Currently in an open relationship, but wanting poly

NeverMoreMonkey

NeverMoreMonkey

New member
I personally feel like I've been poly for the last five years, but never really discussed it. Once I began dating my now husband I let it drop. However, I don't feel like monogamy is for me. :confused:

My husband and I are both 25. We have been discussing open relationships for the last year or so. A few months ago, we transitioned into an open relationship. (He hasn't acted on this yet. He's more saving it for out of town.) Our rules were/are "Don't ask don't tell." This feels uncomfortable because it creates lying by omission, in my opinion, not saying who or when.

Also, part of the parameter we set was no committed relationships outside of ours.

I'm starting to feel differently about the relationship part. I'm not the kind of person who likes to have flings. And being married with a child in a small town of 9000, you have to trust the person enough not to go saying things to everyone.

I have a friend with whom I have been intimate a few times now. I really enjoy his company. I'm not in love with him, but I would like to date him, not just be FWBs. I know he feels the same way.

I don't know how to introduce this idea to my husband. I don't want to leave my husband. I want him to be my #1 partner, and also have a boyfriend to share different experiences with. I'm terrified that if I bring this up to my husband that he will shut down, or not be ok with me seeing my friend anymore if I bring up specifics. I don't want to lose this other person.

I grew up with a mom and step-dad who were polyamorous. It worked for them. I see it as completely normal. I don't think it takes away from the other partner, as long as there's trust.

Any suggestions or personal experiences would be appreciated. I don't know anyone poly (except my parents), and theirs crashed and burned after bringing in a permanent gf.

TL; DR: my husband and I have an open relationship. We're allowed to have "romps." I'd like to move into a polyamorous relationship and have a long term bf too. I don't know how to approach the topic with my husband without creating hurt, jealousy, or losing my friend.
 
I assume your husband knows your parents' relationship status? How has he reacted to that?
 
Yeah, I would suggest asking your husband how he feels about polyamory in general before breaking the news that you want to become polyamorous. But you'll still have to break that news soon. Sometimes people need time to process new information, so don't lose all hope if he reacts negatively at first.
 
If your husband has specified a limit regarding non-monogamy, such as "sex only," accept that choice and deal with it, or move on.
 
Sorry for the long wait. I hate using my phone to reply, so just waited until I had time for the computer.

The only limits we had specified before were tentative to the idea of having an open relationship at all. They weren't demands or ultimatums. We just wanted to be sure we didn't hurt each other's feelings.

We actually stumbled into a conversation about the polyamorous idea. (He actually brought it up!) Very long story short, he already considers me to be I'm dating my friend. He knows this friend will keep me safe, and is good to our children. I told him out of the pool of people I've considered, he is in it for a potential bf, and that I enjoy his company very much.

My husband okayed me dating one person. He agreed that having feelings and a relationship are ok. He still isn't comfortable with the idea of having a hinge relationship, or doing things together as a group (date night, or watching a movie all together, taking the kids out to the park all together). I'm ok with that. I don't want to rush him into something he's not comfortable with. It is a nice dream though ^.^

He still doesn't want to know if we are doing things intimately, but he is ok with it. I feel a lot better knowing I can treat this person as special to me also.

My husband has been fabulous and understanding.

Going from, in the past, having a bf who accused me of cheating on him, because he had a dream where I kissed someone else (and expected me to apologize for his dream!), to having a husband who trusts me, and trusts that he is still the number one in my heart, no matter what, is fantastic!

Sorry if my posts are too long. I babble in person, and I babble through my fingers!
 
Also, as far as my parents go, he knows and is ok with how their relationship worked out. Unfortunately, they are no longer together. (My step-dad is still with the girlfriend though.) Honestly, I think a lot of that was because of my mother's mental illness being in a very rough spot at the time. Her perception of reality, and how others were treating her, and being treated by her, was a very warped thing. It's sad that it broke.

My husband had the rare luxury of having two parents who stayed throughout his life. I guess his mom had 2-3 affairs and it almost ripped them apart, so his experience with a married couple sleeping with others wasn't that great. But he knows that that was a completely different situation.
 
Just another note, I appreciate the positive to negative ratio of replies. I also asked a poly forum on reddit and a lot of people decided that I was betraying my husband because of what he forbade (which he didn't), and that I was just trying to cheat on him with his permission.

You can't help approaching something one way, and finding out it doesn't work the way you were thinking, or that another way may be better. You can't possibly know what the outcome is.
 
NeverMoreMonkey said:
My husband okayed me dating one person, and that having feelings and a relationship are ok. He still isn't comfortable with the idea of having a hinge relationship or doing things together as a group (date night, or watching a movie all together, taking the kids out to the park all together). I'm ok with that. I don't want to rush him into something he's not comfortable with. It is a nice dream though.
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If you have a V, I think you'[re going to have a hinged relationship by default. Doing things together as a group is not a requirement of any poly relationship, though I think it's excellent to work towards that. I find I have an intense desire to have all my loved ones together, preferably under the same roof, but as all my loved ones may not share this desire, I doubt it will ever happen. And it might be very destructive if it did.

It's good to determine boundaries and comfort levels, and it sounds like you're doing that. Don't forget to do that with the potential BF, too.
 
Sounds like things are working out so far. Small steps at a time, that's the key.
 
KerryRen said:
If you have a V, I think you're going to have a hinged relationship by default. Doing things together as a group is not a requirement of any poly relationship, though I think it's excellent to work toward. I find I have an intense desire to have all my loved ones together, preferably under the same roof, but as all my loved ones may not share this desire, I doubt it will ever happen. And it might be very destructive if it did.

It's good to determine boundaries and comfort levels, and it sounds like you're doing that. Don't forget to do that with the potential BF, too.
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I was under the impression that a hinged relationship was when not everyone is intimate with each other, and one person is a hinge between the other two, not dependent on gender. Maybe I'm just confused. lol.

I'd love to have us all doing things together. I know it's not a requirement, but it just sounds nice! And you're right, it very could well end up being destructive.

kdt26417: I think they are. Small steps, small steps, small steps.
 
Re: the word "hinge" ... it is standard poly parlance that a hinge is a person in a (three-person) V. The hinge is romantically involved with both other people in the V, but those two people (the legs/arms/ends of the V) are only platonically associated with each other.

If all three people in the group are romantically involved with each other, then there is no "hinge person" and the whole group is (usually) called a "triad" ("triangle" and "delta" are also used). This concludes your terminology lesson for today. :)

I hope you, your friend, and your husband blossom into a lovely V and that Polyamory.com can lend a hand in getting you there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Haha, well there is the expression "V day" which also means something a bit different.
 
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