Dealing with it...

W

Womble

New member
My wife and I are not new to poly, but we are also not veterans at it.

We have both previously had the same girlfriend. Now she is gone, and my wife has a boyfriend. They spent the night together the other night and I really did not handle it well. She has asked to spend the night again this week and I am not very happy about that either.

My problem appears to be that while I am happy for her to have someone, I am upset that I have no one, and so I have to spend my time on my own looking after the kids. For some reason, I think this would be a whole lot simpler if I had someone, as well. I am jealous that she has a relationship with someone and I do not.

I also know I am jealous that she is able to even find a partner, when all my attempts fail. While one-nighters are achievable, it is not what I am looking for. Every time I bring up the whole poly thing with someone I have come to like, and would be interested in pursuing a relationship with, they freak out.

I know it sounds stereotypical, but woman seem to have it much easier than men in the poly scene.

I also don't really want to meet or socialise with my wife's new partner. Now I read that this is a big "don't," but I do not really understand why. Why do I need to meet him? What am I missing?
 
I've got nothing to offer for advice, but do hope you find someone to date, as well. Women definitely have it easier, btw. ;)

Take care,
Mono
 
Part of why, in my opinion, is that it would help alleviate some of exactly what you wrote you are struggling with. If you know the person, and have a friendship with them yourself, it's easier to not imagine that they are replacing you or trying to usurp your position in your significant other's life. I understand the theory that if you don't want to date them, you don't need to know them, but the reality of that is you don't KNOW what the situation is, which lends itself to jealousy of non-existent issues and insecurities and fears and... You get the picture.
 
It sounds as though you are fairly self-aware in dealing with your jealousy, and believe it is rooted in your lack of another companion while she has one. If that is truly it, and you don't mind what she has with him as an issue in and of itself, than I see no reason to force yourself to meet the guy if you really don't want to, again, so long as you are correct in your appraisal of the situation. Meeting "the other" is helpful when feeling left out or replaced, as well as just being a good idea in the big picture, but isn't NECESSARY, in my humble opinion, if there aren't issues there. Wow, I'm getting repetitive, lol.

As for your stated issue, well, it's flat-out true that women in today's society have it easier as far as selecting a mate is concerned. But between socializing and online dating sites and other options, you can find someone. Perhaps work out a deal with your wife where you get time to socialize and look in return for the time spent with her boyfriend, or something along those lines? And if she enjoyed the mutual girlfriend before and is enjoying this poly relationship with her BF, she certainly should be willing to help set you up with prospects, as well!

Talk it over. The more she understands your position, the more you feel understood, the better it all works out in the long run, regardless of who has what going on when. ;)
 
I suffer from jealousy, myself. What helps me is understanding why I'm jealous first, then deciding if it's really worth the energy to be that upset. I usually find that the time and energy spent being jealous outweighs whatever is bothering me.

The other thing is to talk to her. I had this exact conversation with LR. I told her I felt left out because I didn't have someone to be with like she does. And you know what? She asked me what I was looking for in a GF, and she got hot and bothered by it, and we had a great time.

I agree with HMA, trade off some time with her. Last thing you want is to feel resentment because you're home with the kids all the time while she is out playing (not good for you, the kids, or her).

I completely understand not wanting a one night stand, also. I told LR last night in the tub that I'm not sure I could find another woman, and even if I did, could I fall for them? She told me to try it and see. Simple as that. Point is, I think your wife would back you up if you talked to her honestly.

Good luck. Peace and Love.
 
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