Current problem I could use some help on.

[mrenze]

This summer I opened up my current relationship to poly. I have in turn started a relationship with another and my primary has a new playmate.

My problem, goes something like this:

My Primary thinks she needs to be a close friend to my secondary. My Secondary simply won't do this or can't becuase of past relationship issues or emotions. This has now become a true impasse. Between the 2 of them, I feel they are just being truly pig-head and can not come together on this. We all have fears and have issues that seem to be making this just blow up.

My Primary has decided the best way to deal with her fears is to add more stringent boundaries with added consequences. My Secondary has decided to just not be willing to confront her fears or just becomes all emotional about it.

Can someone help me with their experience on this issue, or issues like this?

 

[london]

Ok, this is down to you. I'm going to tell you what i would do and why.

First, I'd explain to my primary that my secondary is under no obligation to be anything other than civil to her. That there will probably never be a time when they are friends and that she has to accept that. I would shun any sort of obstacles she attempts to put in the way of my secondary relationship and tell her that it's simply not happening.

I would then explain to my secondary that whilst i respect that she doesn't want to hang with my primary, I do expect her to be able to share a space civilly when necessary and that my primary perhaps has her email address or phone number so she can contact her (reasonably).

I want both people to understand that both of their feelings and needs are valid, but neither are going to ruin my relationship with the other.

 

[YouAreHere]

Here's one I actually have a bit of experience with, from your secondary's side (although the vee I'm in isn't a pri/sec model).

My metamour wanted very much to be close friends - sisterly, BFFs, that type of thing. We would (the three of us) get together regularly to talk about issues within the relationship (it was new to all of us) and work through them, and she felt that since I'm opening up verbally, I must be desiring a close friendship with her.

Except I wasn't.

For me, talking about that stuff was necessary, and I wasn't laying my heart out in front of her for any other reason. She got mixed signals from that.

Not saying that your situation is similar, but getting into some background for the motivation here. Your primary's motivation may be different.

I basically had to tell my metamour to back off. That we were friends beforehand, yes, but casual friends. Not BFFs. We never "clicked" that way, and with the pressure to have that type of relationship, it felt forced and probably would NEVER click that way. I didn't like every single get-together with my metamour as a milestone toward a goal ("Are we besties yet?") and hearing that she's feeling a distance from me when I'm off doing other things. It felt too clingy and too much like, because I was in a relationship with P, I needed to be close to her too. I'd much rather pick my own friends, thankyouverymuch.

If I were your secondary, it wouldn't be fear holding me back from being close to your primary, but annoyance. Maybe she's afraid to say anything?

If they're cordial and friendly, then what more do you all need? Forcing a friendship never works, and for me, it just made me want to back off more.

FWIW, my metamour and I are on friendly terms, occasionally get together without our partner (but not often), and without the pressure, it works.

Good luck to you all. I'm not trying to sound like a grouch here, but I still remember that period well, and it makes the whole relationship difficult when this type of thing is happening.

 

[IndieSolo]

Where did your Primary get the idea that she has a right to boss your Secondary around? Jeez, if I were your Secondary, I'd seriously reconsider being in a relationship with you for allowing that kind of immature crap to be directed at me.

 

[Inyourendo]

Where did your Primary get the idea that she has a right to boss your Secondary around? Jeez, if I were your Secondary, I'd seriously reconsider being in a relationship with you for allowing that kind of immature crap to be directed at me.

Yep. How absurd! Being forced into some.kind.of friendship isn't very endearing.

 

[kdt26417]

I agree with the others: Forced friendship is never a good thing, and usually makes things worse. Your Primary needs to back off, though I might like london's post best; your Secondary should act civilly towards your Primary and share some basic info and agreements.

My dad is married to someone who is very bossy and very socially clueless. As a result, she wants to essentially force her BFF friendship on all of my dad's kids and their spouses. She just pushes and pushes and doesn't understand why everyone backs away. In my defense I'll note that my mom is married to someone who I quite like. My mom's husband offers mild-mannered acceptance towards those around him and doesn't try to enforce his ideals and will onto other people. Which is precisely why he is liked by my mom's kids.

Just had to mention that, given how much your Primary's notions remind me of my "stepmother." (Bleah, dislike even calling her that.) Yes, friendship per se is a good thing and friendship between poly metamours is generally recommended -- but not without exceptions to the rule. If one metamour just isn't feeling it, they can't fake it (IMO).