Daily struggles- This is my story

[Greasytamales]

So I have been with my gf for almost two years now. And I struggle as all of us involved in the situation to understand and thrive in our relationship dynamic.

I would like to start from the beginning though of how this all started as a kind of cathartic awakening of finally jumping in to expressing myself to like minded people. Who hopefully will show support and have good advice rather than shun and make me feel bad about trying to be in this type of relationship. So I will start from the beginning.

My gf and I met at a bar when she was visiting sf. It was a random chance encounter, but there was an undeniable connection that left us both wanting more. In the beginning there wasn't much talk about where we were going and what we considered each other. I had just got out of a relationship and was in no way looking for another so soon. And she elusively just said her life was complicated and I should not fall in love with her. I agreed to that idea as I thought at the time I wasn't ready and wanted to be single for awhile. We had a blissful few months of dating we got to know each other as deeply as one could in such a short time. All the while I did start to feel like I was falling hard for here as she was for me. During this time we decided to go away together for gay pride. It again was magical and we came to see things in each other that we had never found in another partner. I had probably been in love at that point but I hadn't allowed myself to say it. So after this wonderful little trip we are talking and I ask why she can't be with me. I ask why everytime when I ask why her life is so complicated she avoids the subject. But I can't take it anymore, its been months and I've fallen for her super hard. Finally she reveals to me she is in fact in another relationship. My heart at that point sunk and I think it was then that I knew I has foolishly fallen in love. A little later it is also revealed the other relationship she is in is with a man. Big shocker to me as she has only ever talked about being with woman including me.

So that was where this all started. I did continue to date her but obviously with the hopes that the other relationship wasn't serious enough and I could "win her heart". That was a foolish notion and I know that know. So long story short from there was a serious break-ups and make-ups. Me not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is already in one. But not being able to stay away from her because our connection is so deep that I would always eventually come back. Also during this time of ups and downs I had no idea who her other partner was. I did my due diligence to find out as much as I could because she was being very sneaky and elusive with the information which led to a lot of broken promises and hurt feelings on my part.

Eventually I did find out who it was. It was someone she had allowed me to spend time with in group settings and had not revealed who he was even though he knew who I was. I did once again break things off with her after that news was revealed. He was dismayed because he thought we would be best friends after I found out. He thought cause we shared her we could share a friendship. Well that was not what I wanted. So after a time of me being upset I did come back to her.

During this time we had even more ups and downs with figuring boundaries and scheduling and all the things I thought and had read one must do in a ploy relationship. I even spent several months going on more dates and meeting more people than I ever had to start a relationship with like she had to make it "fair". I did come to find that that is just not me. I am a monogamous person and chooses to share my love and care for one person only.

This relationship is and I'm sure continues to be a constant struggle for me. I love my gf beyond a doubt. I do unfortunately find myself struggling between wanting to stay and work on things to wanting to leave because this was never the lifestyle I wanted.

So I find myself here on this site. looking for like minded people with the same struggles or same fears as me. I am looking for a community that can share heartfelt unbiased advice with out constantly making me feel like Im in a horrible relationship because they don't understand it. I Want to post on here the newest angry fights or wonderful discussions me and my gf have. I want to find support in people who also struggle with there partner leaving on vacation with someone else and trying to occupy your time with other things and trying not to be hurt that its not you.

I won't lie I struggle with this idea and lifestyle choice everyday. But i have been willing to learn and try and make the right decisions to make my relationship work. Because at this point the GOOD does outweigh the bad.

Thanks

 

[Leetah]

Welcome GT. I think you have come to the right place. There is a lot of understanding here for monos and polys trying to be together. If you have not already done searches for the topics that interest you, you should. There is a lot to be found. A number of the bloggers here are in mono/poly relationships, some in relationships with actively bisexual partners as well, so if you look around in the life stories area you will see how they have dealt with the ups and downs.

Leetah

 

[Bluebird]

Welcome! I am so sorry you struggle. I am a poly person with not just one mono partner, but 3. (They're mono so far as they haven't tried poly dating yet.) It's a struggle for me sometimes but the rewards are way worth it.

 

[Greasytamales]

Thank you Leetah I appreciate your kindness and understanding. This is exactly the support and helpfulness I am looking for. I have looked through this forum site but only quickly so far. So thank you for leading me to where I would find topics that most come up for me.

Blue bird I don't know how you do it, that is a lot of partners. But these are the kinds of stories and experiences I need and want to hear so I not only feel more knowledgeable, but also not alone in having this type of relationship. I appreciate your kind words and yes I have stayed in my relationship because the rewards and the love from my gf have been worth it

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Greasytamales,

I see that you have difficulties and struggles with trying to adapt to a polyamorous relationship (where you yourself remain monogamous). I sympathize. I am one of the males in an MFM V relationship, so, I know how it is to share one's partner with someone else. At the same time, you and I are different people; much of your experience will be unique to you.

I'll be glad to provide any feedback and insight I can think of, and, you have my word, I'll be gentle. I think you'll find that most of the members here will be sympathetic towards you.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I mean this kindly -- ok? It might be hard to hear.

Let me lift these up...

she elusively just said her life was complicated and I should not fall in love with her.

she was being very sneaky and elusive with the information which led to a lot of broken promises and hurt feelings on my part.

Finally she reveals to me she is in fact in another relationship. My heart at that point sunk and I think it was then that I knew I has foolishly fallen in love. A little later it is also revealed the other relationship she is in is with a man. Big shocker to me as she has only ever talked about being with woman including me.

She does not sound especially honest and forthright. She led you to believe one thing while it was really another.

Is this a trustworthy person? Are these good foundations for a relationship?

I am a monogamous person and chooses to share my love and care for one person only.

If you are monogamous, you enjoy 1:1 relationship models. How does you choosing to put you in a 1:1:1 model help you go for your preferences?

find myself struggling between wanting to stay and work on things to wanting to leave because this was never the lifestyle I wanted.

If she's not honest, up front, and trustworthy? If this is her character? I do not think that is anything you can work on. SHE chooses her behavior. SHE chooses if she's going to behave elusive and sneaky and keep breaking promises or not. All you can do it control your "stayingness" -- whether you want to be around this behavior or not. You don't sound like you like it.

You also don't especially like that she has the other BF -- you had hoped to win her away from him but that's not happening.

You keep talking about a deep connection you feel toward her. But her behavior doesn't sound like she's got a deep connection toward you -- not if she's behaving poorly and breaking promises.

This relationship is and I'm sure continues to be a constant struggle for me.

I struggle with this idea and lifestyle choice everyday. But i have been willing to learn and try and make the right decisions to make my relationship work. Because at this point the GOOD does outweigh the bad.

IME, relationships don't have to be chronic struggle. Why keep going against the grain?

It's admirable you want to do you share and hold up your end of the responsibility sticks. But you seem to want to ignore that she doesn't especially seem to hold her end of the sticks up with the sneaky elusive stuff. When she doesn't pull her weight, what's your likely outcome?

So long story short from there was a serious break-ups and make-ups. Me not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is already in one.

Well, she's still in the other one.

Have you considered that the "right decision to make my relationships work" might be to break it off and stay away? And be ok letting that "deep connection" fade? Choose more compatible partner next time? Your relationships don't have to include her.

Are you bending into pretzels just to keep the relationship going here rather than considering what is healthiest for the people in the relationship? What is healthiest for YOU?

Being in a polyamorous relationship is not horrible. I am sorry if your friends are making it out to be that way.

But if what your friends are worried about is that you have taken up with an elusive sneak that breaks promises and hurts you while you were on the rebound? And that you have tried to break up several times? You could listen to the people close to you that have your well being in mind.

IME, relationships don't have to be THIS hard.

Galagirl

 

[Greasytamales]

Thank you galagirl for your thoughtful response, you do make some good points.

My post as was stated was a cathartic opening for me, but in now way expresses what it is like now. This elusiveness on her end which led to me being hurt was all in the beginning of us starting out. She has grown as I have to come to understand who we are and what we want, which includes each other. Yes it is is still rocky but what relationship deosnt have ups and downs.

Also my gf had previously never been in a poly relationship before. When she met me she had only vaguely discussed it with her boyfriend because he is also in another committed relationship. So when I came in to the picture it was her first time trying to be with two people and no she didn't do it the right way in the beginning because she thought she would lose me if i knew everything. But obviously that was the wrong way to go about it and we have worked through these issues.

We have worked on bettering our communication and setting boundaries so both our needs our met. I know I say I find this a daily struggle and I get hurt sometimes. But I'm in no way am I being a marty or simply trying to hold up my end of the bargain, I know if It really isn't going to work then I can leave when needed. But a lot of the things i feel as I have learned in therapy is my insecurities of not feeling chosen and feeling threatened. I know she loves me just in a different way than him. And its not just said in words but in actions. I know what I am doing and I am choosing this path with her. I know who she is and that even if it wasn't her current partner that she has it would be someone else. I am learning to except this part of her because she has learned to except all of me. Im on here to write when I am struggling with issues or just simply hurt or confused about a dynamic in the relationship. I know relationships don't have to be super hard but in no way are relationships ever easy.

 

[tenK]

Can I ask whether you are still long-distance with her? (you said you met when she was visiting san fransisco, where I assume you live)

 

[FallenAngelina]

Yes it is is still rocky but what relationship doesn't have ups and downs. ..... I find this a daily struggle ....a lot of the things i feel as I have learned in therapy is my insecurities of not feeling chosen and feeling threatened. .... I know what I am doing and I am choosing this path with her. ..... I know relationships don't have to be super hard but in no way are relationships ever easy.

Just offering my experience with many relationships and a 16 year marriage: Good and lasting relationships generally feel good going in and remain that way all along. If a relationship is a struggle out of the gate, it's gonna be a struggle most of the way. There are people we gravitate toward because they specifically do bring out an issue that we can work on ("not feeling chosen") and it's fruitful to work on our insecurities within these intimate experiences, but it's not true that relationships are never easy. There are definitely long lasting, easy relationships (bumps, yes: struggle, no) and those feel "easy" right from the start. There are different relationships for different aspects in ourselves. Some people offer relationships specifically so that we can struggle and come to new insights. Other people offer relationships that feel "at home" and "easy." That all relationships are a struggle is just not true and you generally can tell which is which right from the start.

 

[Tinwen]

Just offering my experience with many relationships and a 16 year marriage: Good and lasting relationships generally feel good going in and remain that way all along.

Sorry to be off topic: FallenAngelina, what do you think about relationships, that start out easy and go easy, but become a struggle? I.e. monogamous relationships being nice and comfortable until one of the pair falls in love with someone else?
My experience of course, I just would like to know how it fits into your scheme.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Sorry to be off topic: FallenAngelina, what do you think about relationships, that start out easy and go easy, but become a struggle? I.e. monogamous relationships being nice and comfortable until one of the pair falls in love with someone else?
My experience of course, I just would like to know how it fits into your scheme.

This more or less describes my marriage and I would say that the basic relationship is still pretty "easy" in that we communicate and live together just as well as ever. The marriage has become a struggle only because as I've matured, I have shifted from prioritizing autonomy over security. If someone falls in love with another, there are some pretty long standing reasons for that and every person's reasons will be different, but what's true for everyone is that it doesn't just happen out of the blue. My experience is that individual priorities can change and affect a relationship but the basics of each relationship (or how the two people interact) does not. My husband and I are moving toward separation and it's not fun, but it's respectful and not a drama, so I'd call that "easy" and in keeping with how our relationship has always felt.

I'd guess that your basic communication style and your basic feelings about each other have not changed much, Tinwen, even though one of you is exploring other relationships - yes? Exploring new territory can definitely be a struggle but the way in which you interact probably feels pretty familiar. Or?

 

[Tinwen]

I'd guess that your basic communication style and your basic feelings about each other have not changed much, Tinwen, even though one of you is exploring other relationships - yes? Exploring new territory can definitely be a struggle but the way in which you interact probably feels pretty familiar. Or?

I was talking about my ex, we had something like two and a half years live-in relationship with never arguing (okey, I guess there have been things that should have been said and never were, but still I would say it was a pretty good relationship and our comunication during it was pretty peaceful and honest.), but when I fell in love there was half a year of quite heavy fighting, still honest definitelly not peaceful. One and a half year afterwards our comunication may indeed be as it was, but not during the period we were trying to stay together.

As for my current relationship with my polyamorous man, that tends to have ups and downs, sometimes it runs smoothly as we feel very close, and then at some point it explodes. I am unable to say which one is our "basic" communication style, probably both. I would really like to find out the mechanism for exploding, working on it just now.

Besides, I would say there was some development, as people do learn how to coommunicate. For example in the beginning of my current relationship scheduling really was an issue, but during the first few months he learned that I really need advanced notice and I became far more tollerant then before, not viewing change of plans as betrayal any more. You could argue that this is not basic style, but I do think there was a change in thinking and relating involved.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for clarifying.

You seem to be saying that she's improved her behaviors, is no longer sneaky or elusive, keeps her Word now, and no longer breaks promises.

I know I say I find this a daily struggle and I get hurt sometimes. But I'm in no way am I being a marty or simply trying to hold up my end of the bargain, I know if It really isn't going to work then I can leave when needed.

How will you know a line has been crossed? Have you articulated your deal breakers to yourself and to her?

If not, that could be an area to work on.

Galagirl

 

[Greasytamales]

Hello TenK, to answer your question no we are not in a long distance relationship. We moved in together which is an hour out of sf. Our relationship was progressing and it we both hated the commute to get to each other.

And thank you fallengelina for your insight I appreciate the sentiments you expressed. I do feel I am portraying and or explaining myself wrong. I am by no means a writer I am much better with my words in a person to person setting.

My relationship is not a daily struggle although I put it on here as the title and have repeated the title several times. Me and my gf are great together and know each other and can confide in each other better and more intimately than I have ever have in any relationship Ive ever been in. We are best friends and also girlfriends who adore each other and seek out ways to make the other happy. It is a struggle and not always easy to figure out and navigate a whole new spectrum of relationship that none of us have done before I.e. polyamory. Our relationship from the start between the two of us was magical and fulfilling but again for her it was hard to figure out how she could sustain two relationships so we could all be happy and in the know. But now that the relationship has progressed and she and I live together and share a family (2 dogs) it is definitely more of learning and rolling with the punches when things come up toward the poly side of the relationship. Like that her other person has needs that need met, its still hard for me to remember that Im not her only priority. But as long as my needs are being met too Im trying to be willing to compromise and get myself out of a negative headspace toward someone else that in the past I felt was a threat. Cause unlike some poly relationships me and her other person do know each other and have to see each other regularly but we are not friends, cordial but not friends. So that can be a struggle sometimes to have her leave to be with someone that I don't particularly like. And the reasoning behind it isn't just that he is her other person but we simply have personalities that don't match up. So the struggle I speak of is mostly around figuring out (with no road map or compass) how our particular poly relationship can and should work.

 

[FallenAngelina]

One and a half year afterwards our communication may indeed be as it was, but not during the period we were trying to stay together.

I'm just going on my own experience, but despite the downs (babies, young children, my more recent need for sexual autonomy) and the ups (pretty much everything else) my marriage feels much the same as it always has - even with the current emotional separation. Of course there can be changes for the better or the worse, but a relationship vibe is pretty much the same all along as it is going in. I don't know how else to describe it. People holding on, hoping things will "get better" when it's a rocky start - well, my experience is that "get better" is a very rare thing. Likewise, it's pretty hard to dismantle a basically good thing even in the face of significant personal changes.

My point is that all relationships are not a struggle to keep together. Sometimes people just come together and keep going and going and going and when it's right, they defy the tired old meme that "relationships take a lot of work."

 

[Tinwen]

My point is that all relationships are not a struggle to keep together. Sometimes people just come together and keep going and going and going and when it's right, they defy the tired old meme that "relationships take a lot of work."

I hope I will find a partner for life of that sort then

 

[tenK]

Thanks for explaining. The reason I asked if you were long-distance or not is because to my mind, the only way a relationship can work between someone who is polyamorous, and someone who is monogamous, is if the monogamous person is made a genuine priority in the poly person's life. It sounds like this is the case with you and her; you and she have a 'nesting' relationship, and presumably have long term plans for the future together. This is good!

It sounds like the things you struggle most with is a feeling of how things 'ought' to be, versus how they actually are in your own relationship. Like everyone, you've grown up with a standard model of relationships presented to you. Meaningful relationships are between heterosexuals, who are monogamous, who make their other the centre of their universe, who take the next step up the relationship escalator by getting married, buying a house together, having children that look like each of them, who go on to have grandchildren, who they spend time with when they reach retirement, where they grow beautifully old with only one life companion by their side. Along the way, because of who you are and things beyond your control, you've presumably come to challenge that vision. The obvious element being heterosexuality. You realised at some point that you were into women and not men, and you were able to change that part of the standard relationship model in your own mind to suit who you were and reflect your reality better. Perhaps you feel the same way about having children. Maybe you want to adopt. Maybe you don't want kids at all. Maybe you just want to see your lovers face reflected in your child. Maybe just your own.

My point is: not everyone CAN live the standard model, WANTS to live the standard model, or SHOULD live the standard model. As autonomous people, we get to pick and choose the relationship style that suits us best. If we couldn't let some parts of the standard model go through choice, then all of us LGBT people out there would be doomed to a lifetime of unhappiness and feeling like we 'ought' to not be with the ones we loved. That if only the gender of our partner was different and attractive to us, we would be happier. The (positive) reality of the situation is that we don't waste our lives wishing for these things. We accept these things about ourselves, we recognise that our love for others of the same-sex is no less real, no less valid, and no less nourishing than that of a heterosexuals love of their partner, and if anyone raises an eyebrow or tries to tell us we're not doing this relationship business right we give them the finger or get on with proving them wrong by just enjoying our lives. You rejected the shame and stigma associated with the heterosexual-only part of societies expectation about relationships. You can reject the shame and stigma associated with the monogamous-only part too. By which I mean, you clearly love your girlfriend, and she clearly loves you. Her having another love does not mean she loves you less, no matter what society says about what her actions 'mean'. Society doesn't know your girl, you do.

I just want to point out one other thing. My parents have been monogamous and happily married for over forty years. Have they spent every day together? Hell no. My dad worked abroad a lot when I was growing up. These days, it's my mum who travels away for work quite often. Do they have the same interests and hobbies? Some, yes, but mostly not. My mum is a bit of a socialite, my dad is an introvert. He had no problem whatsoever with her going out to parties every week without him. She has never had any problem with him heading out to the hills alone at the weekends (or with me in tow). I think that their marriage is stronger because they have managed to maintain their independence, and still be their own people within their relationship. They made a lot of time for them as a couple as well. They waited nine years before having kids, and then when they had me, from an early age they used to send me on amazing trips away every school holiday, either with family, or just solo.

Their level of independence is unusual for a couple. Rather than have their lives revolve around each other, their lives revolve around themselves. The most beautiful thing is that they make room for each other while they do that, because they genuinely love each other to excess. I feel very privileged to have witnessed it growing up. It has made me quite independent too, and I realise now, has given me a lot of the skills to cope with my own open relationship. Some of the struggles you describe (finding things to occupy yourself with when your girlfriend is away, etc) are things you would have to contend with if your partner were merely an independent creature like my mum or dad are. They are not unique to her being polyamorous. I know that emotionally you might feel more triggered and upset at the idea of her spending her time loving another, but I do believe that's partly a choice of what you focus on and partly to do with the core beliefs about how relationships 'ought' to be that has been handed to you from society. As I said above, I think you already know that what gets handed to you from society should not be accepted without question, and can be accepted and rejected in little parts (i.e. you don't have to throw it all out of the window and reject everything) depending on what your actual reality is. In terms of your focus on her other relationship and the time that takes away from you? I think you could learn to better control that. To realise that it's more an expression of your partners independent spirit, than polyamory. To realise that you are better served putting that energy and focus into making your own relationship with her even stronger than in comparing what she has with him to what you have with her.

I hope you figure out a way to become more at peace with your partner's other relationship. This forum and the people on it are a great resource. It sounds like you've already come a long way with her on this, and that you've both already overcome a lot of hurdles to be together. That means the strength of your relationship has been tested. I think you can safely say that your relationship with her is not some fragile thing that will crumble at the first sight of trouble, so trust that it will continue to be there offering you strength while you both work your insecurities and fear out with each other.

 

[Greasytamales]

Thank you TenK that was truly inspiring and thoughtful. Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading through it, its been a crazy holiday. But you have said everything Ive needed to hear and more. I hope I can find more of the inspiring things you write on this forum. Because that was genuinely insightful and unbiased and I am very thankful for your kind and insightful words.