Depression starting from when I started dating

Hi.

Thanks for the greater clarity of the picture. Affair to polyamory always seems to be a really painful path. I find it interesting that you describe what your metamour is going through now when your wife wants to continue relations with you to be similar to another affair, this time with the 'affair' being to 'cheat' on her with you. Your metamour probably entered the affair with the view that your wife was willing to betray her marriage vows for her (for the metamour). Seeing your wife still display love and loyalty to you is confusing for the metamour since she was expecting monogamy from your wife. I see now what you mean in the opening post when you say your metamour is pushing for you and your wife to divorce. Your recent posts seem to indicate that your wife is starting to see the unfairness in this as well. Perhaps the NRE is starting to fade. That would be good news for you, I think.

I recently explored "falling in love" vs "growing in love" as two separate emotions that the English language confuses. You and your wife might find it interesting. I suspect my opening post there will reflect many things the two of you have already discovered about love in the last year and a half.
 
But from talking to my wife, she's been making it clear she is willing to let go because she sees how much this is hurting not just her but also our marriage.
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Is your wife willing to let this go/walking away?

Is she able to keep away once gone or does she get sucked back in?

Does wife recognize this is not a healthy relationship?

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Is your wife willing to let this go/walking away?

Is she able to keep away once gone or does she get sucked back in?

Does wife recognize this is not a healthy relationship?

Galagirl
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She is willing to let this go, or so she says...because each time she says she's done with the drama, she goes right back when the metamour begs her to go back. She also recognizes this isn't a healthy relationship but cannot manage to pull herself away from it it seems.

My wife also says that going forward, she is still interested in pursuing other women but with the clear understanding from the beginning that she is still married and not wanting to cut off the marriage. I am concerned though long term this may not work for me. When too much drama is going on, I always find myself hurt to see her hurt and almost feel like it's my fault for not being there for her even though it's her choice to live separately.

I will get through this, I know!
 
She also recognizes this isn't a healthy relationship but cannot manage to pull herself away from it it seems.
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She may have to go no contact. At least she recognizes this is not healthy.

My wife also says that going forward, she is still interested in pursuing other women but with the clear understanding from the beginning that she is still married and not wanting to cut off the marriage. I am concerned though long term this may not work for me.
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I would suggest you cross that bridge when you get to it. Take it one thing at a time.

Right now (your wife) has to deal with ending it with the unhealthy partner for good.

And (you and wife together) have to deal with finding a way to live in the same place so you can work on the marriage repairs together.

That's plenty enough for now. Sort out your present day stuff first. Then the future stuff. Then you don't get as overwhelmed.

Galagirl
 
Hey GalaGirl, Shaya, Tinwen, kdt, FallenAngelina:

I sincerely thank you all for all of your support and perspectives. While I am still a bit shattered due to facing head to head with everything all at once, the feedback you have all given has slowly helped me to pull my life back together.

Fortunately my wife has come to terms through all of my suffering and her suffering that she can and will end her unhealthy relationship with the metamour for good. That's a key step. My temporary relationship was also unhealthy since it created a long distance event that I simply wasn't ready for emotionally and logistically.

As far as being together, we will both make a commitment to spend more time together in both Hawaii and Taiwan. It will be a challenge to work out all of the logistics but at least we have a framework to start.

FallenAngelina - one difficulty of the situation of course is coming to terms that divorce might ultimately be the best way to go. Then the solution is working on the relationship for other reasons - emotional and financial - while accepting the uncertainties of life.

Again my sincerest thanks to you all. The key with situational depression as I've seen is putting your finger on exactly what the issues are and just organizing and tackling issues one at a time to pull yourself out of it. One thing that helped me a tremendous amount during this time was constantly reminding myself of the temporary nature of my situation as well as connecting with friends and family, getting enough sleep, lowering goals but increasing as you're ready, and getting plenty of exercise.
 
Glad to hear that you are doing better. Best wishes!
 
Good luck, Explorer. You and your wife sound like you have firm plans.

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but it may not be smooth sailing despite the firm commitment you have from your wife. You may find affair recovery resources on how to deal with an intrusive 3rd party who wants to continue the relationship may be helpful if it comes to that. Your wife may also find it difficult to give up the relationship and there are resources there that can help if your metamour isn't agreeable to the split up between her and your wife and is recurrently intrusive with emails or phone calls, all of which may be difficult for your wife to ignore because they serve as a memory of better times.

Still, I feel happy that the two of you have come to an agreement and have a plan to go forwards.

Wishing you and your wife the best of luck,
Shaya.
 
Glad to hear you are doing a bit better and the situational depression is lifting a little bit. Def take care of your basics like eating, sleeping, exercising, etc.

Galagirl
 
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