Dating Advice for A Poly Man

[BonzaiBlitz]

So Bloom and I have pretty much kept to ourselves for the past six months or so, as work has really kept us from spending much time with EACH OTHER, let alone anyone else.

She still has the occasional date (especially in the local BDSM community), but nothing has really developed.

For myself, I haven't even had anyone express interest in almost a year.

I'm not complaining, given that we've been together for over ten years and are totally fine with keeping to each other and not dating.
But it's very frustrating to know that she has a long line of available dates if the mood strikes her, and I'm basically trying to squeeze blood from a stone as a married man in the Bible Belt.


How do you guys find prospective dates while already in a "committed" relationship without being perceived as the stereotypical cheating bastard?

Our whole point in opening up our previously-monogamous marriage was to meet new people and have new experiences, but I feel locked down by default due to the American association of male sexuality and unfaithfulness.

 

[Dagferi]

Unfortunately most women are looking for a relationship that will escalate. They want something that is going somewhere. I.e. living together, marriage, holidays together etc. You know the relationship escalator. A married man in an open relationship 9 times out of 10 can't offer that. So the average married poly man's dating pool is limited.

We women have a lot easier time dating. Doesn't mean our pickings of quality partners are there. A lot of men are happy to have a fling with a married woman but not necessarily a relationship.

 

[Ravenscroft]

most women are looking for a relationship that will escalate. They want something that is going somewhere.

Well... that's contrary to my experience.

As for people who "get the wrong idea"? Get used to it -- it's gonna happen. I could show up to a party with a date, & my wife show up with her boyfriend, we'd all chat & have fun, & there'd STILL be a bonehead or three who'd be shocked at my "cheating".

Science fiction conventions. Not the modern commercial mega-monstrosities & comic conventions, but classic fan-run conventions. They're all over the place. I can vouch for the ones in the Twin Cities: Minicon, CONvergence, Diversicon, MarsCon. CONvergence is a huuuuge three-day party with live music generally happening anytime day or night; I probably know more than 100 polyfolk who attend annually, & I've run panels there on nonmonogamy. Diversicon, while smaller (maybe 1,500 compared to 4,000), specifically intends to explore alternatives to mainstream culture:

Slightly more than two thirds of Diversicon's guest professionals have been women. A number of guests have been persons of color. A number of guests have been openly gay, lesbian, or bisexual and/or have written SF that explores issues of alternate sexuality.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Confidence in yourself without being an arrogant asshole, peace with walking away alone, and a complete lack of desperation and attitude if things don't go your way.

I've met a ton of guys with your same concern, and you know what? I have never gone on more than 2 dates with them. What starts at as a claim that they are just curious about why they have a hard time meeting people turns into either a sense of entitlement (like a poly woman should automatically go out with him because he's poly, too! And he's partnered so obviously he's a good guy ) OR an entitlement ("If my wife goes on a date, I should go on a date. That's how this is supposed to work").

Poly/open meetups are a great place to meet people. That's where I met Boy. Or as another poster mentioned, conventions and gatherings for populations that tend to favor poly - gaming, kink, etc. OkCupid is the go-to dating site, but I've honestly had more luck on Tinder. Neither has led to a long term relationship, but Tinder people have come close.

I've never found a relationship when actually looking for a relationship. Try to make friends. Expand your social network so that you're meeting new people often. It'll happen.

 

[central]

It's much harder to find someone in the south as a male, in my experience, than it was when I lived in northern states. A lot does depend on geographical attitudes as well as local opportunities - and a lot depends on your own interests and whether they can be adjusted to include events like Ravenscroft mentions. There are no poly/open meetups or groups in my area at all - I've looked!

As for OKCupid, in my area there is little activity - I get maybe one or two viable contacts a year, which rarely develop. Most are cheating wives - not what I want. Maybe it's better nearer to larger cities. Mostly, my successes have come from meeting people in the swinger community, which is pretty strong locally and regionally. Occasionally, someone there will at least be interested in poly, but only one so far has ventured into serious consideration with me.

I do agree with AlwaysGrowing's advice: "Confidence in yourself without being an arrogant asshole, peace with walking away alone, and a complete lack of desperation and attitude if things don't go your way." It doesn't increase the number of opportunities, but does help develop any that you do find.

 

[AutumnLeaves]

Guitarist was worried about being perceived as cheating, so he linked his profile to mine on OKC. That worked for the dating site issue.

As for the being perceived as cheating while out and around our small town, we're both openly poly, so if anyone stopped minding their own business long enough to make an issue of it, they would get an earful from whoever they were trying to tattle to (and since our friends all know we're poly, it would definitely be tattling as opposed to honest concern).

 

[kdt26417]

Hi BonzaiBlitz,

I had so much trouble finding anyone I could date that I just threw up my hands and quit. Then, too, my activity had been centered around OKCupid, and I don't know if I just wasn't giving it enough time. My heart just wasn't in it after awhile.

Getting out there and making (platonic) friends (in meatspace) is probably a good idea. You never know when a friend might know someone, or when that friend might herself turn out to be that someone. Fringe events like sci-fi/comic cons, indie music, Ren faires, kink events, and, of course, poly events, if you can find them in your area.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

Expectation of Romance

I've never found a relationship when actually looking for a relationship. Try to make friends. Expand your social network so that you're meeting new people often. It'll happen.

For me, getting too focused on sexual/romantic relationships is a waste of energy and really distracting from what I view to be an actually beneficial social goal - establishing authentic and rewarding associations.

Romance can be fun, but it is merely one possible aspect of an association. I want to be present and enjoy what my loved ones have to offer without putting the expectation of sex (or any other expectation) on them.

 

[Arius]

Hi BonzaiBlitz,

I had so much trouble finding anyone I could date that I just threw up my hands and quit. Then, too, my activity had been centered around OKCupid, and I don't know if I just wasn't giving it enough time. My heart just wasn't in it after awhile.

Getting out there and making (platonic) friends (in meatspace) is probably a good idea. You never know when a friend might know someone, or when that friend might herself turn out to be that someone. Fringe events like sci-fi/comic cons, indie music, Ren faires, kink events, and, of course, poly events, if you can find them in your area.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I feel ya. I go on OkCupid periodically, but always deactivate my account after my ego has taken a serious beating and nothing good has happened. Being poly as a male is hard. My partner currently has 6 lovers, and at least 3 of them are fairly serious. I just have her. We've been together for 5 years and I've had a couple lovers but nobody ever wants to get serious.

I would definitely recommend checking out the kink scene. There is a ton of poly/kink overlap. That's where my partner met her other partners.

Meanwhile, stay strong and work on yourself as much as possible. Good luck.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"Being poly as a male is hard."

It is.

 

[alexendy]

Rous your

For me, getting too focused on sexual/romantic relationships is a waste of energy and really distracting from what I view to be an actually beneficial social goal - establishing authentic and rewarding associations.

Romance can be fun, but it is merely one possible aspect of an association. I want to be present and enjoy what my loved ones have to offer without putting the expectation of sex (or any other expectation) on them.

I couldn't agree more, and I always found it problematic on dating sites because you usually have to define what you are "looking for". Of course in some case it makes sense; your existing relationships agreements may limit what you are open to, and you may also simply not be interested by a specific relationship type (casual sex, long term relationships, whatever) at the moment. But barring those cases, if I go on a dating site or in any social environment, what I'm "looking for" is not a relationship of this or that sort, it is interesting people to meet and learn to know.

I feel that in many cases, having to specify what you are "looking for" puts the relationship before the persons and creates some sort of expectation that is useless and potentially harmful.