Discomfort with partner's relationship with other gf

assets

assets

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So my partner, Wolf, told me tonight that he's meeting his other girlfriend's (let's call her Lynn) kids. The fact that he's meeting them is really bothering me. It's not so much that he's meeting them, more that he told me, when he and Lynn started dating that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. That implied to me that he didn't want to meet them or spend time with them or become part of their lives. This feels really weird to me, like he isn't telling me the truth about this relationship.

This is not the first time that he has been flip floppy or not forthcoming about details pertaining to Lynn. After their first date, he told me that he wasn't attracted to her and that he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with her, in a large part due to her having kids, yet he agreed to a second date. He told me that on said second date he was going to tell her that he wasn't interested in developing anything further with her. I felt that this situation was a non-issue for me, because it was going nowhere, according to him. Well, 2nd date lead to third. He told me they were much more compatible on 2nd date so decided to keep seeing each other. I understand that people can change their minds and sometimes first impressions are not best impressions but I really struggled with this. I didn't really know why, he seemed really evasive to me when he told me about their 3rd date. Well, it turned out that they shared sex. I really felt terrible about this. This all happened in the span of about a week and a half.

A woman that he was not attracted to the week before he is suddenly having sex with, I get that people can change their minds but it felt dishonest to me. Like he didn't really tell me how he felt about her to begin with. We did have a discussion about things and he said that he just wanted a super casual relationship with her. This was when he stated to me his boundary about her kids.

I'm having such a strong reaction to this change in his relationship, that I'm not involved in, and I don't know how to work through it. I'm really not sure why this bothers me so much. I guess I'm just asking for advice on whether or not to even bring this up to him or if I should just butt out. Not my relationship, not my problem? He has been evasive about telling me when he's spending time with her, in that he would tell me that he's going out with a group of friends and not mentioning that she was also going or just saying he was busy on certain nights (he always tells me when he's spending time with his wife).

I realise that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here and I'm otherwise happy with our relationship. Is this just jealously rearing it's head or is there something else there that I'm not seeing?
 
Perhaps you are just picking up on his ambivalence about the relationship. He may be confused by his own attraction to her because she and her situation aren't what he thought he wanted, so he becomes unsure and nervous about telling you. And his hesitance/clumsiness/uncertainty in how he tells you what's going on may be creating and feeding into uncomfortable feelings you have, like you're wondering if he's being honest.

That being said, I do subscribe to the premise that it isn't your relationship, so it isn't your business. I also wonder why there's this need to know where he is and who he's with? If a lover of mine doesn't tell me who they're hanging out with, I see it as their personal business. And though I may be curious - there's no reason I should be privy to every plan he has with other people. People do have a right to privacy and shouldn't feel obligated to inform me of how they spend their time.

Also he might be evasive because he knows this bothers you and doesn't want to hurt you, or he wants to avoid a fight or big dramatic blow-up (not saying that you would create that, but it might just be something he's afraid of). OR perhaps he just seems evasive to you because you've somehow become hypersensitive about this situation?
 
I'm far too tired to give an articulate reply, and not even sure if I have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I soooo hear you!! I can totally relate to the discomfort and the feelings you are having. Much of your post resonates with me as I am dealing with a situation that has a few similar threads.

Sigh.
 
Thank you for your reply. You have given me some things to think about.
nycindie said:
That being said, I do subscribe to the premise that it isn't your relationship, so it isn't your business. I also wonder why there's this need to know where he is and who he's with? If a lover of mine doesn't tell me who they're hanging out with, I see it as their personal business. And though I may be curious - there's no reason I should be privy to every plan he has with other people. People do have a right to privacy and shouldn't feel obligated to inform me of how they spend their time.
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I don't have a need to know. We talk about what we are doing during the time that we are not together on a regular basis. We regularly tell each other who we are hanging out with, this is how our relationship works. It is also a thing that he chose as something we do. You might do things differently but this is how we do it. He never has an issue talking about spending time with his wife or his FWBor any of his other friends, just Lynn and I'm not sure why. I don't demand to know and agree that it's his right not to tell me, but when he lies to me about it, it feels shitty.

Also he might be evasive because he knows this bothers you and doesn't want to hurt you, or he wants to avoid a fight or big dramatic blow-up (not saying that you would create that, but it might just be something he's afraid of).
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This is probably true. But he has been fairly evasive and not forthcoming about his relationship with Lynn from the get go. I'm not talking about details here, I'm talking about saying one thing and doing another. However, us discussing things has never led to a blow out.
 
RiverGoddess said:
I'm far too tired to give an articulate reply, and not even sure if I have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I soooo hear you!! I can totally relate to the discomfort and the feelings you are having. Much of your post resonates with me as I am dealing with a situation that has a few similar threads.

Sigh.
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Yes I've read your posts and there definitely are some similarities there.
 
Hi again,
I didn't mean to imply that you are demanding or requiring to know how he spends his time, and with whom. I think, however, he has set a precedent that has resulted in your having expectations about the way things "should" be. Now he seems cagey and like he's avoiding talking to you about her and you're scratching your head, saying, "this isn't normal" -- basically because you've been set up to expect things a certain way all the time and that's not happening with regard to her. Whenever we place expectations on others, even what we think are the most innocuous and piddly expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about her with you, and maybe it's due to his own ambivalence. Perhaps after he sorts things out for himself about why he's drawn to her, he'll feel more comfortable sharing.

Anyway, I only meant to present another perspective for you, to perhaps jog things in your head a little so maybe you can get clear about why you're upset and how to let go. The issue of his evasiveness (or your perception that he is) and how jarring that's been for you was the main thing that stood out to me when reading your description of what's going on.

Also just want to point out that, in your initial post, you wrote: "I realise that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here." It's quite possible you are. Do you think you can let this all go?
 
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Relationships, thoughts and feelings change over time. He didn't like her so much to begin with, but now he likes her more. She has kids. It is hard to spend time with a single parent and not meet their kids. It appears to be a natural relationship progression.
 
Atlantis said:
Relationships, thoughts and feelings change over time. He didn't like her so much to begin with, but now he likes her more. She has kids. It is hard to spend time with a single parent and not meet their kids. It appears to be a natural relationship progression.
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Well, she's not a single parent but yes I agree that spending more time with her would lead to meeting her kids. This is not what I have issue with. I'm really concerned with him saying that he wanted nothing to do with them and then, when telling me that he was going to meet them that he always intended to meet them from the very beginning. So either he lied to me then about it or he's lying to me now.
 
assets said:
Well, she's not a single parent but yes I agree that spending more time with her would lead to meeting her kids. This is not what I have issue with. I'm really concerned with him saying that he wanted nothing to do with them and then, when telling me that he was going to meet them that he always intended to meet them from the very beginning. So either he lied to me then about it or he's lying to me now.
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Is it possible that he has been in just a few relationships?
To me it reads like he knows very little of himself, and perhaps this - normal - process of getting involved hasn't happened to him prior with someone whom he wanted to keep more casual. It's kind of hard to anticipate, often, how much and how quickly we will develop feelings of attraction, love, involvement, attachment...
I myself have gone to more then one meeting in my life with the decision that "I don't want anything physical", and then, a few hours later... it was kind of different. I've gone into the relationship with idealist with "I just want a short sexy romance", and I was oh so wrong. It's like this notion of "never say never" is more applicable in relationships then anywhere else.
So if you have a hard time to believe how quickly he changes his mind, consider that there doesn't have to be any deliberate dishonesty with you. A little dishonesty with himself, perhaps, coming from a place of not knowing himself very much.
 
nycindie said:
I think, however, he has set a precedent that has resulted in your having expectations about the way things "should" be. Now he seems cagey and like he's avoiding talking to you about her and you're scratching your head, saying, "this isn't normal" -- basically because you've been set up to expect things a certain way all the time and that's not happening with regard to her. Whenever we place expectations on others, even what we think are the most innocuous and piddly expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
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Yes, I think this is exactly what I'm feeling. I will bring it up to him, next time we are together. Saying one thing and doing the opposite is a thing my abusive ex used to do, this is most likely why it's such a trigger for me and why my brain won't leave it alone.

Often, when Wolf does things like this he doesn't even realise he's doing it. He sometimes struggles to be clear in his communication (as do I) and it's a thing we are both working on.

If he doesn't want to talk further about her to me, I will leave it at that.
 
assets said:
Yes, I think this is exactly what I'm feeling. I will bring it up to him, next time we are together. Saying one thing and doing the opposite is a thing my abusive ex used to do, this is most likely why it's such a trigger for me and why my brain won't leave it alone.
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I am sorry it is a trigger to you.
Also, consider, that he may be just chatting in a casual way, meaning nothing he sais as a serious intention for the future - it's just something he feels in the moment. He may not be realizing, you are making your picture about the future out of his chitchat. Basically - there are times when we talk about serious intentions, and there are times when we don't watch out mouth very much. You may not be on the same page about which one it is. You certainly could ask him to watch his mouth a little more...
 
In most of these cases i felt we were both on the same page about it being more than casual chitchat. Most of the times that I'm thinking of, we were having a discussion about the future.

But yes, I agree that he may not really be realising how what he's saying is sounding to me. He does have a habit of speaking in vagaries (ie: telling me that he may want to get together to do something and him thinking a concrete plan has been made and me thinking that I'm still waiting to hear if he's available). It is something we've discussed in the past and I will bring it up again to make sure we're on the same page.
 
In regards to emotions and intentions changing, have you read the recent posts in Claire's Girl From Texlahoma blog in the Life Stories section? She discusses how what she thinks she wanted in a relationship can change dramatically, or not, depending.

Leetah
 
Thanks Leetah, I have read Claire's blog. A lot of what she says really resonates with me because I didn't realise that I want more entanglement with Wolf. It kind of snuck up on me.
 
Re (from assets):
"I'm really concerned with him saying that he wanted nothing to do with them and then, when telling me that he was going to meet them that he always intended to meet them from the very beginning. So either he lied to me then about it or he's lying to me now."
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Possibly he's lying to himself, that is, he believes what is more comfortable to believe, even if it's not the truth. So then he might be lying to you accidentally. But you're right, it's proof that he's telling an untruth now, or was before.

My first thought is to confront him with that, but then I think no, that would just put him on the defensive. So I guess it's better to focus on, well, how he communicates and how it can sound to you.

Difficult situation.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your input Kevin. I am going to bring up the seeming inconsistencies with him as it is concerning to me.

He and I have actively been working on our communication as we've been a bit assumptive with one another which has lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary upset. Since him saying one thing and later saying that he really meant something else has happened more than a few times I am going to bring it up. I will try to frame it in a way that is less likely to put him on the defensive. He's generally very good at listening to concerns without taking them as criticisms.
 
That sounds relatively promising, I hope that will be a good conversation that will go well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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