Damaging behaviours dating vulnerability and wanting polyamory

H

harleyquinn

New member
I'm fairly new to actively pursuing polyamory and in the past 6 months have been dating. I'm in a long term relationship with a partner who is poly and very supportive. I've felt polyamorous for a long time, since my early twenties, I'm in my early 30s now. Polyamory to me is a beautiful way of having meaningful connections with others that do not have barriers. I love the idea of the sense of community it can bring.

I get excited about meeting new people (especially potential romantic interests) and feel that I have so much love to give, I really want to meet someone/s that I can have a lasting bond with.

My journey so far has been me spending a lot of time talking to
people on dating sites, going on dates, often being infatuated by my date and then sleeping with them early on. My past few dates have ended up with me finding out that they never really wanted anything serious or meaningful in the first place. I feel so stupid at being caught up in this pattern.. I am very sex positive and don't believe in having rules around when to have sex with someone and in the moment it felt right to act on my attractions to the other people. However, I realise that I have come away feeling very hurt. I feel distraught and hopeless when things come to an end and find myself back on dating websites trying to find someone new to fill a void.

I recently made myself very vulnerable by being intimate with a date who made me feel very unsafe, was abusive and coerced me into doing things I didn't want to. I feel ashamed at still wanting this persons love and attention despite how badly they treated me. I am feeling very fragile.

I've realised that I need to do things differently and adopt a different approach. I feel that what I am currently doing is damaging me.
I've started to wonder if there might be an underlying issue, possibly a love addiction.

I've found it very difficult to talk about this with others, but my partner knows and is very supportive. Any words of wisdom, support, knowledge, anything would be appreciated.
 
A brief few thoughts on this snowy day.

  • avoid pasting "addiction" anywhere without a clinical diagnosis. It instantly limits your rationality.
  • why do you feel that desiring an ongoing emotional relationship is unhealthy?
  • being "sex positive" doesn't mean needing to act on every opportunity, or even most, or really ANY AT ALL, any more than being "poly" means throwing yourself into every possible relationship in hopes that most of it magically sticks.
  • why do you feel that "the love you have to give" is best expressed in one-time never-to-be-repeated sexual encounters with near-total strangers? How will this create "meaningful connections"? Can you distinguish "love" from "sex"?
Okay, so dangling sex out as a lure to draw someone into commitment is NOT mentally or emotionally healthy (though exactly how Romance works!!).

But the letdowns you are experiencing indicate that you do actually have unconscious motives. If you continue in this manner, I'd guess you will strengthen an association between intimacy & disappointment, you will soon enough "settle" for someone who is a poor fit but sticks around -- sounds like you might've already found The One in that respect. :(

If you want a relationship, then set aside all the time-wasting distractions you are presently using to undermine opportunities to achieve this goal. Nobody says you need to constantly PROVE you are poly or sex positive.

Oh, & if you feel that someone is abusive, then STOP HANGING AROUND WITH THEM. Despite the healing power of your sunny optimism, it WILL NOT get better & is much more likely to get worse. Stop that. Now.
 
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, just to clarify:

I am not longer talking to the person that was abusive to me, though have odd feelings /thoughts towards them and find myself wanting their attention/ validation.

I don't "dangle sex" at people for commitment, I have had moments
of intimacy (these dates included what felt like bonding through deep conversations and closeness) as well as sex and I hoped that more might come of them.

I am not trying to prove to anyone I am poly or sex positive. I have mentioned these things to provide some context into my values/ beliefs. There seems to be some confusion here.

I'm not sure where you've picked up that I see desiring an "ongoing
emotional relationship as unhealthy".

If I feel that my behaviour is verging on an addiction, then surely there is something in that. I feel shut down by being told it's irrational and that it can only be mentioned in a framework of a clinical diagnosis. I mention it because it feels significant to me.
 
Hi harleyquinn,

It seems to me that you've been having some bad luck lately, and maybe an addiction falls into that equation somewhere. Perhaps it would be helpful to scale back on the dating for awhile, just to give yourself a breather. Only you can decide if that's really true.

I just want to say that I am sympathetic toward your plight, and hope you'll get some relief soon. It's very good that you have such a supportive partner, you need that at times like this.

It's good to be open to loving others without rules or restrictions, just be cautious as not all people will be equally loving toward you. I know there are no great words of wisdom here, but I hope this post helps you some.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi harleyquinn,

It seems to me that you've been having some bad luck lately, and maybe an addiction falls into that equation somewhere. Perhaps it would be helpful to scale back on the dating for awhile, just to give yourself a breather. Only you can decide if that's really true.

I just want to say that I am sympathetic toward your plight, and hope you'll get some relief soon. It's very good that you have such a supportive partner, you need that at times like this.

It's good to be open to loving others without rules or restrictions, just be cautious as not all people will be equally loving toward you. I know there are no great words of wisdom here, but I hope this post helps you some.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Taking a break from dating and if I do return I'm the future, being much more cautious is the plan.

Thanks so much for your compassionate words and understanding Kevin!
 
Take some time about to take care of yourself, rest, take a break from dating.

Have a good think about what is right for you and what boundaries you would like to decide for yourself. Write them down, think about them.

You sound like me, you like to run about a bit meeting people and feeling free to express attraction with new people as intimately as you wish.... there's no reason you can't continue to live like that and a good sense of your own boundaries can help you do that safely.

Once you've had a good think about whats right for you, and you feel ready to enforce that if it's necessary, go for it! Enjoy yourself. :D

Once you have a stronger sense of what your about it will be much easier to forge good connections with others. I went through something similar, but much less serious, recently and it works for me, I hope it works for you.

You have every right to the time you need, you have every right to maintain your boundaries, your feelings are your's and they are 100% legitimate, your body, your mind, your rules. If you ever meet anyone again who doesn't understand this, get away from them and do whatever you need to get them out of your life.
 
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There is a constant battle between wanting temporary sexual/romantic moments between you and others, and wanting a longer and more serious relationships with people. It doesn't have to be a battle, but it doesn't make it easier when it's clearly manifested as such in your dating life.

It sounds like you've had some bad dating experiences recently (and abuse), and maybe it makes some sense to step back for a bit, take some time to recover, figure out what you want from dating, and go for it! Your feelings are valid. Don't feel bad because you feel some way about somebody who was bad or good for you. They're you're feelings. You do with them what you want (experience them, repress them, replace them, distract from them, whatever), but whatever anybody tells you, those feelings are valid. Nobody can pre-determine what feelings they will have, nor can they insist that somebody else not have a particular feeling! Emotions can be controlled when they arise, with some level of reasonability, but we can't expect not to have them, or not have ones we don't enjoy : ).

It sounds like what you want is more serious relationships, and this is a thing you'll have to communicate with future partners. Seems there's a disconnect between people you've become briefly entangled with and what you want from them. The difference and reason for the disconnect is communication. On the one hand, you find somebody you like, you're like "Hey I like you but not looking for anything serious", you hook up, all good. Or you meet someone and you're like "Hey I like you, and I'm in the market for somebody serous. I'm not sure if you're that person, but if you are, I'd like to make that happen". If things don't work out to that goal in the latter scenario, it's either because they misrepresented their intentions or you two didn't work in that way. Seems like that final scenario hasn't been happening because the communication isn't happening. If you're serious about finding a serious partner, be serious about how you communicate about it with them personally and how to you find them (okcupid, craigslist, whatever your system is).

Best of luck in your search for what you're looking for and take care of yourself first : ).
 
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