Dealing with stigma and house sharing - advice please?

S

Spyro

New member
Hello

I've been in relationship with two different men for coming up to three years now. I define it as polyamory because both are aware of and accept the other and we are open about what we do, although my two partners do not spend time together.

I currently live with one of my partners, let's call him Liam, I met him ten years ago and have lived with him for most of that time. My other partner, let's call him John, I met three years ago and we don't live together but are romantically involved. John is 40 years older than me whereas Liam is closer to my age.

We are trying to create a situation where I can see both of my partners more equally and be more independent, so I have decided to move out for a while and see how it goes. However the only thing I can afford is a house share. I'm a little worried about the stigma/ criticism that may come from housemates, both about being poly and about one of my partners being so much older. I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience or any advice on dealing with this? Do you ignore what others think about your relationships, have you had negative comments? I don't want to impose something on my new housemates that they are uncomfortable with, but both of these men are an important part of me!
 
Will you be house sharing with close friends, or with people you've never met before? I'm going to assume that these house mates are new people, don't know much about you.

You don't need to share that much with them. You're sharing a living space, not entwining your life with theirs.
What are the house rules? Are others allowed to have overnight guests? Do any overnight guests need to be approved by the rest of the household? If yes, maybe find a different house share. If not, none of their business. They may judge you for seeing different people coming and going from your bedroom, but it's their problem, not yours. I don't see how you would be imposing anything on anyone, as long as you are considerate with noise, use of the bathroom, etc. (Neither of which have anything to do with poly or age gaps, that's just being a good house mate.)

I've been in a similar situation and it wasn't an issue.
 
Thanks for the thoughts :) yes they are people who I don't know. I've never shared a house with strangers before so I really don't know what the rules are! But you're right about sharing a living space and not a lifestyle. I just hope that they see it that way too!

I suppose I am a little self-conscious about how unusual my lifestyle is (I was pretty conventional until I met John) and I worry that they are going to judge me badly for it. I am not 'out' to any of my family or friends about him, they all think I am monogamous and none of them know him. So it is a pretty big step to have other people who know about us, even if they are strangers.

It's reassuring that you've been in a similar situation though and found it ok.
 
I hope you find a good situation for yourself. Interview them well, get a good idea of their attitudes and expectations.
Best of luck. Xx
 
Maybe you should do some more inner work with yourself. Your situation is unusual and many people do judge both the poly part of it as well as the age gap. However, I have noticed that people react more to the way things are presented to them than the actual fact.

So, if you are confident about your life choices and present them to others matter-of-factly, very few people are going to judge you. But, if you are unsure and nervous when you tell about those choices, people will react badly.

Good luck to the new chapter of your life!
 
Both Zymurgist, and my poly friend Rhythm, all share flats with others and are open about the status of their relationships just fine. I suppose thinking about it, both of them are kind of the primary tenants (i.e. they've been on the lease the longest, they found people to move in with them rather than the other way around). If it does start looking difficult moving *into* a place with existing residents, perhaps you can look to renting somewhere brand new and finding your own flatmates? That way you'd be interviewing them about their suitability to live with you, rather than the other way around. I will say that one thing that does help in such situations is non-adjacent bedrooms. ;)
 
Spyro said:
I've never shared a house with strangers before so I really don't know what the rules are! But you're right about sharing a living space and not a lifestyle. I just hope that they see it that way too!
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I'm confused. What would make you choose to move in with these people if you haven't asked them about any rules, attitudes, responsibilities, etc. related to living there with them?

How did you interview them if these things weren't discussed? You're not just moving in because it's the first available share you found, are you?
 
Hi Spyro,

Being negatively judged is no picnic, but it's much less serious than if the person judging you can do actual damage to your life and employment. You must assess your prospective housemates to decide how much damage they can do to you if they want to. Perhaps it would help to have a second house lined up just in case.

Good luck to you, let us know if we can be of further help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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