Discussing sleeping with othets

L

Lily599

New member
Hi

I just wanted some general advice and opinions really as I'm not sure if the way I have responded to something is unreasonable or not. I figured people who are very open to polyamory wouls be the most open to answering my question.

Basically I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks, nothing serious at all. He invited me to a party and his ex girlfriend was there, which is fine as we get along well. He'd told me on the way there that she was his ex but that he was glad it hadn't worked out, We hadn't discussed being exclusive at all, but I had told him about a previous time where I had explained to someone that if they wanted to see other people then that was fine but I wouldn't be ok with staying in the picture (no ultimatum at all it's just something I'm not ready for as I know I would be jealous). So he knew what my opinion on the matter was.

In the evening me, him and his ex all slept in his van together (which I didn't know would happen) and they started to hook up. This made me uncomfortable as he hadn't suggested anything at all to me previously and I felt like he could have at least told me this was on the cards. I had nowhere else to go and felt uncomfortable with them doing this next to me. I told them I wanted to sleep and so they stopped.

I told him the next day that I thought it was unfair of him to put me in that position without discussing it beforehand, and also leaving me with nowhere to go whilst they did this as we were at an outdoor event and I had nowhere to sleep as I had come with him in his van. He was angry that I was upset and said that it was all my fault for being jealous and I should deal with that issue myself. He didn't believe he had any reason to apologise at all.

I just don't know if I am being unreasonable as I feel he put me in an uncomfortable position, not allowing me anywhere to go and going ahead with something he already knew would make me uncomfortable. I thought he should have discussed this with me beforehand so I knew where I stood.

I'd just really appreciate an honest response from an outsider so I can know how to appropriately respond if this happens again, as I don't want to be unreasonable but it's hard to know if I am right or wrong really. Did I overreact ? Or should he have brought this up with me beforehand to at least give me a heads up?

Thank you so much if you read this far!
 
That may be one of the most disrespectful things I've heard of someone doing.

I just can't even rationally respond when I try to think it out for you.

No. You're not over-reacting. You didn't consent to being included in that kind of sexual activity (and being in that close of quarters = being included). You were literally trapped, surrounded by strangers with no transportation immediately available to you. Just no.

On a positive note, I am glad that they stopped when you spoke up, and congratulations for doing so! Too many people would have suffered in silence.
 
Hello,

Since it is early days it sounds like he was not considerate of how it would seem to you. Maybe this is just an outside chance he thought perhaps in the heat of the moment you might all end up together. But he was definitely not considerate.

Is he someone you want to continue with? Also he says "ex" but he brought *you* there and ended up with her.

I guess if you want to continue with him you will need to clarify. I don't think he gave you that opportunity initially.
 
Hi Lily599,

It sounds to me like there were some missing links in communication on both sides, but the lion's share of responsibility falls on the guy you've been seeing. He essentially tried to instigate a threesome without getting your consent. I wonder if his ex did the same, or if he fibbed to her and told her he had your consent?

Long story short, I think it was reasonable that you were upset about the situation. Honestly I would rethink continuing to go out with the guy if this is the way he acts, topped off by getting mad at you instead of apologizing. It's up to you of course, I just mean that he was certainly way out of line.

What will you do?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and responding. I really appreciate it!

In response to Moon glow and Kevin T, I don't really want to continue seeing him. I was shocked that he put me in that situation in the first place, but the thing that really hurt was the fact that he tried to make me question myself about my reaction to it. He just said asked me if I had the option to change my reaction and not be hurt by what he did then would I? As if I was deciding to hurt myself, rather than him having anything to do with it. Then backed himself up by saying that he had spoken to another girl who had accepted being in polyamorous relationships as a backup for him being in the right ... but this other girl's situation I'm sure wasn't the same as mine.

Also Kevin T, I don't know what interaction happened between him and the other girl but I don't think he lied to her about me being ok with the situation as far as I'm aware .. I don't think it was a planned action. I reckon it was more off the cuff, but I'm not sure if maybe she was keen to stamp her mark as I was new to the scene and maybe she was jealous. Apparently they haven't been sleeping together for a while and then suddenly I turn up and they are hooking up again.

Anyway I doubt he will get back in touch with me as he feels he hasn't done anything wrong, but at least I can feel a bit better knowing I wasn't totally unreasonable in my response!

Thanks again !
 
The guy was a total ass then tried to gaslight you. He knows a girl who is ok with poly so you should be too? That is insane. I would bet money he is an abuser who has zero respect for women. Run...and this is from a guy who usually gives people the benefit of a doubt.
 
Poly doesn't mean hooking up without discussing things first. Hell, I have two husbands and a boyfriend and I would NEVER do anything sexual with one in front of the others without talking it over first. We don't do threesomes or moresomes together, and negotiating that would be a huge shift. For a guy you are casually dating to just start fucking around right next to you - yeah, that's disrespectful. Dump the douchebag.
 
Re (from Lily599):
"Anyway I doubt he will get back in touch with me as he feels he hasn't done anything wrong, but at least I can feel a bit better knowing I wasn't totally unreasonable in my response!"
Click to expand...

Amen.
 
Thanks so much for your responses guys 😊 I feel like I can trust my response to the situation now . You're time is much appreciated!!
 
polypie He clearly has zero respect for you. I'm sorry this happened to you :'(
Click to expand...

I agree polypie. ..it's a shame, I judged him as different to that but I have worked through my anger towards him and let it go now. I am currently travelling around and I've had several people now who seem to think that that impermanence means that they can just use me or not treat me like I have emotional feelings. I don't deserve people like that in my life and have decided to sever contact with him. I am a lot happier now ☺ .
 
That's the spirit.
 
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