Designing a relationship to grow over time

W

Wisp

New member
The book More Than Two has been a great read for me. I am working my way through each chapter and seeing what things we have done right, wrong, and things we need to think about.

My Beloved asked me several weeks ago if this relationship as it stands is enough for me. He and his life partner live together and do all the things that life partners do. I have my own home , am a busy working mom of two teens. I have joint custody of the teens with my ex. Alone time is also very important for me to recharge my batteries and focus on my own interests. The nature of my job, being a mom, and being in a poly family demand a lot of energy/giving. I love my ability to have personal space/time when kids are with their other parent and I have days off. Beloved also needs his personal time, as I'm sure it's a lot of work to fully love two women!

Beloved and I see each other about once per week. Just negotiated overnights twice a month. Beloved and I talk daily on the phone, and text frequently. All of us also do group chats daily and have a nightly goodnight call. Honestly it's about all we can handle right now, and it's a good balance.

I am thinking, after reading the book More Than Two, how we might engineer the possibility of growth and change into the relationship. Beloved's life partner is a non-poly woman who is being very generous and trusting right now to allow this and give her blessing on our poly family. However I know she also feels a bit scared that the relationship between Beloved and I might grow and push her aside, or threaten the structure they currently have. I don't want her to feel that way, and I get where she's coming from.

On the other hand, I have always been told by them both I am loved, I am wanted, and I have an equal voice in family negotiations. I have found this to be true with our most recent family meeting where we needed to negotiate some things.

I want very much to allow for growth and change of our family as life and circumstances change. I don't know what the future will look like, but I want to keep our options open. So how can I talk about this topic in a non-threatening way? And how can we avoid making promises or rules that we might regret later?
 
Last edited:
More Than Two is one of my favorite books on poly so far-- life doesn't afford me much time to read (which I miss!), but I'm about halfway through right now. The best part is that, every time I pick it up, it seems to have a message for me, something I need to read that's relevant to what's going on in my life.

Now, for life / relationship building, the first thing is to figure out what you want. Are you happy with things as they are? Would you be content if they stay that way indefinitely? If things change, do you have some idea of how you'd like them to grow, or are you comfortable just letting it develop organically? Either way can be a fine answer, in my opinion, just so long as you're making the choice a conscious one and answering honestly about what will make you happy.

Then you'll need to talk to Beloved and his LP about what they want and envision. If you're worried about causing her stress or anxiety because she might think you're trying to push her out, my best advice is to address that head-on. Tell her, "I want to help mitigate those fears; I want to help you feel reassured that you are very much included in this, and I want to thank you for your trust and willingness to make this work." That sort of thing. Then actively listen to what she has to say and, then, most importantly do your best to help meet those needs.

If you can all discover your own personal wants/needs, then, so long as they aren't completely incompatible, I think you will find a way to navigate these waters.
 
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. :)

LittleSingingBat said:
Now, for life / relationship building, the first thing is to figure out what you want. Are you happy with things as they are? Would you be content if they stay that way indefinitely? If things change, do you have some idea of how you'd like them to grow, or are you comfortable just letting it develop organically? Either way can be a fine answer, in my opinion, just so long as you're making the choice a conscious one and answering honestly about what will make you happy.
Click to expand...

Right now I am very happy with the way things are. I think my life has balance and fulfillment.

I am not sure yet if I would be happy if things were to stay the way they are indefinitely. At some point my kids will grow up and leave home and I may have more time on my hands. Or, maybe I will desire to spend more time with Beloved and with our little poly family. OR, maybe I will continue to like things the way they are. Who knows?

The only thing I wish more for, and I think they do, too, is I would like more family casual hang-out time. Like watching TV together in the evening or sharing more meals. Unfortunately we live just far enough apart to make this inconvenient and too time-consuming. But it is what it is.

LittleSingingBat said:
Then you'll need to talk to Beloved and his LP about what they want and envision. If you're worried about causing her stress or anxiety because she might think you're trying to push her out, my best advice is to address that head-on. Tell her, "I want to help mitigate those fears; I want to help you feel reassured that you are very much included in this, and I want to thank you for your trust and willingness to make this work." That sort of thing. Then actively listen to what she has to say and, then, most importantly do your best to help meet those needs.

If you can all discover your own personal wants/needs, then, so long as they aren't completely incompatible, I think you will find a way to navigate these waters.
Click to expand...

We had a most wonderful family meeting a week ago, where we all felt we needed to give hi-fives because it worked so well. We each drew up a list of our wishes/desires in different categories, then we addressed each one. We found that in 90% of the categories we all wanted the same thing. We negotiated the other things very well.

As far as Beloved's LP, I have always reassured her that she is part of the package, my desire is to have us all together, and to respect and honor her relationship with Beloved and the life they have made together. But I know it's scary for her as things go forward, for example the overnights. Originally she didn't want them-- wanted to be able to wake up next to her LP every morning. But we have enough trust now that we are trying overnights every other week.

Thank you again for responding, and I have enjoyed your replies on other threads.
 
Oh! I can tell that you're a pro! I love that you've already done everything I could suggest!

Wisp said:
We had a most wonderful family meeting a week ago, where we all felt we needed to give hi-fives because it worked so well. We each drew up a list of our wishes/desires in different categories, then we addressed each one. We found that in 90% of the categories we all wanted the same thing. We negotiated the other things very well.
Click to expand...

Great job! My partners and I had a meeting like that not long ago and it's one of the best feelings ever. Even as we're navigating rough waters of our own right now, we're all very proud of how well we're "adulting." From experience, if you can communicate clearly, civilly, and often, it just makes it so much easier to focus on the matters at hand.

Anyway, I don't have a lot more to add, but I wanted to tell you, good on you, keep it up, and don't be afraid to tell them what you've told me here: You're happy right now (and for some time, I'd wager) but you'd like to keep the relationship flexible to adapt and grow as things change.

From there, just keep reevaluating how you each feel and keep having those family meetings.

Wishing you love and light,
Bat
 
Bat, thanks for your encouragement! It's all still new and we are figuring things out. Often make mistakes even though we all have the best of intentions.
 
Can you design or engineer a relationship? I'm not sure. I think all anyone can do is make the effort to be present, speak their truths, and act accordingly. When we start getting into laying out plans and trying to get loved ones to fit into pre-conceived roles or ideals, a lot of mischief and disappointment can result. So, I am always of the "see what happens" mindset.
 
Hi Wisp,

It seems to me that the one thing you know you would like going forward is, for the relationship to be flexible. That's what I would tell them (Beloved and LP). "I want you to know I'm very happy with the way things are right now, and I just hope we can be flexible in the future." No need to make promises or rules you might regret; you don't know specifically what you'll want in the future anyway.

I hope that helps a little,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Wisp,

It seems to me that the one thing you know you would like going forward is, for the relationship to be flexible. That's what I would tell them (Beloved and LP). "I want you to know I'm very happy with the way things are right now, and I just hope we can be flexible in the future." No need to make promises or rules you might regret; you don't know specifically what you'll want in the future anyway.

I hope that helps a little,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thank you, I like that, very much!

We have decided to review our agreements every 6 months, anticipating changing needs and desires. Of course, if something really is not working before that time, we will address that issue sooner.
 
nycindie said:
Can you design or engineer a relationship? I'm not sure. I think all anyone can do is make the effort to be present, speak their truths, and act accordingly. When we start getting into laying out plans and trying to get loved ones to fit into pre-conceived roles or ideals, a lot of mischief and disappointment can result. So, I am always of the "see what happens" mindset.
Click to expand...


Very very good point. And from what I'm reading in the More Than Two book, sometimes an agreement that sounds great at the time starts to hurt people and not serve them later as things change.
 
Wisp - I am interested in what your categories were. My boyfriend and I are having hiccups.
 
Re (from Wisp):
"We have decided to review our agreements every six months, anticipating changing needs and desires."
Click to expand...

That sounds like a good idea.

Re:
"Of course, if something really is not working before that time, we will address that issue sooner."
Click to expand...

That makes sense.
 
Bluebird said:
Wisp - I am interested in what your categories were. My boyfriend and I are having hiccups.
Click to expand...


I've had a couple long days of work and am behind on this thread. One more day and I'll come back and share. Stay tuned. ;)
 
Bluebird said:
Wisp - I am interested in what your categories were. My boyfriend and I are having hiccups.
Click to expand...

I hope the hiccups pass soon. This is not always easy, is it?

Okay here goes--

We start off by "in a perfect world, I desire . . ."

Categories are--
-- I desire for myself

-- I desire for the relationship between LP and I

-- I desire for the relationship between Beloved and I

-- I desire for the relationship between my kids and I

-- I desire for our chosen family (us three and our collective kids)

-- I desire for the three of us (state current and future goals)


It was nice to know each of our personal goals because we could now be aware of those and support each other with them (one if mine was improving my health). Most of our goals matched, but the overnights had to be negotiated. I wanted weekly overnights with Beloved. LP was still getting used to the idea of overnights at all (see my other thread to explain her feelings), and Beloved wanted overnights to be "an option," but also wanted to make sure he had his own personal time somewhere in there. We settled on dates every week, with every other week being an overnight. Beautiful compromise.
 
Last edited:
Wisp said:
Right now I am very happy with the way things are. I think my life has balance and fulfillment.
Click to expand...

Then there's nothing more you need. :)

Anything beyond this is what granny used to call borrowing trouble. In my view, the poly world puts waaaaaay too much emphasis on planning and talking things out with the aim of mitigating every possible disaster. Yes, there's a bit of education that successful poly requires, but a relationship is a relationship. A relationship that grows over time isn't so much something you plan out as it's something you look back on. Know yourself, know when you're happy and that's really all of the information that you need. The poly playbooks can help some folks, but they are not Bibles. (Even The Bible is not a Bible.) Your own happiness right now tells you everything you need to know.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Then there's nothing more you need. :)

Anything beyond this is what granny used to call borrowing trouble. In my view, the poly world puts waaaaaay too much emphasis on planning and talking things out with the aim of mitigating every possible disaster. Yes, there's a bit of education that successful poly requires, but a relationship is a relationship. A relationship that grows over time isn't so much something you plan out as it's something you look back on. Know yourself, know when you're happy and that's really all of the information that you need. The poly playbooks can help some folks, but they are not Bibles. (Even The Bible is not a Bible.) Your own happiness right now tells you everything you need to know.
Click to expand...

Yes you have good points here! And I am very happy even as we continue to grow as people as we grow as a family.

I had read of many poly families where growth was limited by rules, and I think they were put into place by the primary couple (or one member of it) to make sure they were always the ones in power. I'm relieved that my family is not like that (and indeed if they were, I would not be there much longer!)
 
Thanks for posting those! :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top