Dealing With Meta Breakup

[Vengro]

Quick recap: I am (was?) in a v-triad with my girlfriend as the hinge between me and my meta (her wife). My girlfriend and her wife live together; I am from another state but I come to visit for about a month at a time.

My girlfriend and her wife have been having relationship issues for a while now. I guess I never really noticed until recently when my girlfriend ran into two game changers (me and another girl who is currently no longer in the picture). This double whammy brought to light a bunch of room elephants that finally couldn't be ignored any longer between the two of them. It finally culminated in my girlfriend having a heart to heart with her wife about their relationship and they decided they felt more comfortable continuing as friends.

I feel it's easy enough to blame myself for part of these problems, even though I know that the relationship issues would have existed without me. That the path toward this transition from lovers to friends would have happened regardless, just maybe at a less accelerated pace. I want to fix things but it sounds like although they're sad (I guess those poets and song writers are right, break ups are hard) this might be the best path for them as they both realized they want different things in life and in order to continue together, one would have to compromise in a big way.

So I'm just really sad. A part of me wonders if my own divorce just over a year ago is maybe contributing to the sadness since it's easy enough for me to put myself in both my girlfriend and my meta's places to some extent. My girlfriend and her wife will continue to live together as room mates for now but things just seem to be moving really fast since their talk, and while my meta seems happier, which is nice to see, I can't help but look around their little house and think how much has changed over just a year.

I'm so used to the two of them together, it's a little scary thinking of all the changes that will happen and the soon to be future that will not have my meta there.

I guess any words of comfort or encouragement would be appreciated.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Vengro,

It sounds like you are internalizing the pain of your girlfriend's and meta's breakup in a way that is intensely personal to you. I actually think this breakup is harder on you than it is on them. You have to work through the pain, and the fear of all the changes that are taking place and that will take place. You have to internalize the idea that this breakup is for the best. I do not know how you can do that. I guess I think it will be a natural process over time.

Sending you virtual hugs,
Kevin T.

 

[PolyNatural]

... I guess any words of comfort or encouragement would be appreciated.

There are probably a few things I'll end up repeating over and over in this forum and the first is, that the truth about all relationships is that they can form and dissolve whether we want them to or not, and that in the end, the only common denominator is you. Therefore being able to accept the love that comes into your life so that you can feel loved when it's there, and to give the love you have to those in your life now, are the best any of us can do.

The other thing is that marriages are inherently destabilizing in any poly relationship unless everyone is married to each other, and that's seldom the case. Traditional legal marriages here in the West are by definition monogamous, and therefore the addition of anyone else, regardless of whatever the participants themselves think, is a serious ethical compromise. My advice is to stay away from married people and avoid getting caught in it yourself.

 

[Vengro]

To kdt26417 -

Thank you for the kind words. I am internalizing a lot but we've talked a bit since and it's helped. It's also helped for me to stop viewing this as a break up and more as a transition. My meta seems happier and our relationship has improved recently, which is nice, and we're all still getting along, which is also nice. I think it's mainly fear of the future, but even the best laid plans can go astray (as it so obviously did here)

To PolyNatural -

We might have to agree to disagree because I don't agree with anything you said.

...marriages are inherently destabilizing in any poly relationship unless everyone is married to each other, and that's seldom the case.

I think you meant that poly relationships destabilize marriages? Is it because the additional people are seen as lovers and not as close friends? Because by this logic, married people can't have any close friends either as the inclusion of any extra people in a monogamous relationship could destabilize it and cause it to crash and burn.

Traditional legal marriages here in the West are by definition monogamous, and therefore the addition of anyone else, regardless of whatever the participants themselves think, is a serious ethical compromise.

Legal marriages that are, by definition, monogamous, exist outside of the West - not sure why the need to specify that. Also, I find fault with you basically telling me I caused the disruption of this marriage whether I or my partners think I did or not... which in this case is not. This type of thinking seems very anti-poly which is why I'm confused why you also seem to be very pro-poly.

First, ethical compromise is harsh. It's only compromising ethically if one of the parties involved had no consent. In this case, everyone was happy with my inclusion in the family.

Second, you don't know anything about the situation other than my partner and her wife decided to redefine their relationship from romantic to friends. Giving blanket "advice" is fine if it fits the situation, sort of, but in this case I feel like you're talking down to me. Amazingly enough, poly is not always the cause of a relationship ending or transitioning. Sometimes relationships just end and no one is to blame. Sometimes people grow in different ways, and the things they wanted in the beginning are either less or more important, which is one of the things that happened in this situation. Sometimes we still care about our partner but realize in order to save the relationship we need to shift structures... and that's fine.

As I stated in my original post, their relationship would not have been able to continue. The issues in their relationship existed before I arrived on the scene. I magnified them (as is what tends to happen in poly) but there were other sudden events that happened that had nothing to do with me that brought other certain important considerations (that also had nothing to do with me) to the forefront. In short, nothing about their transition had anything to do with me.

I'm sad that the relationship structure I've come to know and love is changing. I know I'll still be friends with my meta (in fact our relationship has improved recently) and we'll still be together for a bit longer, so it's not like that's ending... but the situation will still be different and that's what I'm mourning over as well. I'm sorry if my original post was hard to understand.

 

[PolyNatural]

To PolyNatural -

We might have to agree to disagree because I don't agree with anything you said. I think you meant that poly relationships destabilize marriages?

Not exactly. If someone is legally married under typical Western laws, by definition they're in a mono relationship ( e.g. "one person to the exclusion of all others" - Canada ), so if married people get romantically involved with an extramarital partner, it's adultery, not polyamory, and it forms legal grounds for divorce.

Is it because the additional people are seen as lovers and not as close friends? Because by this logic, married people can't have any close friends either as the inclusion of any extra people in a monogamous relationship could destabilize it and cause it to crash and burn.

Married people can have all the close friends they want. It's additional romantic relationships that are outside the bounds of marriage ( legal Western marriages )

Legal marriages that are, by definition, monogamous, exist outside of the West - not sure why the need to specify that.

I use the phrase "Western" or "Traditional Western" in reference to marriages as a generalization for the status quo for "Western" nations in a historical context so as to differentiate between the traditional cultural norms of marriage in Western civilization as a mono convention, and other kinds of marriages in other cultures where monogamy hasn't been the status quo. It's basically the American and European nations that evolved out of the Roman empire. But let's not get bogged down in the details. I live in Canada and when looking at how marriages are defined in law here and in the USA and most European nations, it is in some way defined as a mono convention. But saying that every time I mention marriage is too much, hence the generalization. I don't really like it either, but I don't have a convenient phrase that works better. Suggestions are welcome.

Also, I find fault with you basically telling me I caused the disruption of this marriage whether I or my partners think I did or not... which in this case is not. This type of thinking seems very anti-poly which is why I'm confused why you also seem to be very pro-poly.

Not sure how to respond there. We'd have to get into more specifics on your assumption.

First, ethical compromise is harsh. It's only compromising ethically if one of the parties involved had no consent. In this case, everyone was happy with my inclusion in the family.

The ethical compromise I speak of relates only to the instances of people who are legally married under a mono system where their vows are to abide by the contract of that system, which can include promises to the state and/or some church or God.

Second, you don't know anything about the situation other than my partner and her wife decided to redefine their relationship from romantic to friends. Giving blanket "advice" is fine if it fits the situation, sort of, but in this case I feel like you're talking down to me.

I'm not "talking down" to anyone. I'm simply stating objective facts. If they don't apply to your situation then just ignore them.

Amazingly enough, poly is not always the cause of a relationship ending or transitioning. Sometimes relationships just end and no one is to blame. Sometimes people grow in different ways, and the things they wanted in the beginning are either less or more important, which is one of the things that happened in this situation. Sometimes we still care about our partner but realize in order to save the relationship we need to shift structures... and that's fine.

Absolutely.

As I stated in my original post, their relationship would not have been able to continue. The issues in their relationship existed before I arrived on the scene. I magnified them (as is what tends to happen in poly) but there were other sudden events that happened that had nothing to do with me that brought other certain important considerations (that also had nothing to do with me) to the forefront. In short, nothing about their transition had anything to do with me.

OK, but according to your post, you have still been involved by virtue of your relationship with your girlfriend, and you spoke of your own divorce as well. So maybe consider what I said about all we can do is our best to deal with our feelings in that context. Keep your chin up and have faith in yourself. People get through worse all the time. So will you.

I'm sad that the relationship structure I've come to know and love is changing. I know I'll still be friends with my meta (in fact our relationship has improved recently) and we'll still be together for a bit longer, so it's not like that's ending... but the situation will still be different and that's what I'm mourning over as well. I'm sorry if my original post was hard to understand.

Certainly no need for an apology. I think you said it best yourself. "Sometimes people grow in different ways, and the things they wanted in the beginning are either less or more important." You seem to have a good handle on what's happening and just need to work your way through it as positively as is possible. How you manage that may be totally different from me. That's OK.