Dating Challenges for a Married Man

S

saltandredpepper

New member
I've had some recent frustration with beginning dating as a married couple and am wondering how others might deal with the situation. My life partner and I live in a small town and lead public work lives that make us need discretion about having a newly open relationship. She's found a guy who lives out of town and far enough away that they can see each other in public (or private) there. He seems fine (according to her) with being a paramour and has asked for and received the ability to see her at least once a week with an overnighter at least once a month and an occasional weekend. I'm happy for her but growing increasingly lonely. Each of the seemingly available and interested women I've asked out have balked at dating a married man. One thinks of it as cheating, another needs a life partner, a third worries that it's too complicated, the fourth is also friends with my partner and wants to keep the relationships as friendships. I know it will take time and trials and am using the feeling as my writing muse, but that doesn't quite calm the growing loneliness. I'd appreciate hearing your insights, experiences, or suggestions if moved to share.
 
saltandredpepper said:
Each of the seemingly available and interested women I've asked out have balked at dating a married man.
Click to expand...

This is poly married man problem number one. FAR above any other issue, poly married men encounter this. We often see it here on the forum and I see it everywhere in my poly circles. There are quite few threads here about it.

In general, married women are catnip to men. Married men are kryptonite to women. There are many reasons for both, but that's the lay of the poly-couple land.
 
saltandredpepper said:
I'm happy for her but growing increasingly lonely. Each of the seemingly available and interested women I've asked out have balked at dating a married man. One thinks of it as cheating, another needs a life partner, a third worries that it's too complicated, the fourth is also friends with my partner and wants to keep the relationships as friendships. I know it will take time and trials and am using the feeling as my writing muse, but that doesn't quite calm the growing loneliness. I'd appreciate hearing your insights, experiences, or suggestions if moved to share.
Click to expand...

Yep, this is the problem with trying to be non-monogamous in a monogamous culture. I have no suggestions to offer, only commiseration.

As far as I can see, there is no solution to this problem. Assuming your wife would not be willing to return to monogamy, you're in for a long run of loneliness and frustration.
 
What you ought to be doing is dating around. Get out, have fun, get to know some women, hang out, have fun. (Yah, there's a theme there.)

What you're doing sounds more like mate shopping: feeling the need to find a candidate who can hopefully fill the position ASAP.

Amy is one of my favorite dating partners: gorgeous, dynamic, bright, funny. Also totaly gay. When we go out, most of the guys (& many of the girls :D) envy me. It's not going to "go somewhere" because that's NOT the point AT ALL.

IME, when I'm seen in the same social circle hanging out with different women, the message seems to get across just fine that I'm not monogamous. Women who are open to this do indeed strike up a conversation.

(I enjoy all sorts of music. There's a club with an incredible sound system, & Industrial Madness every Wednesday evening. I went almost every week, alone if needs be. Soon enough, the staff knew me by name, & would often give me priority on a busy night -- this REALLY impressed some of my companions. ;) And other regulars got curious, & word got around that I was maybe open to possibilities. Flirtations were had, numbers exchanged. There was a martini lounge right next door, so quieter conversation could be had. I was there to dance around in the subsonics, really, but the benefits were certainly there.)

Meanwhile, you probably put out a vibe of low-level desperation. As you hitone dead end after another, you probably get a teensy bit more morose & twitchy. Being desperate IS NOT attractive.

Sounds like you've met some potentially interesting people that merely happen to be women. As with Amy, things are NOT going to "go somewhere" for various reasons. So, in your shoes what I'd do is at least pretend they're :eek: people, real human beings, & therefore maybe capable of becoming friends.

I'd ask 'em out for dinner or bowling or walking in the park or whatever. I would NOT bring up my hopes & intentions for filling that relationship slot (though if any were to ask, I'd happily give them a brief update). I'd HAVE FUN, relax, & be the best ME.
 
Hi saltandredpepper,

Ravenscroft has a good point, your best bet is to change your goal from finding a partner to just going out and having fun. Of course you are trying to keep a low profile about your open situation, so maybe that is having an effect on your chances. You have to give others some clue that it is okay to go out with you.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi saltandredpepper,

I don't know if you are still checking this post, but I would like to chime in. I have a domestic partner and a child, and I have managed to find secondary partners. Sure, as a man you are going to struggle with dating compared to a female, but honestly, a female is going to find dates a lot easier in the non-poly world too.

What I am about to say is just my personal opinion, and although it may sound like I have a polarized view of the world, I am actually just drawing generalizations as a tool for thought, because dating (putting yourself out-there to a bunch of people) is a numbers game, which means drawing trends and making generalizations can be helpful. With that said, I will acknowledge that courtship is complex..

In my mind, dating comes down to one thing: attraction. No matter what sex or orientation someone is, attraction is often the first step toward having sexual value to someone else.

If I were you, I wouldn't focus on finding dates. And I would do away with disclosing your situation right away. The details about your poly life can wait, and there is nothing manipulative or wrong with that so long as you aren't inferring the opposite, that would be dishonest. I suggest letting people discover you slowly, while you focus on building attraction from the very beginning.

Basically what I am saying is: if you walk up to someone and say "Hi, I am Joe, would you be willing to step outside this common social construct to go on a date with me?" The answer is an easy no, what in this scenario would make you persuasive over the next guy in line who is offering something more familiar?

If you take it slow, and build attraction and sexual energy with someone, suddenly you have something that the next guy in line doesn't. And when you reach that place with a woman, the invitation to go on this new journey with you becomes more persuasive.

At least that's the way I see it...

I have had multiple LDRs outside my primary relationship with women whom would have previously identified as strictly monogamous. No one has ever claimed that they felt manipulated by me in any way. I have no bag of tricks, and there are no smoke an mirrors. I simply get to know people, and if I have chemistry with someone, I invite them into the fun little secret that is my poly-life.

Best of luck.
 
Getting out

Thanks for the insights, going out to hear music is doable in this small but artsy town. I might try leaving the ring home and actually talking to people. I just read the chapter on dating in More Than Two and the authors recommend dating only polyamorous people, which sounds good until I consider the population here. Still, being more open about my availability locally is a good next step.
 
Last edited:
Don't leave the ring at home. Just be yourself.

Get out and enjoy life. You will be amazed at who you will meet.
 
Not your exact situation, but as a woman who already has a nesting partner, I can relate. I got really lucky with my current interests: L also has a nesting partner, M2 has experience being in a triad, and M1 is very open-minded.

I also have a semi-public job (local government), and quite a few people at work know about R and some have met her.

There is an advantage to being a woman dating women: in our heteronormative society, two women on a date simply look like platonic friends. It's got to be more challenging for men.

I second previous posters' advice -- focus on having fun and meeting cool people.

Edited to add: If you can, find a poly group, maybe not in your town, but close by. Somewhere you can meet like-minded folks. My local poly Meetup is a treasure trove of experience and hope.
 
Last edited:
Inaniel said:
If you take it slow, and build attraction and sexual energy with someone, suddenly you have something that the next guy in line doesn't. And when you reach that place with a woman, the invitation to go on this new journey with you becomes more persuasive.
Click to expand...
Just make sure you let them know your situation before they become at all emotionally invested; to do otherwise is an unethical bait 'n switch.
 
Are the seemingly available women you mention also poly? I mean, it's a shallower pool, but check out OKCupid or whatnot for *specifically non-monogamous* people. It'll avoid one possible reason for rejection, and (IMO) simplify your relationships later. (I've seen more issues from mono people trying to date poly people, both here and elsewhere and even in my meta-metamours...)
 
icesong said:
check out OKCupid or whatnot for *specifically non-monogamous* people. It'll avoid one possible reason for rejection
Click to expand...

I think we covered this, but many poly women won't go near married (or seriously partnered) men. Which isn't to say they don't, just that being poly doesn't at all guarantee that a woman is open to getting involved with a married man. A partnered poly man is in a very different social situation than a partnered poly woman, that's just the way it is.
 
Last edited:
FallenAngelina said:
I think we covered this, but many poly women won't go near married (or seriously partnered) men. Which isn't to say they don't, just that being poly doesn't at all guarantee that a woman is open to getting involved with a married man. A partnered poly man is in a very different social situation than a partnered poly woman, that's just the way it is.
Click to expand...

I've seen this assertion on this board, and occasionally elsewhere, but I know I for one am *more* likely to date someone partnered than not, personally, as are the majority of my offline poly friends. So I'm sort of curious about the real numbers either way on that one.
 
icesong said:
I've seen this assertion on this board, and occasionally elsewhere, but I know I for one am *more* likely to date someone partnered than not, personally, as are the majority of my offline poly friends. So I'm sort of curious about the real numbers either way on that one.
Click to expand...

Mono men seem to have less issues dating poly wonen than mono women. Look at the successful poly people who are active on this board with long term relationships with monogamous partners. Bluebird, myself, nadya we are women.

Women are catty and competitive. Look at teenage girls they a vicious to rivals. That doesn't go away in adulthood.

Plus a single woman doesn't tend to want a glass ceiling put on their relationship. A men tend to be more comfortable in their own skin and with time on their own.
 
Last edited:
icesong said:
(I've seen more issues from mono people trying to date poly people, both here and elsewhere and even in my meta-metamours...)
Click to expand...

But at least they are dating someone. OP doesn't have a vibrant poly community to tap into, he needs discression, and he's lonely right now. He is seeking dates, not every one of them needs to turn into a relationship.

I get having a precieved ideal, but I like to think people that trend down those roads find reality sooner or later. If I didn't date someone of a certain race because it would be easier for reason xyz, I would be closing myself off to a lot of potentially meaningful relationships. Not sure it makes any more sense in this scenario.

Many women in the traditional dating space have had casual partners and fwbs, yet don't identify as poly. As a hetero male trying to meet people, I think it's unwise to close off the largest pool of potential dates.
 
Last edited:
Emm said:
Just make sure you let them know your situation before they become at all emotionally invested; to do otherwise is an unethical bait 'n switch.
Click to expand...

I agree. I was dumbstruck when, as a mono woman, I discovered my new "love interest" was already involved with a mutual friend. And this, after being careful to "ask all the right questions" in the phase between initial interest/flirting and reciprocating his declaration of love.

To His way of thinking, the deception-by-omission was acceptable in light of the fact that this other woman was "only" a FWB, not a "proper" relationship. Yet he was still sleeping with her. They were still emotionally involved to some extent. How could anyone think such a thing wouldn't be of consequence to divulge to a potentially serious new partner??

That said... that other woman and I are now dating, and he and she are not. Funny how things turn out. ;)
 
Inaniel said:
Many women in the traditional dating space have had casual partners and fwbs, yet don't identify as poly. As a hetero male trying to meet people, I think it's unwise to close off the largest pool of potential dates.
Click to expand...


I agree with you. Lots of women who don't know or care a thing about poly are in the market for FWB partners. If the OP is open to friendship type sex, that seems a much more likely pool that looking to poly women. Of course there are poly women who are fine with seriously partnered men, they do exist. But newly poly married men often come here asking how to meet poly women and it's important for them to at least be aware that "poly" doesn't automatically mean that a woman is cool with sharing the life of a man who is already "claimed" by another woman, which is often how it feels. I don't know why it seems to work better long term when its MFM, but that is certainly the trend.
 
It is assumed that married men who need discretion are cheating. That is a big hump to get over. Then there is the fear that a man's wife may suddenly not be okay with poly. A lot of poly people won't seriously date someone who is newly poly.

Even poly groups are not guaranteed to be a good fit. My experience with the one in Seattle was horrible.

It's been my experience that love comes when I am not looking for it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top