Didn't expect to struggle this much emotionally

BelleInconnue

BelleInconnue

New member
Hi everyone,
I'm in a "vee", with my male partner having a wife, with whom I'm friends, and a 9-year-old daughter. I moved to their area (had been living a couple hours away) about 5 months ago and lived with them for 4 months while I looked for a job (just changed careers and was job hunting) and found a place of my own. Things went really well when living there--I get along very well with both the daughter and wife. Only issue is the daughter doesn't know the true nature of my relationship with her dad, though she knows we are very close friends and used to date in high school. Therefore, around her, we had to act like we were just friends, which prevented us from being able to sleep in the same bed very often, but it wasn't a deal breaker (she will be told when she gets a little older, when the parents are ready for it--they don't want to confuse her too much or have her tell the wife's parents--they don't want them to know anytime soon).

Anyway, I was looking forward to moving into my own place for various reasons--just having my own space to do what I want in and a place where my boyfriend and I can be ourselves and be together freely. I only live a few miles away, which is a real stroke of good luck, so it is easy for my boyfriend to just pop over. However, since I moved in 3 weeks ago, I have felt very lonely and have been sad. It has been a few years since I have lived alone (was living with roommates before that while finishing my degree) and I was unprepared for how lonely I would feel and how much I would miss living with my boyfriend and seeing him every single day, going to sleep in the same house, having dinner together every night, etc. I have accepted from day 1 that I am in a poly relationship and boyfriend has a family in place already and that will never change--I never intended on changing that and I totally respect that and accept that to this day. I am just finding myself feeling very emotional and sad and grieving for not living with him and the fact that I am not able to have that "primary" relationship with him where we live together and sleep together every night. He and I have talked about eventually getting a place together (all of us living together) and that is something he says he must have happen at some point because he also wants to live with me since I am just as important to him as his legal wife. However, we're talking a good while down the road because it is not until his daughter eventually knows and then there is the consideration of his in-laws figuring things out, which is not something anyone wants right now. I love him so much and we have a great relationship and I am not interested in finding another partner to "fill the void"--however, I need support I guess with these feelings I'm having. It doesn't help that I just started a new job (I'm a medical professional) and it is stressful and I don't know many people around here. This is my first poly relationship, too. I was married before and so it feels odd for me to move into a place and not have my life partner live with me. I want to adjust because it is totally worth it to me to be in this relationship. I do try to use positive coping skills when feeling sad/lonely/negative/missing him and I do try to meditate and help myself, but sometimes I just have a good cry instead. I feel it when I am with my boyfriend too, oddly enough--instead of just cherishing the time we have together, I find myself getting sad because things changed and I don't get to live with him. I want to get a handle on these emotions. Anyone with positive advice, please hit me up!

Belle
 
This may sound shallow, but I say dive into decorating your apartment. I think you can begin by really making your new place a haven and sanctuary for yourself. You are someone of value and beauty independent of having a husband or boyfriend - let your personal space express who you are. Focus on only surrounding yourself with colors and objects that make you feel good. Toss what drags you down.

Also look at meetup.com and other resources for going out locally and getting to know other people, making friends, having activities to do. You won't feel sorry for yourself after a day of hiking (as an example) with a fun group of people, and then a fantastic dinner you make just to please yourself. Have a life that centers on you, not your boyfriend, if you know what I mean by that.
 
Re (from BelleInconnue):
"She will be told when she gets a little older, when the parents are ready for it -- they don't want to confuse her too much or have her tell the wife's parents -- they don't want them to know anytime soon."
Click to expand...

Gosh, how much is "a little?" When will the parents be ready for it? When does "anytime soon" expire?

Re:
"He and I have talked about eventually getting a place together (all of us living together) and that is something he says he must have happen at some point because he also wants to live with me since I am just as important to him as his legal wife."
Click to expand...

When is "eventually" and "at some point?"

Re:
"However, we're talking a good while down the road because it is not until his daughter eventually knows and then there is the consideration of his in-laws figuring things out, which is not something anyone wants right now."
Click to expand...

How long is "a good while?" ... and if not "right now," then when?

Sounds to me like you've been put on hold, and no one's committing to any reliable kind of timetable. Are you sure none of your emotional upsetness has to do with wondering if you are as much of a priority in this man's life as he says? I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but I can see how without a due date weeks could turn into months could turn into years could turn into decades. On the other hand I know that you may have a closer estimate than your original post stated. Just concerned me a little, that's all.

On the other hand, you've only been in your new place for three weeks. That's not very long. Maybe if you just give it some time things will get easier.

I thought nycindie's advice was good. Try some of that and see if that helps.

Good luck and keep us posted, okay?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
being "put on hold"

Thanks Kevin and Cyndi for your replies...I appreciate the support. We have been together for a year and a half and things have gone very well so far--I know he loves me and I am a high priority to him. I do accept the fact that they aren't ready to tell their daughter everything quite yet since they are the parents and it is their decision; however, boyfriend has told her we are very close and we all love each other and that I am a member of the family, which the daughter seems very happy about. She just doesn't know that he and I are actually in a "relationship". He is truly a wonderful man and very good to me--he has some of his stuff at my apartment and does consider it his second home, which I love. Admittedly, I just started a new job and am working more days than normal because I'm still in training in my new job (which ends next week and then, I will have more days during the week free, which used to be our special time together while the wife and daughter are at work/school). He plans to spend all my days off with me during the week and then Sat and Sun with wife and daughter for their special time since wife works M-F during the day. I do understand too that since he has a child more time will be spent with the family unit for her sake. I understand and accept all this mentally but emotionally I still have these feelings of loneliness come up. I am hoping that after I adjust to my new job (which is pretty stressful and entails a lot of responsibility; I'm new in this profession as well which makes it more stressful) and living alone here and get back to a more regular schedule with more days during the week free that I will feel better. Thanks for the support--it means a lot since obviously there aren't many people I can talk to about this situation who would understand!
 
No prob -- However we can help we'll be happy to.

Sounds to me like you mostly just need some time and a chance to acclimatize and develop your "sea legs." In the meantime the least we can do here is supply a listening ear.

I suspect that their daughter will probably handle "the news" pretty well. That's just quick intuition on my part though.
 
Thanks so much, Kevin. I truly appreciate the support and replies. Will keep you posted!
 
What sorts of things do you enjoy doing?
Get out and explore your neighborhood and town.
Find some repeating social activities.
Maybe search for poly activities.
For example; in Seattle there is a knitting group of poly and poly friendly people. There's also a group that goes hiking and another that has a game night.
These types of groups would be a great social network where you could make friends, enjoy an activity, and be free to talk about your poly situation without being judged.
Additionally; they generally are VERY understanding of the need to respect confidentiality in other venues because many of the people are not "out".
 
poly activities

Hi LovingRadiance,
That's a good idea, finding poly-friendly group and activities. There are a couple of groups in my area, but I hesitated about getting involved because I wasn't sure if it was more of a place where people are looking to date others--I'm not looking to date anyone else so just want a place where I can relate to others without being judged and have support and make some friends. I will give it a go. Much appreciated.
 
A bit over 4 years ago, I moved to a city 250 miles away. I had family, but no friends and was very lonely. You are definitely missing him, but you likely also crave other adults to interact with. LR and NYC made great suggestions. Think about things you enjoy or are involved with. If you're spiritual, find a local group you can join to meet people and make plans to join in activities. Book clubs, cooking classes, and other organized groups might be a good idea. I also suggest setting aside one day a week for you in which you are free to plan anything you want without worrying about hurting someone. You could use it to go out with your bf, go fishing, read a book, or whatever you enjoy where you can meet like-minded people and develop friendships. I joined a couple of local groups here and once I started developing friendships and a social life here, the loneliness became managable. Good luck!
 
First off actually kids are not as fragile as we think. My oldest child who is 20 took things the hardest. My younger kids who were 5 and 9 just really didn't care. They just rolled with it.

Why can't your boyfriend come spend a night our two at your house during the week for a sleep over? I spend as close to 50/50 between Murf's house and Butch's house. I do not believe in the whole primary secondary thing just for this reason. Why are Butch's wants and needs more important than Murf's just because we have a piece of paper legally binding us. No..

I agree with others. Get out have a social life. Heck get a pet. Of your lease doesn't allow for a cat or dog maybe a pocket pet. Hawk my Guinea pig is great company and loves attention and being talked to.
 
BelleInconnue said:
Hi LovingRadiance,
That's a good idea, finding poly-friendly group and activities. There are a couple of groups in my area, but I hesitated about getting involved because I wasn't sure if it was more of a place where people are looking to date others--I'm not looking to date anyone else so just want a place where I can relate to others without being judged and have support and make some friends. I will give it a go. Much appreciated.
Click to expand...

I completely understand! It does totally depend on the group. But-there's nothing saying that you need to continue to attend a group that doesn't match your needs. :)
I'm not available either and the only group that is near us (we are in Alaska) is a total meat-market. So, I don't go.
But when I get down to Seattle I try hard to make a point of going to something there, because I haven't found it to be that way at all.

The other thing of course is that there are (as Nyc said) lots of meetup groups that aren't related to poly you could get involved in. But-it depends upon what your personal interests are.

Another thing is-you could consider making a "ladies date" with the daughter once a week. That would get you busy, help build your bond with her individually, give her some time away AND give your bf and his wife a chance to have some alone time.
As a wife, I know that when my husbands girlfriend offered to watch kids; I was colored pink. The kids had a blast doing activities I don't enjoy (like baking) and we got some bonding time as a couple as well.
Additionally; 5 kids later (3 already up and out of the house); kids appreciate being important to people who consider their parents important.
It's greatly reassuring to them if their parents partners/friends, treat them like individual people to create personal relationships with-outside of the relation with the parent. That could go a long ways in making the transition to understanding your role (whenever it comes up) with her dad, easier; because she will already have a solid relationship with you OF HER OWN-unrelated to her dad.
 
Dag-that's true about kids; they actually handle it better younger than they do when they are older.

BUT-it's not her child. Thus-it's not her choice or her place.
 
Cool ideas/input you guys. I especially like the "ladies date" with the daughter idea.
 
Gg had always had date's with the kids. He took Spicy Pea to movies, Sweet Pea to bookstores and Sour Pea to the parks. (the kids personal interests).
It's evident to anyone-that there is a bond between him and each child-regardless of the fact that they aren't "his" children.
It's been a huge benefit to the kids when they have had a heartache in their life as well. Some heartaches, you don't WANT to talk to mom or dad about-but having a trustworthy adult "friend" that you can share anything with-can be a lifesaver (to child and parent alike).

On the other side of that; when metamours show the love and tenderness for their mutual partner by promoting opportunities for their partners to spend time with their metamours-it increases trust, a sense of camaraderie and respect, even affection between the metamours.
 
Excellent advice and points of view from everyone--I am honored to be part of such an articulate and wise group of people! Thanks a lot, everyone--going to implement some of the suggestions here. I realize that I need to have my "own life" in addition to having my life with my boyfriend--in other words, instead of being sad that I get him for less time than I would like, I think I'm going to try and shift my focus here. Honestly, I'd rather have him part time than not at all and I'm grateful for the opportunity to have a relationship with him at all (his wife is not poly herself but is very accepting of my boyfriend being poly and we get along very well--I would never have entered into a relationship with him in the first place if she weren't okay with it since that is not my style at all). Thanks, guys. I think having a very stressful new job is amplifying my feelings of loneliness and perhaps neediness because I feel like it would be great to have someone to come home to every night to cuddle with and get support from (though I do get that support from my boyfriend in spades, even though we don't live together full time). Anyway, cheers :)
 
I understand a bit because I'm also in a vee with a married couple; he is the hinge and I'm very close friends with his wife. They live in another state so I don't get to see him/them near as much as I'd like. My suggestion is keeping busy with friends and activities you enjoy, stay in daily contact with them, and plan (in your case) one overnight per week at your house. He could head over after his daughter goes to bed and return after "an early morning trail walk" that he takes every Tuesday morning or whatever works.

I agree that their daughter will likely accept it easier at her current age than as a teen, but it is a burden to expect her to hide it from everyone. Why can't the in-laws know? When will that change?

I hope things mellow out as your new job becomes settled in.
 
Be true to yourself with everyone around you in every way. People are happiest when they are themselves. If your family is a family then live as such. It sucks society frowns upon any loving relationship. I think that if more people were honest about who they are there would be a true eye opener at how many people are nontraditional relationship wise and the world as a entirety would be happier. I know I am a creature of love. I know I am a father. I know I am accepting of poly. I know I am bi. I know that being me around everyone makes others like being around me more as well. I hate going to work sometimes because I know that most don't accept me as I am but I simply don't bring it up. I have walked with my wife on one side and her boy friend on the other side and our girlfriend at the time on the other side all holding hands in public. Our children know and are happy and accepting of us for who we are. I think it is time everyone do this. I know inspiring change in a judgmental world is difficult and scary but worth it if it frees us from fear.
 
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