's sometimes hard but I've had to let them do what they do out of respect for their journey.

YES YES YES

I've learned this the hard way on more than one occasion and after feeling of being drained and hung out to dry... no more. I have to deal with my own shit. So does everybody else. I can only do so much, I'm only one person, and I refuse to feel bad about it.

Good on you.
 
Yup, that's a really good and important insight.
 
My sponsor on facing the rainy days

"The journey is mine. I empower myself as a woman and as a spiritual being. No matter who I am."

"If I listen rightly to my inner workings, in time, my spirit will speak the truth."

"I must stop believing all those past reviews, irrespective from whom they came from whom they came from, and most of all, my self-taught self-disliking of me."
 
There and back again

It's been a while since my last post here, but don't think I've forgotten you guys!

In the meanwhile I've been diagnosed with bipolar type 1. I guess there are worse diagnoses.

I'll probably not be updating terribly often, since at the moment I'm single and dreaming of a nice monogamous relationship for a change, or going solo poly.
 
Glad you've arrived at some conclusions, and will able to work with them as you move forward, now that you know what the issues are.

Nice to see you again!
 
Back to poly: a full circle

As it happens, I'm back at poly after a year of singlehood. And as it happens, I'm back together again with my partners from 2011, namely Vanilla and MoonlightRunner.

At the moment I'm flying solo, and don't have the need to have a primary. Vanilla lives together with Pistachio, who is a straight male. They have been together for approximately 9 months. MoonlightRunner is still together with his wife, Windflower.

I hope to be blogging more these days, since my poly life has come a full circle. Especially with Vanilla, we are taking things super-slow, to avoid bad NRE decisions.
 
Relationship skills: Security and Self-soothing

These two are the relationship skills I am practicing right now. Mainly in my relationship with Vanilla, whatever form that will take.

With the security issue, I've gained a lot of insight from Franklin Veaux's article Becoming Secure (http://www.morethantwo.com/becomingsecure.html). Basically, he says you have to fake it to make it. So instead of sending anxious messages to Vanilla and not getting responses and blaming it all on myself for not being interesting enough or whatever, I will think that her response rate has nothing to do with me, but is more a reflection of her schedules and other commitments.

Self-soothing is something that was covered in the book Lesbian Couples by D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green. They write on page 38 "In the context of separateness and togetherness, self-soothing is the ability to calm your feelings when your partner moves closer or farther away emotionally. If your anxiety signals a problem that you two need to discuss, and you can self-soothe enough to talk about it, you are more likely to be emotionally present for that conversation. If your reactive feeling is triggered by the past and is not really about your partner, self-soothing and containing gives you time to figure out what is really going on."
 
So instead of sending anxious messages to Vanilla and not getting responses and blaming it all on myself for not being interesting enough or whatever, I will think that her response rate has nothing to do with me, but is more a reflection of her schedules and other commitments.

I fully understand this. I fall into the trap of thinking people (specifically my husband) are ignoring my messages on purpose and then start to doubt myself and my worth. It's all bullshit, half the time they never got the message or missed it because it came in at the same time as 3 other work related messages, etc. One of the tricks I do is, when I'm on a lunch break or on my way home from work, or when I know they have time available, I call the person (no texting) and ask if they got my message - usually the answer is NO. This is a self defeatist/harming trap to fall into. It also might help to discuss with people their habits when it comes to messaging. Do they ignore everything until they have time to deal with it later, do they answer everything immediately or do they have to think about things for hours before responding, etc.

So glad to hear things are coming back together for you!
 
Changing needs and priorities

Vanilla and Pistachio are in the process of changing their relationship dynamics from primary to secondary, with him eventually moving out. This might take a full year, though.

It will mean that both me and Vanilla lack a primary while dating each other in a secondary mindset. It's new and exciting, first time I will be flying solo in the poly world.

I've noticed that my needs and priorities have changed when it comes to poly. I no longer find it necessary to have a primary of my own in order to be a good secondary.
 
It also might help to discuss with people their habits when it comes to messaging. Do they ignore everything until they have time to deal with it later, do they answer everything immediately or do they have to think about things for hours before responding, etc.

Yes, different messaging habits are irritating. Like I almost always answer right away, even if I'm busy.

I did the 5 love languages test and found out my love language is physical touch. And that's so true! I often reach out and touch people I love.

The biggest hurdle in most relationships I think is not to do unto your partner what you would have done unto you, but to get to know what your partner actually prefers and acting accordingly.
 
Yes, different messaging habits are irritating. Like I almost always answer right away, even if I'm busy.

It does help to understand others styles. If you know they won't answer right away, then when your hit with the "OMG, they are ignoring me", you can rationally talk your self back to reality. "No, they're not! They just don't respond when they are busy."

The biggest hurdle in most relationships I think is not to do unto your partner what you would have done unto you, but to get to know what your partner actually prefers and acting accordingly.

Agree!!!! This is hard to remember and it takes work, but it's work well worth it.
 
Okay, so this doesn't have a direct bearing to polyamory, but relates to healing and becoming a whole person, so I'll share.

This morning I got my very first tattoo ever. It is located on my solar plexus and has the following text; 2. Cor. 12:9.

The Bible verse it refers to is, following the New International Translation, this one;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I have struggled with panic disorder, and I chose the solar plexus because that part of my body is where I first feel an attack coming. For all of you fellow polys, monos and intererested who have 'a thorn in your flesh', be you of whatever religious persuasion or none, I wish the most glorious day!

I haven't gotten through all the pages yet, but this grabbed my attention. Just wanted to say that's a beautiful verse and also that I struggle with panic as well. I often feel it a lot like how you describe. Wishing you love and light in your journey.
 
Thank you, Jade! Lots of love and blessings to you too.

I've been looking back upon my relationships with Vanilla and Moonlight, and figuring what exactly went wrong. I think a lot of it was inexperience with poly, especially with NRE. I quit my relationship with Moonlight, not because I didn't love him but because I felt this intense connection with Vanilla. My NRE wit Moonlight was over and my NRE with Vanilla was still going strong.

Then with Vanilla, we repeatedly did stupid NRE decisions when it came to new people we were dating. I feel that if we had a little more understanding and patience when it came to NRE, we could have made it. It also makes me hopeful that we might get it right this time, now that we know what to look out for.
 
Had our first date with Moonlight yesterday. I have a plan of visiting them every two weeks for a Friday to Sunday sleepover. Windflower has given her preliminary consent to the plan, but she still needs to think it through. I understand her; I will become a big part of their family life if the plan goes through.

Windflower also asked we keep PDA to the minimum in front of the kids. Cupcake begins preschool in the autumn and Windflower doesn't want the first thing to explain to the staff to be our situation. Since Moonlight had his vasectomy, I also need to get tested for STDs before we can move on to barrier free sex.
 
So I met Vanilla yesterday and she said that although she enjoys my company she would wish that I don't text her all the time. It's a small request but it hurt me badly. I just want her to know I think about her during the day.
 
The problem is that I've never really stopped loving her. And while I think I might meet other people, I have a hard time believing that I could find someone to share such a deep connection with.
 
I joined a gym yesterday and had a meeting with a personal trainer today. I'm finally getting serious about losing that 30 pounds or so. Go me!

I also saw Cookie today. He is still very depressed and is desperately looking for that one woman who will make all his problems go away. I suspect he might have Aspergers.
 
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