developing feelings for partner's best friend

[biabiabiaaaa]

Hey yall. So this has been a very recent development and it's something that is giving me much anxiety. I tried finding posts that relate to my experience but I only found a handful, but if there are more that I missed in my erratic search then apologies for adding a repetitive entry to this forum!!

I've been with my partner for almost 2 years now, and through him I met a common friend who I would consider a very close friend of his if not his best friend. Now, I am aware that from the day I met the friend I find him quite fascinating, but I just chalked it up to us having a very similar maturity level and way of processing our feelings!! I've known him now for like over a year and a half, and I like him so so much, I've always respected him, always wanted to do group hangouts more if he was present, and I love it when its just us 3.

My partner and I are poly but still quite inexperienced because we've never actually put it to much practice other than the casual kissing other people at parties and such. I was very aware of my infatuation for the friend, but I thought it was a fluke or that of course I'd like him this much bc hes pretty, handsome, funny, emotionally mature and aware, he's a whole package!!

This week he seeked me out to talk about some relationship troubles with his current gf, troubles that I understand and even had with my partner!! This friend voiced that in his experience he doesnt think he'd enjoy polyamory but I truly think that these assertions are based in not knowing much about it. This past month or so I gradually started to feel more and more nervous about hanging out bc I noticed my crush had started to grow, and I was afraid I'd let it show, but after this chat I got the impression that he likes me more than just an average friend, I'm just not sure he likes me romantically or sexually. I don't even think that we would be compatible in a romantic/sexual relationship, but I do have a big interest in a deeper friendship, cuddling and just skinship, but I'm deathly afraid of making him uncomfortable.

I desperately want to tell my partner about this, but I haven't had the opportunity to ever since my epiphany, but hopefully we'll have some time today and I'll come clean about these feelings. I will talk to him about the concept of messy lists. I think I will be a bit devastated if he tells me he's uncomfortable with me liking his best friend even if I don't act on these feelings, but I can cope.

This intensity is also being modulated by being in the peak of my ovulation period, so I logically understand that there's no true urgency (thanks a lot, hormones), but I also haven't felt this intense crush in so so so long, if ever. I like it when he seeks me out particularly, I love it that we just tend to get each other with one look, I like it that often only I will understand a comment or joke he makes, and I want so desperately for him to like me the same way.

Last night, we went to a bar, and were playing pool, and it wasnt the first time, and idk what it was, but he kept giving me tips on how to play better and telling all these stories to me particularly and i was like o.o !!!!!!!!!

I know that the best thing to do is to discuss it with my partner, which I hope I can get to today, i just needed to write this to vent and let my train of thought go on its own. Thanks for reading. I will accept any advice if anyone has gone through a similar predicament. Thanks!! <3

 

[kdt26417]

Hello biabiabiaaaa,

You certainly have a situation brewing there. I believe you are handling it the right way so far, you are going to tell your partner about it, and honor his wishes. Best case scenario he will say go for it, and you will find that his best friend reciprocates your feelings. In any case, tell your partner first, and then if your partner is okay with it, tell his best friend. It is kind of scary to have these conversations, but it is better to get it all out on the table. Perhaps the best friend will be into you enough to start learning about poly. I hope so.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

Before you bring it up with your partner you should see whether he has any interest his friend that is in you pursuing something more. No sense in bringing it up with your partner if there’s no interest on the other side.

On the contrary, partner is already open to polyamory but crush isn't.

Poly partners communicate effectively with each other.

But in this case, if I were you I'd let it go. Crush has a gf. Crush is mono. Enjoy crush but don't pursue it.

 

[LoveBunny]

The best friend has stated he isn't interested in poly, even if he does have a little crush on you. And if things go sideways, you could cost your partner his best friend. Probably best to let this one go.