Date Night

[Kris14]

Hi yall,

Just wanted some advice about a pretty sticky situation.

My girlfriend and I have been open for two years. The length of our relationship. We've really just been fumbling through. In the begining I was a little anxious but excited and started dating other women straight away. It was fun but with our "don't ask and don't tell" policy, it turned into a mess. Although I was very communicative, it was new territory. She hasn't dated as often. Not only that, I've become increasingly anxious about her dating. There have been two times where she has had sex with someone else and did not disclose until I asked her (no protection used, men and women), she's been on dates without giving me a heads up (for some this is fine but our agreement is to let the other person know), and she's also put me in weird situations. For example, she invited me to get drinks with her and a woman she is dating. We had agreed that for the moment we wouldn't meet each other's metamores. I went, to be a supportive partner and show open mindedness, and I was also curious. Afterwards she explained to me that she only asked me because her date wanted to meet and wouldn't have wanted me there otherwise. That felt weird. Actually, she hasn't really been with anyone else, until last night, where it's been transparent.

Moving forward, we found a therapist who specializes in open relationships and began working toward building a stronger, more connected and communicative partnership. It's working, I think.

However, last night we both went out on dates and all day long I was anxious and really high strung. Worried. This is the first time I'd felt this way about going on dates before. I've always been a little anxious but mostly chill and curious when she gives me the heads up. I'd been asked out previously, we talked about it, and she scheduled a date as well. When we reconnected, all of the past shit flooded me. It had been all day and I couldn't even be happy or have curiousness about her date. I was so mad at her for being able to have a good experience that wasn't drenched in doubt or fear of violated boundaries like mine was.

A date night where I had no reason to be upset, turned into me not wanting to be touched and drudging up all of the really hurtful shit that I'd be pondering over all day. Even though, I'd had a really fun night with a wonderful woman as well.

I don't know how to get over it.

 

[KC43]

Just a terminology clarification: If you're meeting "each other's metamours," that sounds like you're meeting your own partners. A metamour is a partner's *other* partners. So if you met the woman your girlfriend is dating, you have met *your* metamour, not your girlfriend's.

It sounds like there have been some rough patches in your relationship, caused in part by your girlfriend's inability or--maybe--unwillingness to understand and observe agreements you've made. If it were me, the unprotected sex with others without telling me would be grounds to end the relationship; I ask my committed partners to tell me when they have sex with someone new at all, even *with* protection, because of sexual health concerns, and if I found out well after the fact that they'd not only had sex with someone and not told me, but they hadn't used protection with the other person and had then continued having unprotected sex with me... yeah. That's putting *my* health at risk, and I don't stand for that.

Since it seems you've decided to accept her behavior and continue the relationship, I think it's good for both of you that you've started relationship therapy. Obviously we don't have the whole story here, but just from what you have posted, it sounds like you both need to work on communicating, and I'm glad you sought help to do that more effectively.

As for your reaction to the date night last night, I think it's entirely understandable. She has a history of doing things against agreements without communicating with you, and it's reasonable for you to fear that she will continue that behavior. It is, however, unfortunate that your emotional reaction affected *your* date. I think the first thing you might do for yourself is just acknowledge that you had these emotions, and you had reasons for them, and remind yourself that it's okay to feel however you feel. If you kick yourself in the ass about it or overanalyze *why* you felt that way, you'll end up making the unwanted emotions stronger and it will take you longer to move forward.

I would also recommend talking to your therapist about the situation. Maybe even seeking individual therapy, at least short-term. You have a LOT of deep hurt and possibly resentment toward your girlfriend because of her previous behavior, and that kind of perceived betrayal isn't something you can get over overnight, and sometimes isn't something you can get over without help.

 

[GalaGirl]

I agree with KC43.

If GF makes agreements and then she doesn't keep them? Maybe it's OK for you to be upset about that and not be over that. Putting your sex health at risk like that is pretty shoddy behavior. To me that would be reason to part ways.

To me the poor agreement making/keeping is also a reason to part ways. Would be more honest to tell you "No. I cannot keep that agreement" than agree and then ignore it. You might not like it. But at least you can trust her at her Word. She's being honest with you that she cannot keep an agreement rather than making promises that are not kept. Then trust is not taking a ding.

Is she keeping agreements now? One agreement I read is "give me a heads up before you go on dates." She's broke that a few times in the past. I'm not certain she's really telling you about them now. Is she?

You learned the DADT thing doesn't serve you well. You also are finding these things bother you:

There have been two times where she has had sex with someone else and did not disclose until I asked her (no protection used, men and women).

Well, keep on asking. You could learn to say "Since the last time we shared sex, has there been anyone else? If yes, what safer sex practices were used?" YOU are responsible for guarding YOUR body.

It would be nice if she disclosed too and demonstrated some care and consideration for your health. Better 2 people looking out for sex health than 0.
Maybe you need to make an agreement about safer sex practices being used? AND you still keep asking?

she's also put me in weird situations. For example, she invited me to get drinks with her and a woman she is dating. We had agreed that for the moment we wouldn't meet each other's metamores. I went, to be a supportive partner and show open mindedness, and I was also curious.

You have this agreement NOT to meet each other's potentials.

• She invites you to meet her potential. Which breaks the agreement.
• You agree to go. Which also breaks the agreement.

Why bother have this agreement then if nobody is going to hold it up? What's the agreeement supposed to do or solve?

Afterwards she explained to me that she only asked me because her date wanted to meet and wouldn't have wanted me there otherwise. That felt weird.

Actually, she hasn't really been with anyone else, until last night, where it's been transparent.

So the first time GF is transparent about it and keeps her agreement about giving a heads up -- is because your metamour (call her Jane) wanted to meet you. (Your "metamour" is your partner's other partner.)

So you maybe learned...

a) Jane wanted to meet you. GF does not say "I'm sorry. At this time I have an agreement with my GF (you) not to be meeting metas. At best I can offer a quick phone call. But not in person meeting." Your GF is willing to break agreements with you to satisfy Jane? That's not nice.

b) Had Jane had not wanted it, GF would not have wanted you there. Does that also mean she would not have told you about this date at all? GF breaking the "give heads up" agreement again?

c) Your partner is willing to consider and do what Jane wants/needs. (Was it just to get into Jane's pants?) But GF is not willing to consider and do what you want/need?

I bet that didn't feel awesome to wonder. Def weird situation.

But you have a share in the situation making. You had an agreement NOT to be meeting metamours right now. And when GF invited you could have said "No, thank you. I prefer to hold up our agreement. The best I can offer is a quick phone call, but I don't want to meet your potentials in person right now."

Did you bring all this up in counseling? Resolve anything?

However, last night we both went out on dates and all day long I was anxious and really high strung. Worried.

Understandable given past history. Maybe next time don't arrange dates on the same night. Then you can better enjoy your own date night.

If you are going to be busy worrying about her trustworthiness when she's off on her own date? Do it on a night you can be at home and you aren't split between two things. (Being on your own date and trying to enjoy it) vs (fretting about GF)

I was so mad at her for being able to have a good experience that wasn't drenched in doubt or fear of violated boundaries like mine was.

I think you might mean "I was so mad that I could not have a good experience on my date without (thinking about her being on her date and fearing she is off breaking agreements again.)"

A date night where I had no reason to be upset, turned into me not wanting to be touched and drudging up all of the really hurtful shit that I'd be pondering over all day.

You DO have reason to be upset if past stuff has not been resolved and trust been rebuilt. It bothers you so much you spend all day fretting on it.

You just learned that if Jane had not wanted it, GF would not have wanted you there. Perhaps not disclosed there even was a date... again.

Now she's off on this other date. And maybe you were worried if this would be another "share sex and not tell me" things like past experiences.

You are going to counseling and it seems to be helping. I encourage you to talk all this stuff out there. Maybe have individual counseling as well as couple counseling.

What agreements/expectations are reasonable, rational AND "keepable?" Make the new agreements with the counselor's help.

What do you need to be able to forgive past transgressions and become willing to trust GF at her word again?

• What do you need from her?
  
• What do you need from you?
  
• What could BOTH need to do? (I would put NOT having dates on the same night as one thing you could both could agree to do to reduce stress. and discuss what you each might need for "before care" and "after care." )

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Kris,

It sounds like your girlfriend has been dishonest with you, and you have good reason to be upset. You might want to schedule an appointment with your therapist just you and your therapist, without your girlfriend being there. Then you can vent to your therapist about the ways your girlfriend has betrayed you without having to worry that your girlfriend is in the room and will strike back. Your therapist needs to know all that is going on, and all that has gone on, in order to effectively help you.

I'm so sorry your date was ruined due to you being drenched in doubt and fear of violated boundaries. I wish your girlfriend would step up to the plate and do right by you. If she won't, you will have to take care of yourself.

Regards,
Kevin T.