Curious how others do a V-triad relationship

BelleInconnue

BelleInconnue

New member
Hi there,

I'm in a V-triad with my boyfriend and his wife. The wife and I are just friends. I live about an hour away from them at the moment because of my work situation, but plan on moving closer in the near future.

I get to see my beloved probably once a week. This is acceptable to me, because logistically, for the time being, it is all we can manage. However, I know once I am living closer to them, my beloved and I will see each other more often, which I am really looking forward to.

I know it will be a balancing act, because, in addition, he and his wife have 2 children under the age of 10, so time management will always be a factor.

I'm just wondering from those of you in successful V-triads (and I guess I am addressing the "hinge" member here), how do you manage your time between your two loves so that everyone feels satisfied? I'm new to poly and am curious. Thanks!
 
It depends on the individuals. People who "do poly" because they need company all the time, or don't like being alone, are poorly suited to it, IMO. People who are very independent and enjoy alone time (by themselves) are better suited to it. This is taking for granted that everybody is not going to spend all their time together, even if they all live together. And you have to consider that the hinge person also needs alone time by themselves.

Are you a person who values your own company and personal space to a great degree, or not?
What about his wife?
What about him?

You could run into problems if there is some sort of "couple privilege" going on.
You said that you and the wife are friends. How?
Did you know her before?
Does she date other people?
Does she have any say in the times, places, etc., that you spend with him?
Does he need to check with her before he can make plans with you?
Do you all hang out together?

I can certainly imagine someone in your position feeling like they are not getting "their share" of time. You need to be honest and realistic with yourself, and so do they. If there's any sort of competition going on, you need to identify that, and figure out a way to stop it, and get everyone on the same page.
 
BelleInconnue said:
I'm in a V-triad with my boyfriend and his wife. The wife and I are just friends. I live about an hour away from them at the moment because of my work situation but plan on moving closer in the near future. I get to see my beloved probably once a week. This is acceptable to me because logistically, for the time being, it is all we can manage. However, I know once I am living closer to them, my beloved and I will see each other more often, which I am really looking forward to. I know it will be a balancing act... he and his wife have 2 children under the age of 10, so time management will always be a factor. I'm just wondering from those of you in successful V-triads (and I guess I am addressing the "hinge" member here), how do you manage your time between your two loves so that everyone feels satisfied?
Click to expand...

I am the hinge between my boyfriend and husband. My husband and boyfriend are friendly, but that is about it.

My time is split 60/40 most weeks. I see my boyfriend on most of his days off. I will go spend that time with him alone at his house, if my husband is available to watch our sons. If Butch is working, then Murf comes and spends the night here (if a school day), or we (the kids and I) go to his house.

I do not play the hierarchy game. I love both men equally.

For example, this week, I probably won't get to see Murf until Friday evening. He is off today and tomorrow. But I am feeling beat up after a bad food allergy episode, so while I would usually want to see him, I am kind of blah. The kids and I will go spend this weekend at his house.

Next week, Butch is off Tues and Wednesday. Murf is off Wednesday and Thursday. So I will go over there Wednesday solo. Murf works that weekend. He is off Mon and Tues, so he will come see me one of those days. He is off that weekend, and so is Butch, so he will watch the kids so we can get some solo time over a long weekend.

My kids are 6 and 10. Summer will make things easier, because the kids schedules won't have to be taken into account. But my relationship is kind of weird, because my kids know who Murf is to me.
 
Last edited:
That reminds me-- I don't have a problem with time management, because everyone in my "group" is pretty independent and flexible. We are all around the same age and none of us have small children to attend to. That helps a little, I suppose.
 
I am definitely a person who likes my "alone time" and independence, and I know my beloved likes and needs his "me" time (like we all do), and his wife, as well. We hang out together sometimes, and get along great as a group. But more often than not, I have alone time with my beloved, and he has his family time with wife and kids. We are hoping in the future to have more of both types of time. I'd like to develop my friendship with his wife. She is very fond of me, as well.

I did not know his wife before. We met when my beloved and I got together and hit it off right away. We hang out as a group sometimes at their house. She has told me she is happy to have me as part of their family.

My beloved does check with her before making plans with me, because he feels his first priority is to the family unit, being that he has kids, and they have been together for a long time, which I understand. He has responsibilities. However, she is very accommodating about allowing us to have our time and space together.

I don't sense any competition going on. Yes, they have more time together, for sure, because, as I said, I don't live nearby at the moment. So that is something I look forward to being different. We have talked and we envision spending a good deal more time together, though not "50/50." His wife says she is not willing to do that, which, in a way, makes me sad, but I also understand, being that there are 2 kids involved. They don't know about our situation, and are not going to know about it until they are older (the decision made by their parents), and due to responsibilities in their relationship that predate me by many years. I do get along well with both kids. They like me a lot. To them, I'm just a good friend of the family. They like having me over.

Thanks for your input. Are you living with your wife and other lover(s), or just living with your wife?

Living together isn't an option for us, due to my beloved's wife not wanting her family to know about us, which I understand.

It's a tricky situation, but worth it in the end, I think. I don't mind living by myself and just having my beloved come over to spend time with me. In fact, I might prefer it that way, as I am sure there are many potential obstacles to living together as a triad. 3 different people trying to coexist peacefully and happily under the same roof could be quite a challenge, I guess!
 
Thanks for your input, Dagferi! I think it is great that you try so hard to split your time as evenly as possible between your husband and your boyfriend. I like the fact that you don't seem to have a primary and a secondary. They seem to both be primaries. We don't like those hierarchical terms, either. It's just the circumstances that make it seem like we are in a hierarchy, I think.

I am so glad to have found this forum and to see people living in the way we are striving to live.
 
I live with my Spouse, together 13 years, married 10. We each have one other steady partner. Spouse spends about probably half their time at our place and half at the other partner's place. I only see my other partner a few times a year; they live alone. Spouse's other partner lives with some roommates.
 
I haven't any practical experience to contribute, so I'm a little hesitant about jumping in here, but I did notice one thing that maybe ought to be brought up.

BelleInconnue said:
We hang out together sometimes, and get along great as a group. But more often than not, I have alone time with my beloved, and he has his family time with wife and kids.
Click to expand...

Sometimes in talking about the time the hinge spends with each partner, people who don't have little kids forget that "family time" and "spouse date/romantic/sexy time" aren't the same thing. If family togetherness time has to come out of the share devoted to the parental spouse, that person might be (is probably) getting way less actual date/romantic/sexy time than it may look like to the non-parenting partner. Mommies and Daddies need alone time with their beloveds too! Just something to keep in mind...
 
Sorry I am a little late on this. I just check in every couple of months. I am the hinge between my husband Roger and boyfriend Dane. I would say we are very successful and can give you some hope for an even more fulfilling future. I have read your other post wishing you could be more with him.

Dane was my high-school sweetheart, so we had some past, but our poly story started with 3 years of still being in love "over the phone" as Roger wasn't ready for us to see each other in person. Dane lived a few hours away. Then we had 4 years of only getting to spend one weekend a month together, due to the distance. But that has progressed, and for the past 2 1/2 years we've all been living together. :)

As for living together, with children ages 13 and 11, and requiring that Roger's parents and the neighborhood don't know the dynamics, the economy has helped us there. It is more common than you might think for people to take in a roommate. People don't suspect a thing (or at least don't show they suspect, and still let their kids come over for sleepovers, etc.). We say, "Our friend rents the in-law suite in our house." That might be an option for you guys, as well. You could all move into a house that is big enough for everyone, with an "in-law suite" you could rent from them, giving you some personal space, but also able to be a bigger part of the family.

My 13-year old figured things out, but the 11-year old doesn't know. So my alone time with Dane is still a bit limited. We get an hour and a half Mon-Thurs mornings and then Fridays until 3 when school is in. When it is out, it is more tricky!

To be honest, Roger lost his sex drive years ago, at a very young age. He refuses testosterone treatment. So we are only physically intimate once a month or so. But in every other way, we are a normal loving couple. We cook dinner together. We take baths together. We go on dates. We share the same bed, except for a few nights per month. When we are in public, his is the arm I am hung on, but Dane walks closely on my other side. Roger and Dane have become best friends, and actually spend a lot of time together doing guy things, even when I don't feel like tagging along.

They are both straight.

Dane is an important part of our family now. He can't imagine ever having to live without us. Roger and I wouldn't want to live without him.

As for your other post, I often go through phases where I am feeling girlie, and am a little sad that I can never marry Dane and be his wife in a more traditional way. I love him so deeply and would love to proclaim that to the world! But the mood eventually settles and I am grateful for the full and wonderful life that I have.

This past Christmas, Dane and I got matching wedding bands to symbolize our lifelong commitment to each other. He wears his on his ring finger to show he is taken. I wear mine on a different finger, since I already have a wedding band from Roger. Dane takes his ring off if we are around people we really don't want to suspect anything.

All in all, it's a beautiful life!
 
Kella said:
Talking about the time the hinge spends with each partner, people who don't have little kids forget that "family time" and "spouse date/romantic/sexy time" aren't the same thing. If family togetherness time has to come out of the share devoted to the parental spouse, that person might be (is probably) getting way less actual date/romantic/sexy time than it may look like to the non-parenting partner. Mommies and Daddies need alone time with their beloveds too.
Click to expand...

We all live together. I'm the hinge. The guys (husband Maca and bf GG) are *sort of* friends, but mostly just acquaintances, like in how they relate to one another.

We've lived together for 10 years and are raising kids. There were 5 kids at one time, but only 2 are left at home now. We also have grandkids in the mix. In fact, Little Pea will be here for the next week because his Mommy is at the hospital having the newest grandbaby.

We all see each other every day, which is preferable to me. There was a time we had different homes and I still made a point of at least seeing each of them every day. There was a year GG lived apart and there was a year that Maca lived apart.

But as for romantic/date/sexy time, that is harder to come by with both of them working full time, me in school, kids at home, etc. I usually sleep in Maca's bed until he leaves for work, then go finish my sleep in GG's room. Maca works early in the am. GG works evening/nights. But that is almost always SLEEP time, in both cases.

We schedule a date each week, usually, to go out, meaning I get two dates, but that isn't always possible.

We are much more focused on being a family, as a group, and enjoying raising the kids, knowing that when they are all out of the house there will be more free time.

All of the kids/grandkids/extended families/friends/coworkers, etc., are fully aware. We are not in any way in the closet. That helps a lot.
 
I am the hinge. DH and I live together with our children. DC is long distance, so I don't see him much. However, DH and I have discussed it, and he knows I just cannot put a hierarchy on feelings. DH is my primary or anchor, or however you want to say it, because our relationship is more entwined. We've been together longer and have a family together. I prefer contact every day, so even if I don't see DC often, we text, Skype, and IM every day.

While, as a poly family, we are in the closet in some ways, because of jobs and such, in most ways we are not. The kids are always aware and actually like DC. It's easier that way, because there's no worry about not saying or doing things around the kids (at least anything I'd do with DH!).
 
Thanks so much for all the helpful replies! It's very nice to hear positive reports of V relationships going well.

Gr8xpectations, thank you for the positive report of how well your V is going. It gives me hope that maybe eventually living together could work out, even while our parents are still around. :) I'm so happy for you that your life is fulfilling.

My beloved and I have talked, and he has assured me that once I am able to move closer, he fully intends to see me every day (barring unforeseen events). I think having a long-distance relationship is part of the issue, rather than polyamory, however, it is one we are working on solving as soon as my work contract is up.

Will keep you all informed on how things continue to progress!

With gratitude,
BelleInconnue :)
 
I am the "hinge" in our cohabitating MFM V, married to MrS for 17 years, living together for 20. The boys were best friends before Dude and I got together. He was already spending many days/nights here before we got together.

For the first 6 months or so, I did have anxiety associated with "balancing" between the two. Now it is much more natural. They tend to have different needs at different times, so things can be "fair" without necessarily being "equal."

We don't have kids, so that is one less complication for us.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top