Crushing on a Mono - Complex Situation

[Arius]

I'm falling for a friend.

She was dating another friend of mine, monogamously. They broke up briefly, but then started seeing each other more casually again, without really putting a label on things. I feel like there might be a small window here for me to express how I feel.

Should be open with her and/or him about my feelings?

I like to be open and honest about these things.

I really don't want to pine over her for years until she breaks up with my friend, only to find out that she's never been interested in me. I don't want to sit around covertly hoping that my two friends break up so I can have my shot. I just want to know how she feels. And I want her to know how I feel. If it's not reciprocated, I can mope around for a while and get over it.

BUT

What if I tell her and I screw up my friendship with her and/or him? It's a big risk.

Should I talk to him first, if I do decide to go ahead with this, or leave him out of it?

I know it's a bad idea to even get involved with a monoamorous person, but she's so awesome. I feel like I could convert her. And possibly him as well. Ergh.

Thoughts?

I feel really confused and indecisive.

 

[Dagferi]

Respect their relationship and mind your own business. Don't be a cowboy just because you have a crush. It is selfish, self-centered, and wrong on many levels.

But polyamorous relationships with monogamous people can work.

 

[Marcus]

So a couple of your friends are dating each other, but are expressly not exclusive?

If they are explicit about the fact that they are not exclusive, then I don't see a problem in discussing it. However, you sound like you've got puppy love really bad, and I would be concerned that you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. You might try to take a few deep breaths, realize that the sun does not, in fact, rise and set between her labia, and try to look at it rationally.

Should be open with her and/or him about my feelings? I like to be open and honest about these things.

You asked the question.
You answered the question.

However, I would want to make sure that I wasn't poaching on a functional relationship. You should step back and do some introspection. Are you being self-centered and considering "stealing" someone's love from them? I don't believe in possessing loved ones, but many mono people do, and you wedging yourself in there could be considered a treacherous act.

... I feel like I could convert her. And possibly him as well.

Attempting to change someone's worldview so that you can get what you want from them is not the act of a friend.

 

[alibabe_muse]

I'm falling for a friend. She was dating another friend of mine, monogamously. They broke up briefly, but then started seeing each other more casually again, without really putting a label on things. I feel like there might be a small window here for me to express how I feel.

How do you know they haven't put a label on getting back together? If they both told you it's "casual," isn't it possible that they had some issues that caused the breakup but are trying to heal right now?

Don't be an interloper and don't assume. If she ever shows you she has an interest in you, then that might be the time to ask. But for now, let them heal and figure out what they want with each other.

 

[Ariakas]

If they were or are polyamorous, I would definitely say approach them. But she is monoamorous, so you would be attempting to poach. Keep in mind, just because they are casual, doesn't mean she will be non-monoamorous.

Also, have you ever brought up your ideas about polyamory in your life, or come out to them? That will be your tell on her interest in being non-monogamous. I am not saying this as a game, just simple information. You are looking at this from a non-mono point of view. They won't.

More than likely they are mono. If you swoop in, you will end up pissing him off, pushing her away, or pushing them both away, potentially. Or any combo of the three.

 

[Arius]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses!

This feels a lot clearer to me now.

I think I really just need to give up on her, unless she starts to express a lot more interest in me. Sadly, that might mean backing off a bit from a really enriching and enjoyable new friendship in order to protect my heart.

I think they both know I'm poly. It's not a secret. (I don't plan to have kids or a career, so I have no real reason to be in the closet.)

Marcus is right - it's manipulative and shitty to try to "convert" someone so that I can have what I want from them. Not to mention selfish.

Thanks again.

Arius.