I'm pretty new to Poly. My wife and I opened our marriage in the Fall of this year. Since then, we've each found another partner, and have both jumped in with two feet. I've been dating my girlfriend for only about 6 weeks, but we've really hit it off hot and heavy both physically and emotionally. My girlfriend also has a husband, and until yesterday, a second partner (me being the third). Yesterday, he broke up with her. She's devastated. She was/is in love with him and they had been together for almost two years. For me, this is my first experience with being a partner of someone who has broken up with one of their other partners. Also, I haven't been in a new relationship since meeting my wife 15 years ago, so aside from it being super foreign dealing with a paramours breakup, I'm kinda lost generally.
He has a wife and another gf besides me. He met the gf a couple months before he met me.
He came over for a date the other night and told me he'd broken up with her. Or is maybe taking a break because she's having issues. He told her he can't keep seeing her unless she gets some help.
He's fairly new to poly. He and his wife just got married this summer. They've only been together 2 years, in a poly relationship from the start, but still newbies.
So, I know he doesn't have many people yet to talk to about the ups and downs of poly dating. I let him tell me some stuff about his issues with his gf, or now his ex gf or whatever. But he has a good quality of being very present with whomever he is with. And I don't really want to know too much about his issues with his gf. That's between them. So after I let him vent for like 15 minutes, I changed the subject, told him about my recent visit to my sister in Florida, and then suggested we go out and have the fun shopping trip we'd planned. And we continued on in our date focused on each other, and not my metamour, and his feelings about her.
I think you need to learn that you can't be your poly partner's sole counselor when they are having issues with someone else they are seeing, or have a breakup or whatever. It gets icky. I don't like to know too many details which my metamour might not like me knowing. You have to draw a line. Suggest your gf tell another friend about her breakup if she needs to vent and needs help. Or maybe suggest she get counseling if she's really distraught.
I agree with Magdlyn. Be a shoulder for your partner to cry on if that's what she needs. Give her hugs and cuddles, or space, or whatever will help her that ISN'T just listening to a lot of venting. A little is probably ok, but personally I find that it can be damaging long term to have too much negative (and sometimes even the positive) spill over from one relationship to the next.
All you can do is just be there for your girlfriend, if she needs a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or just some space while she works through her emotions. It's up to her, you just need to be there for her. What about her husband, is he helping her get through this? It probably would be a good idea for her to get a counselor, just while she struggles with the early pain from this breakup. You can only help her up to a certain point.
Hopefully the posts in this thread have been helpful so far,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
