Dealing with Mono Bitterness

B

Bunnielight

Member
Anyone else experience this? I'm sure most of you have, it would just do me some good to relate with some seasoned poly friend advice on this topic.

I had a feeling this would happen, but it's hit me in areas I never really thought that it would. When mono friends/acquaintances become bitter toward you and your lifestyle. Even if you avoid disclosing unless asked. Talking about your life in any way becomes a negativity trigger for those around you. Single friends are frustrated because they are unhappy themselves and don't understand your level of "selfishness" or why nothing has worked for them, while you have multiple loves.

I've had another friend or two pass judgement and indirectly accuse me of gloating. It doesn't really matter the context or if they asked. Your happiness is somehow seen as a negative thing because you have excess in your life.

I've had several of my close friendships start to deteriorate because their negative feelings or personal dealings affect the way they see me in my life. I try to keep my mouth shut about it at this point, but with seasonal depression coming around again, it's hard to shake this feeling of loss. I feel like it's unavoidable in some ways, as Pixie has explained to me through her own experiences, I just wonder what else I can do to keep my friendships from losing faith in who they thought I was. I'm really no different, they just seem to view me differently now.
 
Don't let it bother you. They just don't understand poly, and there isn't much you can do other than just live your life and not pay much credence to the negative things they say.

If someone calls you selfish, say, "Nah, not selfish, just lucky!" and be your damn happy self!

If someone says you're gloating, say, "I'm not bragging or gloating, I'm just happy and feel no reason to hide it!"

If someone gets downright nasty, then tell them, "You don't get to speak to me like that."

They'll get over it. A good friend of mine used to say it was selfish of me to want more than one lover when she and all the women she knows have a hard time finding just one. My response was always, "I just don't see why I need to limit myself!" She hasn't said that kind of thing in a long time. Let it roll off you like water off a duck's back.
 
I have a lot of single friends but none of them have resented me having multiple partners. I don't understand why some people have so much trouble attracting people while I have a number of men that would like to get with me.
 
One of my friends responded fairly negatively after I disclosed to her that I'm poly. It bothered me for a few hours, until she texted me, letting me know that she was really sorry. She explained that she didn't know what to say, said some insensitive things, and was glad that I told her. She also said she admired my ability to live my life without caring how other people might judge me, something challenging for her. It was a great conversation and gave me insight into why some people may respond negatively.

All of my other mono friends are supportive, even if they don't fully understand it. They're happy that I'm happy, at least as far as I can tell. I think if they weren't, I would question if I wanted people in my life who didn't love me for who I am...

Sorry to hear that you haven't gotten the responses you hoped for, but for me, I think I would use it as an opportunity to see who my true friends were (easier said than done, of course!).
 
I've had a few female acquaintances accuse me of being "greedy" or say things like "How come you get to have two great guys and I can't even find one?" To the "greedy" comments, I just shrug and say "Yep, I am." They don't have any response to that. To the "How come" comments, I shrug and say, "I don't know, I guess I'm just lucky."

(S2 overheard one of the "How come" comments once, and when the woman was out of hearing said to me, "Gee, maybe you get to have more than one guy because you're an amazing person, and she can't find any because she should be more like you instead of bitter and bitchy.")
 
My answer is men like women who are independent and aren't bitter and bitchy.
 
I am basically in the closet, so very few people (outside fellow polyamorists) know that I'm poly. The few that know have been appreciative and respectful so far.

Back when I was participating in certain dating websites, I did get some nasty commentary from people who didn't really know me, other than that I was poly. I can't say I enjoyed it, but I, well, moved past it.
 
Nobody has ever accused me of being selfish. I have had some try and tear me down by saying things like "that's not love." I have to assume they resent being stuck in monogamy.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I've had several of my close friendships start to deteriorate because their negative feelings or personal dealings affect the way they see me in my life
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Yep. Their stuff. Not you.

How about being ok letting them go? Mourn the loss, but let it deteriorate and fade? It's not your job to deal with their bitterness. It is THEIR job to deal with it and resolve it appropriately. I also don't think it has anything to do with you or poly. I think it has to do with these people themselves and their life outlook.

I have let a few friends go recently. They started out ok but changed. They had become draining "victim mentality" people. Most of the time moaning that they are un-partnered/partnered wrong didn't have the right job... just endless litany of doom.

They know I am poly. (One was fine with it and had poly dated in the past. The other one wigged out and then calmed down to more like "Not for me. I'd be too jealous. But ok. Whatever works for you.") So nope. It wasn't the poly thing.

What they were bitching about was my being married it not being "fair"

  • That their marriage failed and they didn't know why and lalalala.
  • That their marriage was terrible and they didn't know why and how come I got a "good one" and they did not.

I see this type in parent boards sometimes -- that so and so is pregnant and they are not even though TTC for years and how it is unfair the other one got pregnant faster and they are still waiting. Oy.

The "everything is "unfair" people. I think it is basically that these people have both entitlement and victim mentality. Believe that the world "owes" them somehow and when the world fails to magically produce it, they bitch and moan about it like they were robbed somehow. They don't want to take personal responsibility and start working on solutions. They just want an audience to bitch and moan to.

I don't know how they got that way. I just know it's emotional/energy vampire feeling to me and I rather just not be friends with that draining type.

Galagirl
 
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