Dating with a neighbor?

L

Lilyan

New member
Hello everyone. I'm new in this forum, been around reading for a while.

A long story short, I met this guy maybe five or six years ago and thought he is HOT. He seemed to like me too. I was, and still am, married and he wasn't single either, so we were just greeting when we happened to meet, maybe talking few words sometimes. I've been with my husband for over ten years and he knows I find many people (men and women, I'm bi) attractive, have little a crush sometimes and usually get over them. I've been dating another man once, and hubby was ok with it.

Some time ago we became neighbors with this hot guy and after few months I noticed he still seems to be interested of me (I assume he isn't dating anyone atm). Hubby noticed the way him and I were looking at each other and few months ago I decided it's time to have a conversation with hubby because I felt I'm not getting over this crush easily. I also had little chit-chats with our neighbor and I've been talking with him more often on past few weeks. I'd like to get to know him better and maybe start to date with him (Of course, I don't know if he just wants to be friends, and that would be ok for me too, he is a really nice guy).

We have talked a lot about this all with hubby and he is ok with it. BUT... I'm not sure if it's a good idea because we are neighbors. I've been considering and re-considering, listing the risks and thinking possible what ifs etc and I'm not rushing into anything.

Does anyone have experience to share? Advices are welcome too :)
 
I've dated a neighbor. Across the street and 3 doors down, lol. It was definitely convenient since neither of us drove...

But I think your real question is was it awkward when we broke up? And the answer is: yes. A bit. But it was ok. We ran into each other a bit more often than normal with an ex, but we hadn't split on bad terms so... it was fine.

Ymmv.
 
neighbor

It will put it in the face of your husband constantly. If he is able to deal with you dating someone, this might be too much. Also, if you break up or he does something your husband does not like, you will have tons of problems.
My wife dated our neighbor across the street a few years back and it did not end well. The guy ended up moving away. Also, he was always popping in and she was going over to say hi. This really violated my personal time with my wife. If we were not getting along well one day, she would just go over there instead of working it out.
It is bad news IMO.
If this was someone you had dated for a long time and your husband was in a relationship as well, I would say it would be worth a shot. The risks are definitely far greater in this scenario.
 
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Thank you for a response, A2Poly. Yes, that is one of the questions I'm thinking of.


And big thanks for you SmileTexas, that's exactly the biggest concern I'm having. How would husband really feel about it all. It is one thing to talk about it and another one to be in that situation... I'll have another conversation with hubby tonight, and I'll show him what you wrote.
Did you think it would be ok, before your wife and neighbor started dating?
 
It would benefit most couples to take a long time examining and discussing the ins and outs of polyamory before actually jumping in and doing anything. You have to know that you are both mature enough, generous enough, and strong enough to handle it.

If a husband can't handle his metamour being "in his face," I would say there is a little bit of possessiveness going on and they really are not ready. A wife is not a husband's property, after all. It really irritates me when people say they agree to poly but then feel like the fact that their spouse has another lover shouldn't be made clear and obvious to them. If you both agree to polyamory, you both need to fully understand the reality of what that means... your spouse will have a lover and develop a relationship with that person! If you're going to get all bent out of shape just seeing that lover or being reminded that they exist, some real work needs to be done.

There are all kinds of things to deal with... the potential of falling in love, knowing a spouse is fucking someone else, seeing their spouse and someone else engaging in public displays of affection, maybe even hearing sex going on (if in close proximity), safer sex precautions, how you would handle bumps in the road like a breakup or neighbors gossiping, financial stuff like each spouse having their own money to spend on traveling or dates, whether the metamours can be friends or is it going to be a polite distance, scheduling, handling NRE and making sure no one feels slighted or swept aside for the other person, to be out and public or closeted, and so on and so on. The hinge person in a vee has a lot of responsibilities. You have to also ask yourself what your neighbor would get from a relationship with you. Would he have to hide the fact that he is seeing you? Is he only allowed to see you when your husband says it's okay, or only "be allowed" to do certain things sexually if hubby gives permission, therefore having limited control over a relationship he is in? What if he wants a wife and children? Would he always be treated as secondarily important or could he potentially become an equal partner to you?

Those issues need to be looked at before anyone steps outside the marriage for another relationship. It can take a while to get there.

As for dating a neighbor, I see no problem with it as long as no one gets obsessed and stalker-like. I've dated neighbors back when I was single, and had no issues, but none of them ever turned into serious relationships. They were more like FWBs, so we stayed friends after someone moved or we stopped getting it on for whatever reason.
 
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Nate didn't want sam moving 2 doors down, he felt that if sam lived so close I would be popping over all the time which he would not be happy with.
 
Hi Lilyan,

I don't think dating a neighbor is out of the question, you just have to keep the potential hitches in mind, and have a clear set of agreements with your husband as far as what he is and isn't okay with.
 
We have been talking about polyamory for the whole time we have been together with husband (over ten years). I brang it up in the beginning when we had started dating and were setting our boundaries. There has been discussions about swinging and threesome and we have had a little fun with a male friend of ours.

We also have been talking about the issues nycindie mentioned, and like said, I'm not rushing into anything. When we started to talk about our neighbor seriously, I said husband would have time to consider (and I need time to consider too) at least until next summer. Before that, I want to get to know him better and was just chatting with him today.

Husband has been very supportive and he's telling me to go to him and he teases me asking if I've seen the neighbor lately and did he turn me on. He says he could be friends with the neighbor. They don't know each other well yet, and usually when I have a chance to talk with neighbor, husband is away.

The neighbor has been ... somehow different lately ... and I have started to wonder if he's about to make a next move.
 
I have been chatting with the neighbor on almost every day now. He sort of let me know he isn't dating anyone atm.
He seems to be seeking more of my attention and sometimes we bump into each other many times a day.

Then he did something I didn't quite like. Maybe I just got him wrong but anyway after that I've been thinking what if he just likes to get attention and isn't really interested of me.
So I decided to back off a little... to see what he is up to.

I've been reading other topics here and this is a really great forum. I'm glad I found my way here :)
 
It's a good forum, I think.
 
Update

I took a little break from chatting with the neigbor on last month. Didn't see him much...
Now things are back the way they were. I'm learning to know him better slowly, and the more I get to know him, the more I like him :)

And the next move I thought was on the way... Well he sort of did it. Not the kind of move I was expecting, lol!
He's doing... a little flirty "teasing" sometimes... :D I'm really enjoying things the way they are now.
 
My beau and I live on the same block. I asked recently to have a little bit of a break from him; fewer nights per week, mostly. What happened is that he started getting more aggressive with meeting new girls and he's been lining up a new one every week. So I told him it was too much for me to handle. I need the time to recover. It's a lot to think about, your partner meeting new people on a weekly basis.

I set some boundaries and asked him to respect them. I wanted it not to be in my face all the time. I didn't need details. Then two nights later he walked in front of my place with a new girl. When I was outside. He didn't come back out and talk to me like he said he would when he let her use his restroom before she went home. It crushed me and sent me into a rage. I felt like he snuck off with her or snuck off so he didn't have to give me 30 seconds of reassurance. I never would have walked in front of his place with someone else, especially after talking about how he was sharing way too much about his new dates.

But every time I say something, it is like he just wants to do more. He scheduled another date for Thursday. And now my night with him, tonight, is jeopardized by his work schedule.

He doesn't like tiptoeing around me. And he shouldn't. But you know what? He sure could respect me better and not be walking past my house with someone RIGHT AFTER A SERIOUS TALK. I felt disrespected. So be careful.
 
Thanks for sharing your experience, hislittlekitten. And sorry to hear how things are going there :(

I know my neighbor, I'll call him Dom from now on, likes to "bring women home (from bar)", we have talked about it with him and it's ok for me. The guy I was dating earlier, had many other girls. Once he took one of the girls with him, when we had a date, lol. It was a great party night.

One of the questions I've been thinking is
If we would start dating with Dom and he would date other women too, (when) should he tell them he is dating his neighbor?
Or does he need to mention how close to him I live? When I look outside from some of my windows, I can see straight to his home...!
And if he would have a gf who would move to his place, would she hate it, that I'm around. I would of course respect their space and privacy, like I am doing now.
But I can imagine how much shit I could get too, if things went wrong between them. Lots of juicy gossips to spread around...

Hislittlekitten, do the new girls know where you live? Have you made rules how much info to give to them?

Here one thing lead to another and I ended up having a coffee with Dom, at his place! I spent nice couple of hours there and I also met a friend of his.
Dom was talking about us spending time together on next summer :) And I invited him to our home for coffee "on some day".
Some other neighbors saw us walking together to his place so... I'm sure I'll hear soon if there's some gossiping going on. There's really nothing to gossip about, we are just friends now. But I know how ppl can be around here...

Hubby took everything well and he's being very supportive :)
 
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Re:
"If we would start dating with Dom and he would date other women too, (when) should he tell them he is dating his neighbor?"
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Soon, I suppose. Within the first couple of dates.

Re:
"Or does he need to mention how close to him I live?"
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Maybe not but if I were him I'd mention it just to be safe.

Re:
"And if he would have a girlfriend who would move to his place, would she hate it, that I'm around?"
Click to expand...

That depends entirely on which girl becomes his friend. Everyone's different. Some people don't mind being close to their metamours; others do mind.
 
I'm having similar thoughts with you, kdt26417. Thanks :)
 
I definitely think your guy should make sure anyone he dates knows you live nearby. It should be easy, though; I had my beau agree to tell someone about the situation before the end of the first date.

If it helps any, here are my guidelines. These might be more than you need, but it's what I came up with after realizing that I wasn't clear on what being respected means to me. So here you go, maybe it will give you an idea of what a primary partner would ask of their partner before engaging with others. Good guidelines for a lot of situations I suppose.

1. Please don't share explicit details unless I ask.

2. Please give me a heads up that you're occupied and say goodnight. I want you to devote attention to what you're doing and I can disconnect and focus on what I want to do. I would like you to take the same consideration with me and let others know you're busy.

3. Please clearly tell new dates about the situation either before meeting or before the date is over to avoid any misunderstanding or problems.

4. I don't need to know about every date but if it's E, S, or B, since I know who they are and I know what the deal is with them I wouldn't mind knowing you're hanging out with them. I would like to know if someone is a new sexual partner, especially if it's regular, but I don't need to know about every single new date.

5. Please avoid walking in front of my house with someone new if I don't know them and haven't been informed that you're seeing them. The surprise factor is what hurts, not that you're out with them.

6. Please have documented proof that someone has been tested before they become a sexual partner - not that I need to see it, but can I trust you to do this?

7. Please continue to reassure me. I can't force you to be affectionate and I can't make you feel things for me but I also can't make assumptions. Good morning / goodnight / how are you? / you're still my kitten or whatever you want to call me, please make an effort. I care about you a lot and I will do the same for you.

8. Please ensure that we get that one scheduled night per week. A single guaranteed night - even if it has to be rescheduled within that week to happen - is important for us to continue, and I think it should continue even when we add more nights.

9. Please always try to figure out the next time you will see me whether it's our scheduled night or a morning/lunch date. It's my biggest form of reassurance.

10. Please enjoy yourself... responsibly. Not just because of me but because of you.

11. Let's agree on these guidelines (or any changes) and then focus on being caring and supportive for each other again. After (his son) goes home in April, let's plan a night to talk about this again and see if we can start adding extra nights again.

Things are getting better on my side, thanks. These guidelines helped.

For me, it's as easy as my guy saying, "I am in two relationships right now, and one of my girls lives down the street from me." Pretty easy.
 
Hislittlekitten, I'm glad things are getting better there :)
Thanks for sharing your guidelines, they'll help me think what my would be, if needed.
 
I was spending time with Dom on last week, again at his place. He said I could come and go the way I like, just straight in, even when he's not at home.
Umm...? Is that odd? I wouldn't even go to my siblings homes without knocking first.

I've met his brother twice, I thought he was a friend at first (the same friend I mentioned earlier).
Everything is easy between Dom and me and we can talk about anything. It's nice to have a friend like that living next to us :)
 
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