Craigslist and sneaking around

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blacksofa

New member
Months ago I found out that my partner had been using adultfriendfinder to look for potential hook ups. I confronted him about it and he said he 'didn't think it was an issue' and then lied about working for the site or something.

We hadn't actually discussed those sites so I let it go. (But, obviously if I brought it up it was a big deal to me) I left the country for a bit and we broke up and when I came back we started to see one another again. Lately, things have been amazing and very easy and fun to be with him.

I was at his place last week when he was at work and decided to log into his computer to snoop (yeah, I'm horrible I know). I looked through his history and there were TONS of searches on Craigslist and other sites.

I found an email account he uses for those sites and it definitely definitely appears he has cheated on me several times. And if he hasn't, it's not for lack of trying.

I'm very confused now. I love him and I want him in my life, but that is a huge boundary issue for me.

In all honesty, I'm worried about him and I think he has a sex addiction. I know he was abused/raped in his past and has other issues with his mom and things like that, so I feel like these discreet encounters are his way of getting control or gaining self esteem or whatever. He could get off on the thrill of sneaking around, etc. He is also pretty open/joking about the fact that he has no self respect.

I'm not sure what to do.

Confront him? Tell him I saw it and deal with more lying and manipulation? Or just end it with no explanation and try to be friends?

[For the record, our agreement is if we have sex with anyone else we tell each other]
 
If your agreement is to tell each other if you have sex with someone, then you don't know that he's cheated. Maybe he's been TRYING to meet someone and been 100% unsuccessful at reaching the sex stage.

I would talk to him about it and clarify your boundaries. A few things I would clarify are: Are you against him meeting people on CL or AFF for sex? If so, he needs to know. Do you need to know BEFORE he has sex or is informing you after sufficient? Do you need to know if he is actively looking for a sex partner?
 
Normally I would say first, always, as a rule, TALK to your partner about what's bugging you.

But you both seem to work in a lying/snooping mode that I'm not willing to entertain in my life, so I don't know whether talking would work the same way for you that it works for me.

You say cheating and lying is a huge boundary issue for you. So ... boundary not respected, you could
  • Give him another chance (and assume you'll be as good at figuring out if he's cheated again). This probably requires some kind of honest conversation.
  • Tell him why you're leaving, and leave. Again, confrontation.
  • Just leave, which you seem to consider an option. Avoids the drama.

Sex addiction is a controversial diagnosis, so unless you're a qualified therapist and he's your willing client, it probably doesn't help to go there.

Consider your own self respect and how it may be impacted by staying with someone who disregards agreements and boundaries, is dishonest to your face, and possibly puts you at risk by having sex outside of your agreements -- what guarantee do you have that he's playing safely with other partners?
 
I would have never looked/snooped if I didn't think I had a serious reason too, and I am happy I did.

I know he has performed risky sex in the past.

And, well, I just talked to my momma and I hate who this is making me become (like snooping, etc.) and I'm going to leave and not tell him why.

I don't like confrontation, and I don't think he is going to change. He has been doing this for years, partner or no partner...
 
blacksofa said:
I was at his place last week when he was at work and decided to log into his computer to snoop (yeah, I'm horrible I know).
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I do consider that horrible. I don't associate with people who think they have the right to sneak into my personal life.

Not only would I break up with you without a second thought, I would be very careful about even associating with someone so comfortable with dishonesty.

blacksofa said:
In all honesty, I'm worried about him and I think he has a sex addiction.
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Pfh! lol
 
Marcus said:
I do consider that horrible. I don't associate with people who think they have the right to sneak into my personal life.

Not only would I break up with you without a second thought, I would be very careful about even associating with someone so comfortable with dishonesty.

Pfh! lol
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It is horrible. Which is why I have to leave. And the thing is even if I told him I am 99.99% sure he wouldn't leave me. He has lied, manipulated, and guilt tripped me in the past and keeping me around allows his double life to continue. Something solid and steady on his arm and then random fucks on the side...

Point is, I would have never done that if I didn't think I had a reason to. I should have left months ago for good.
 
I'm sorry you deal in this.

Confront him? Tell him I saw it and deal with more lying and manipulation?
Or just end it with no explanation and try to be friends?
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There is another option --- just end it. No justifying, arguing, defending, explaining (JADE) from either one of you.

I should have left months ago for good.
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Yup. Leave. That is what I would do. End it and not come back. No need to "be friends" here.

Galagirl
 
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Been there

Blacksofa-I haven't been on the boards for a while, but decided to check in and saw your post. I am currently divorcing my husband because of Craigslist and fuckbook activities. It is indeed like you are the stabilizing force to legitimize his double life. People will say shame on you for snooping, but they are people who likely have never been through such a betrayal. I found my husband's activities by accident, not through snooping, and there was no reason for me to have suspected any of it. The trauma of that discovery will be something I fight when entering new relationships always. To be able to trust my gut, when he was so good at hiding everything, I'm not sure how to get there.

All I can say, is be glad you found out before entangling your life in 15 years of marriage. I'm so sorry, and I understand your pain.
 
oh man, so i looked at his stuff again...at first i found an email that said he had never met anyone except for this one girl back in 2006 (who he told me about) and then i found another email of his where he solicited an ex-fuck buddy for sex. this person apparently forgot about him, so he told them where and how they fucked.

im kind of in shock, because when i read that first email i thought maybe i was wrong (silly hope!) and talking to people was some kind of weird fetish he never followed through on. but then, nope...

well, thank you for your replies everyone :) im not entirely sure what to do, if i should confront him or just fade away.
 
franchescasc said:
The trauma of that discovery will be something I fight when entering new relationships always. To be able to trust my gut, when he was so good at hiding everything, I'm not sure how to get there.

All I can say, is be glad you found out before entangling your life in 15 years of marriage. I'm so sorry, and I understand your pain.
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Thank you for this post :) I feel you completely, my sense of trust is completely shot right now and I appreciate you sharing your story so much!!

I have no idea how to get there either.
 
Fade away. Do not leave yourself open to new dings. Closure is something you give yourself. Not something you get from him.

In time you will feel better.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Obviously he wants to have casual sex but feels he has to lie about it, as many people who seek casual sex feel they have to. Such a shame when people are made to feel they have to hide such desires due to the negative opinions of others, because people always attempt to pathologise their desires. It really sucks. Especially when those others are under no obligation to indulge in casual sex themselves. It's not that it's right that he lied, but you can understand why; one isn't really wholly supported by any "community" or "lifestyle" for simply wanting MOAR SEX. That's a shame too.
 
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