Date night... the struggle

[Magdlyn]

When I want my husband, I want him and no one else. No hobby, friends, or other pointless time fillers will do.

I am not keen on the get a hobby/fix yourself/read a book/get a new partner stuff, so my advice would be do things you cannot do with him around. Spoil yourself with a mani/pedi or massage, go out for dinner and drinks with your ladies, get your hair done, buy lingerie with him in mind and be wearing it when he walks in the door, or prepare his favourite dessert to eat while you are watching a movie and enjoying some one-on-one time after his date(s). Just little things to let him know that he was on your mind while he was gone.

You have contradicted yourself here, in one post.

Hobbies: Shopping, cooking. So you don't like to read a book? Hm. You read this board. I know you like to write. Does your blogging keep you busy when Matt is away?

Dinner with friends while hubby is away-- good or bad, healthy or not, distracting and nurturing, or not?

Fixing yourself: hairdos, nails, working out.

Doing your self-care and cooking "for your man," and not for yourself, smack of 1950s housewife to me, but I know you're experiencing infatuation for your husband after years of distance and trauma, so it's excusable.

 

[Mahogany]

The difference is that we have to work, have to do other stuff but we don't have to have multiple relationships. Most people don't. I can't see how they are comparable.

For me, it seems as though poly is not a choice. Well, it is in a way. For some people, polyamory is a part of who they are. This may offend someone, but to me, not practicing polyamory could be much like, not exactly like, but much like a homosexual suppressing their sexuality and attempting to be heterosexual.

"They don't have to be in a same-sex relationship, they are choosing to be."

It is kinda like depriving yourself of something that makes you whole emotionally, spiritually, etc. Just my experiences.

One could say that you are choosing to work long hours, that you could just perform your career duties, and when the time is up, GO HOME. Some of us like to perform above and beyond our normal duties. Bo and I are like that. It is not uncommon for me to go in to work on a Sunday, and put in five hours, even though my hours are Monday through Friday.

Spending alone time at work helps me feel whole. I feel better mentally when I go in. So do I "have to," or is it a choice? What a slippery slope. We could bring in so many other things, like "addition" etc.

So for that reason, I think there is no black and white to this topic. Shades of Gray? lol

 

[Mahogany]

I am sure Mahogany enjoys breathing room as much as the next person and understands her Bo's need to have interests--relationships/whatever--outside of the home. .

Thank you FullofLove, for that benefit of the doubt.

Bo and I have been married for 8 years in April, together 9 years, if you count the year of courtship and engagement.

We both are experienced enough to know how to be alone. I need my own time, and so does he. When he is "away," don't imagine me as this NEEDY, sad, pitiful wife, waiting and gazing out the window with bated breath for my lover to return. We have four children at home to pre-occupy our time, as well.

 

[Mahogany]

Maybe you're just not ready for poly yet.

This is a good question. I don't know, to be honest with you.

We all have threesome dates together. So there are A, B, and C, four relationships, here and now. I wasn't always that way, but is currently.

There is:
A and B
B and C
A and C
And then there is ABC (including sex). We don't have secrets and have established very open and honest relationships. But it is a good idea to ask and make sure that we are all ok with each other knowing "everything."

I know I am, and I know No is, but now I wonder if our girlfriend is too. I'll ask her.

 

[FullofLove1052]

Thank you FullofLove, for that benefit of the doubt.

My hubby and I have been married for 8 years in April. 9 years together, if you count the year of courtship and engagement.

We both are experienced enough to know how to be alone. I need my own time, and so does he. When he is "away," don't imagine me as this NEEDY, sad, pitiful wife, waiting and gazing out the window on bated breathe waiting for my lover to return. We have 4 child at home to pre-occupy our time, as well.

This tickled me pink. I am not sure why some people automatically assume that if you miss your spouse while they are gone, you are pawing at the bay window, listening to sad songs, crying, quoting Elizabeth Barrett Browning poems, and waiting for their return.

Time apart is good for everyone. I have never met anyone who wants to be all up under someone 24-hours a day.

Four children will keep you on your toes, without a doubt. Kudos to you!

 

[happytovee]

Your first post in this thread reminded me of my metamour the first time our hinge came to visit me out of state. (Her post on it is titled Missing Warm Fuzzies: Reward if Found.) He was here for four days, and two of those days were VERY tough on her. Both he and I did our best to support her through it. I think the first date (or trip, in our case, because it's long distance) is tough, but hopefully it gets a bit easier each time. I think staying busy with things that are enjoyable for you is great, but really, just getting through it, reconnecting with him and knowing you got through it, and still have the same solid, loving relationship you started with, is what might help most.

And I agree about asking her if she's good with intimate details being shared. That is something my boyfriend and his wife enjoyed when he was in previous relationships. But I'm not ok with it.

 

[london]

For me, it seems as though polyamory is not a choice. Well, it is, in a way. For some people poly is a part of who they are. This may offend someone, but to me, not practicing polyamory could be much like (not exactly like) but much like a homosexual suppressing their sexuality, pretending to be heterosexual.

"They don't have to be in a same-sex relationship. They are choosing to be."

It is kinda like depriving yourself of something that makes you whole emotionally, spiritually, etc.

One could say that you are choosing to work long hours, that you could just perform your career duties, and when the time is up GO HOME. Some of us like to perform above and beyond our normal duties. Bo and I are like that. It is not uncommon for me to go in to work on a Sunday, and put in 5 hours, even though my hours are Monday through Friday.

Spending alone time at work helps me feel whole, I feel better mentally when I go in. So do I "have to," or is it a choice? What a slippery slope though. We could bring in so many other things.

I think there is no black and white to this topic. Shades of Gray? lol

Your partner is choosing polyamory. He could just have friends. He could have NSA sex. He's choosing to develop loving relationships with others.

Not everyone works more than required, though most people need to work. One may choose to work more than required to gain money, loyalty etc., but its a choice. Same as opting to be polyamorous. There are ways of living closer to monogamy with minimal sacrifice. We choose not to.