Cumulative Rage from Past Traumas?

[GalaGirl]

I didn't expect you to explain what is so great about T here.

I was hoping you would take an assessment for yourself. You create your personal standard for who you allow to be around you or not and what "healthy relationship" means to you. Then when you evaluate, you find T either makes the cut or she doesn't.

Suffice it to say I've never been with anyone who is so completely compatible with me. I have a worldview that is far far outside of the mainstream. A worldview that puts me at odds with the vast majority of people, even in the poly community. Finding her was like finding a sasquatch or a unicorn. We fit. I am not eager to throw that away.

I mean this kindly, ok?

If you were completely compatible, you wouldn't be posting.

I could be wrong. But to me that above seems to say "I'm with T because before I was super lonely and not connecting with people before. I'm not willing to be alone and lonely at this time." Like anyone would do because anyone would stave off the lonely. It's not really about T herself. It just happens to be T right now.

You say you guys fit. Well, all sorts of people can fit -- but is that a healthy fit or not healthy fit?

That's more where I was trying to get at. You could do that assessment from that POV. Like... "Do T's behaviors and how she treats me live up to my personal standards for how I want to be treated in a heathy relationship? Yes or no?"

On top of that, she's a brilliant thinker with a huge heart and a powerful indomitable spirit. I admire her more than anybody I've ever met. My IQ puts me well into the gifted range; this is the first relationship I've been in where I am able to fully respect the intellect of my partner. I don't know how to explain what a gift that is.

That reads like "It's a relief to have a peer intellectually." I get that.

I'm not sure about the "huge heart" thing if she treats you like crap. That part you may have to reassess.

Maybe you don't want to respect or admire someone just because they are smart. Maybe the standard needs to be raised to "I respect and admire people who are smart AND treat people around them well."

Plus she challenges me and helps me grow in ways that I want to grow.
And the sex is great. And we cuddle lots. And I love her.

Ok, some plusses.

So yeah, she's kinda selfish and busy and has a drinking problem (which she owns and is working on, despite this recent relapse) and we don't see eye-to-eye on whether or not sexuality is sacred. But I'm not willing to flush this whole relationship down the toilet just because it isn't perfect.

It doesn't have to be perfect. Nobody is conflict free.

I do think a partner's could treat you how you want to be treated and could handle conflicts in a way you find acceptable before you to evaluate it as "a loving and healthy relationship I can thrive in."

Doesn't sound like you get that here.

I don't really get a clear sense of your personal standards or how you define "healthy relationship." I could be wrong.. but you seem to be willing to be in an unhealthy relationship to avoid being alone/lonely.

I do see where you do not enjoy how she doesn't take personal responsibility for her actions, tries to talk you out of your feelings, and avoids conflict resolution.

Last time I had to look for an apartment, I spent seven months searching before settling on something far less than ideal. Also, because I'm so poor, I have to live with other people. Living with T isn't the best, but I never know what I'm getting into living with others. Many of my past roomies have been a nightmare.

You seem to be saying you moved in because no better option was available... so I'm not even sure you want to be there to be there with T herself or because it was to avoid being homeless, avoid terrible quarters, avoid weird roomies, or what.

I get "better the devil I know, than one I don't." I wonder if that is what you are doing here? If so, call it what it is. Don't paint it in glossy colors and tell yourself stories. (If you are doing that here. I cannot tell.)

What this conversation has helped me to realize is that I don't want to live with an alcoholic.

Glad you have come to that realization. I think your plan to move out is a good one. Will give you time and space on your own, free from all the UGH, and you can better enforce your personal boundaries in your own spaces.

I appreciate the nudge though, and am looking into alternative support groups that won't infuriate me. (Because of my health, it will probably have to be online/virtual.)

I also think your plan to get help with codependent habits is a good one so you can be more assertive and stand on your own feet better.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

Hi Arius,
Just in case you still check this thread or get notifications of new posts, I thought I'd share a link I just found to a secular organization that is geared toward helping alcoholics stop drinking, apparently without any reference to god or religious beliefs.

It is called Secular Organizations for Sobriety and a list of current meetings, which it seems are set up and run by local volunteers, can be found by searching here:

http://www.sossobriety.org/#find-a-meeting-section

I don't know anything about them, having just discovered their website. Maybe it's worth investigating. All the best to you...

 

[FallenAngelina]

To nycindie's very helpful posts about secular approaches to codependency, I'll add this resource for agnostic and atheist readers and participants in this discussion.